Topsy Turvy Laos

My original plan was to split this post up in three…unfortunately, I wasn’t aware that the jungle didn’t have internet…surely you can’t be serious…O I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

Therefore…this is going to be one hell of a blog post(but a definite read to the end…something special baby ;)…so grab some popcorn, a nice soda, pop or ice cold beverage and strap in folks…because this is gonna be a bumpy motherfucking ride…

This country just happened to fall in my lap. I had never even heard of the place, but I was sold on the idea of going tubing down a river, visiting a bevy of bars along the way and doing whatever you get when you mix water, tubes, girls, alcohol…and…uh…girls. Ohhhh…if only it was that easy…DUN…DUN…DUUUUUN.(intense music for effect)

img_1599

Arriving to the country of Laos…which happens to hold the record for the most bombs being dropped on it…yup…the good ol Americans. First off the terrain is hellishly slow, so not a good idea to bus it…even if the scammers say…its a good idea…so the best bet…slow boat…which is exactly as the name reads…slooooooow.

Buuut without the slow boat I wouldn’t have had the adventure of a lifetime…dirty motels, creepy men and a bathroom from the set of Saw….but I’ll get to that in a second.

The good thing about the slow boat, is I met a ton of great people to party with…so we all strapped up some cheap whiskey and vodka(and when I say cheap…uh…lets try 3dollars cheap) Time for the booze cruise to begin bitches.

wooo booze cruise

wooo booze cruise

We played drinking games, games that just involve drinking and tons of other shenanigans that only a boat full of foreigners could think up…it actually turned out to be a pretty good time…until we arrived to the town in the middle of no where.

Pak Ben I believe its called, or hell on earth…hahaha…actually it wasn’t that bad, buuut pretty close. First getting off the boat I think some asshole has stolen my bag…so I start a swearing storm this side of the Mississippi. Then I find out…oh…wait…it hasn’t come out yet…ooops my bad. Second…we arrive later then the other boat and the good accommodations, ya they’re taken…nice. So me and some others bunk up in some lady’s house…which has holes, a small little lock, and a huge mosquitoe net…hmmm…malaria anyone?

just a taste of the room

just a taste of the room

Turns out, the food is really cheap, the room will do for one night and everyone from the boat is there to party…so until 10:30(when the power goes out) we’re up all having a good ol time…and then…all the lights go out and its pitch black…like blacker then Westley Snipes…if that gives you an idea.

Then all the creepy men come out of the shadows…whistling and acting all creepy like creepy men do…so I wanted to get the fuck outta there…I’ve already been raped once…ain’t having it by a man this time. Buuut the little drunk chickie that’s hanging with us thinks it’d be a good idea to go over to these creatures of the night and say hi…so I pull her the fuck away from that. The next moment some one shines a light in the general area…it was like a blood curtling scream as these “creatures” scurried away to find the shadows…geez…I’m getting creepies just thinking about that…alright…moving on.

So the sleep wasn’t too bad , except for the monster under my bed…ya I swear there was something scurrying around at night, but fuck me if I was gonna check what is was. Then it was time to use the bathroom….ahhh…the awesome feeling of relieving ones self in the morning…unfortunately, I didn’t know I was going to walk onto the set of SAW…ya check this pic out and tell me it doesn’t look like something from SAW. Now mind you…this was pitch black…the lighting…ya…all from my camera.

look at the heart shaped poo thing at the bottom of the bath

look at the heart shaped poo thing at the bottom of the bath

Time to get the fuck outta this town, so we head down to the boat launch and run into the next joyous part of the trip…fresh…barbequed…DOG…yup…a great ol fucking dog…cooking on the street…yummmmy. *caution, dog lovers may want to look away, but I must say…you’ll miss out*

look at the teeth

look at the teeth

Now the next scam of the trip comes to surface…cramming two boats full of people…onto one smaller boat…yipeeee. I tried explaining to the guy in charge that all two boats wouldn’t fit onto one, but of course what do people not do…ehem…listen to me. Soon enough buddy notices the mess up and begins throwing people bags over to another boat…that’s when kaos breaks out…people are scurrying to get they’re bags, I’m tripping people so they don’t spill my vodka, ahh good times.

img_1619

FINALLY, alls settled and were off on another six hour boat ride…the good thing was…this time I took a little more pictures of the beautiful scenery. I’m going to say this about the slow boat…yes it was a gong show, very disorgonized and slow, buuuut, it was worth it. Not very expensive, you meet tons of people. You can party if you’re the type, and the scenery is something most people will never see.

img_1625

Yessss…seeing the shore of Luang Prabang was miraculous…finally a place to stay for a few days…a decent bed…some internet…bowling. The best part was what I got picked up in to go to my hostel…say hello to Spicy Lao…

img_1626

Enter…LUANG PRABANG

A very relaxed city with an awesome night market and views. Luang Prabang was alot of fun. Mostly because all the people from the slow boat were able to meet up and have a rocking time of great food, birthday wishes and bowling…what a better mix.

img_1627

Best place to eat if you ever visit Luang Prabang is Lao Lao Garden…man the food is cheap, tasty, you get a free shot of tiger whiskey…sheeesh what else could you want? Uh…don’t answer that you little perverts. Anyway…Luang Prabang wasn’t that bad of a stop over, it has a great array of natural beauty that surrounds it, so of course I had to check it out.

img_1639

At first me and a few others were going to go see the caves, but we heard they were pretty gay…so we went to the massive waterfall instead…and boy…it didn’t dissapoint. Some of the best scenery shots I’ve taken…plus…you can even swim at the base of the falls…which is pretty cool. Definitely something worth experiencing even if…it’s only a waterfall.

img_16461

Now into party mode…one of the great people on the boats was celebrating a Birthday, so after shooting the poop over tons of drinks, we all headed out to the only place in town open until 3am…BOWLING.

The boat gang

The boat gang

Not only was this place reasonably cheap to drink at, it was a great bowling alley…plus I ended up winning…buuut…*slaps hands together and pumps fists* lets not brag. It was great to see the whole gang get together for such a sweet night of drinking and bowling, something we would not see the likes of…until…well…later…in Vang Vieng…duh

Well then…with a nice hangover, and a big bottle of water I made the twisty, turvy, spinny trip to the glorious town and only reason for the trip…Vang Vieng. This was the only time I can remember where I almost threw up on a bus…all the turns and constant rocking were getting to me…plus it didn’t help that I was jammed into a seat for a small child…I think they’re called boosters??? Ya my ass fell asleep…and I embarrassingly fell asleep on the girls shoulder next to me.

img_1673

Still, got to Vang Vieng safe and sound, but in the middle of no where…lucky for me, the girls from the night before were able to spot me and I hopped on their tuk tuk into town.(good thing I didn’t walk because…shit it was long)

HEARYEE…HEARYEE…WELCOME TO THE ONE…THE ONLY…THE TUBTASTICAL TUBBING EXPERIENCE NEVER COPPIED…VANG VIENG.

*does a little dance…spins…throws hand in the air…Micheal Jackson style*

Vang Vieng…I never even heard of this place until I started traveling, but boy am I glad that I came here. Now there’s not much to the town…basically two main streets with tons of side streets intertwining, but its not the town that’s the draw. It’s the fucking experience.

one of two main streets

one of two main streets

I know tons of people love tubing down a river when its sooo hot out in the summer…well this is all year here. Best part is, you’ve got bars line up on the banks to pull you in, and you’ve got zip lines, ropes, swings and so much more. Just one side note…drinking and water can be determental to your health…proceed with caution…buuut have a FUCKING BLAST YO.

wheee tubing

wheee tubing

Yeah buddy…I was like a kid in a candy store…unfortunately I was more like a bull in a china shop when I did the swings and zip lines…sheesh who’dve thought that I…*put in whatever nickname you’ve got for me* would be the least graceful person on a swinging ordeal…well…sorry to burst the proverbial bubble…buut ya…not graceful…actually landed on my kidney.

img_1711

So I did more of the drinking then the tubing my first time around, and then continued well into the night…where I had one of the best renditions of Micheal Jackson’s Thriller’s that you could ever believe. (If I get ahold of the guy who filmed it…you’ll see what I mean) Anyway…I had a blast all day…until the next day…when I got the worst hangover in the world.

Basically my days in Vang Vieng went like this…I would be fine…so party hard…then hangover so take it easy…party hard…take it easy…party hard…take it easy.

So a great life for six days. But just wait a second…I know what you’re thinking…holy fuck what a waste of six days…all you did was tubing…NO…I rode a bike…so there. *sticks out tongue* Ya well it was more like the bike rode me, because there were no gears. Buuut I did end up biking to a cool little lagoon and a cave from the movie The Descent.

blue lagoon deluxe

blue lagoon deluxe

The Lagoon was magical…tons of colourful butterflies flapping around…the mountains cascading in the horizon behind me and the fresh splash of water refreshing ones self from the hot sun…if only we had gone after the cave from hell.

THE DESCENT

THE DESCENT

Turns out…the cave sounded good…but after climbing a straight uphill rocky mount…in my flip flops…have a scorpion the size of Gary Coleman attack us and almost get pushed off the mountain because of it…started turning south fast.


img_16841

We had two children probably age 6 take us through the mountain…one a little skinny speedster that could fit through anything and a little chubo, who thank god had a decent light. So here’s three tall guys banging our heads, slipping on mud and cutting ourself all over to see some stalagmites and stalagtites…geez I didn’t even get to see one that we could laugh at because it looked like boobs or a penis 😦

Anyway after that mess of an experience we crawled out into the sun and got our asses the fuck outta there. Good experience…but wouldn’t do it again.

To make that day even worse…that night after I arrived home…I flipped on the lights…and had about 20 little clear looking bugs scatter off my bag…That’s it…pack your bags were leaving(think of Frank Costanza from Seinfeld)…great way to end the night.


The next couple days were much better, more tubbing, tanning and plain ol drunken times…I was even able to meet up with the whole gang from the slow boat…which was of course another great time. Which then led to the next thing Vang Vieng is notoriously known for…happy menu.

happy menu...mmmm

happy menu...mmmm

If you don’t know what that is…mostly its any food you want with either shrooms or weed, so of course I had a fair bit of happy shakes and happy pizza. Still the happy shakes did fuck all for me and the happy pizza…well it fucked me up a little…Four of us even came up with the most delicious of deliciousness delectible treats you could even imagine…unfortunately for all of you…you’re going to have to wait until I set up the first shop…this thing is going to be…OUT OF THIS WORLD.

it will soon be sweeping the nation

it will soon be sweeping the nation

Well…I guess this trip or adventure wouldn’t be complete without the explanation of the girlies in the area…so let me say this…mostly guys…buuut…plenty of…hot…supple…tiny swimsuit wearing girlies to go around. Of course I was a force to be reckon with…especially when this pink haird cutie caught my eye…I probably commented on her hair and some shit, but the convo started out well, but then just fucking died…ohhh well…the good thing was I ended up seeing her later that night…and guess what…it was her last night in Vang Vieng(yessssss) so I grab her…we dance…talk, then her chodey friend comes in…uhh…cockblocker time…oh well…I get the chode to get her a drink, then I lay the A-bomb.

A-BOMB

A-BOMB

Me: “Ya so…were never going to see eachother again, so lets make this last interaction memerable”

Her: “Um…ok…what does that mean?”

Me: “This” Bam…makeout…full on…(my little man that lives in my heads dancing saying…my first ever pink haired finnish girl makeout)…n then it ends and I release her. Short and sweet.

Well there were other things…but that was the most fun.

I also made a funny, but shocking discovery in Vang Vieng. If you eat too much curry…you get stinky ass B.O(Body odour) Ya like Wyatt McCrae style in the full on heat of the summer(and if you don’t know wyatt…think a bus full of people from India…n no…that’s not a racist joke)

Ya man…it was bad…I noticed it when I was out laying around one day…my fucking left pit(yes only my left one…weird eh) was just stinking up the depths of hell…then the genius of a guy I was hanging around dropped the A-Bomb on me…n ya it made perfect sense…I didn’t stink up until I devoured the two curry dishes the day before…Supposedly the curry sweats out of your pores…nice.

Anyway…lets get back to some more…positive images.

img_1636

Vang Vieng was the absolute tities…n I had a blast…but worst hangovers and sores I’ve ever recieved, but nothing could prepare me for the bus ride to Vientiene.

img_1734

Vientiene is the capital city of Laos, but after spending a day here, I’ve seen everything. For a capital city…it’s shitty, but the best experience was the ride down.

I decided to cut costs and take the local bus here…so I spent the three dollars and jumped on the bus. At first it was awesome because I could stretch out and have the whole seat to myself, buuuut then the locals started cramming in. I literally blinked my eyes…and there were two Asians squished up along side me.

Lucky for me I’m not claustrophobic, but damn my ass hurt. Still they kept pilling Asians on…it was like another one rides the bus…but worse. It reminded me of one of those clown cars…how the fuck do they get them all in there I used to wonder…well…now I have a first hand experience how.

Phew…*takes breath and whipes brow* Boy oh boy am I ever in a writting mood today…so that’s basically the Lao experience all wrapped up into a nice golden package for y’all. My positives…Vang Vieng…the cheap food…the fruit shakes(absolutely marvelous) and all the family guy and fake movies you could ever want…oh and the scenery too(stunning)

img_17211

Negatives: Barely any internet…hard to travel…travel can be rip off(very expensive)…locals are tricksters(can’t really be trusted) and malaria(make sure you get your pills before hand)

Which reminds me…I thought it would be OK if I bought my pills in Thailand…hahaha…well it was…they were very cheap, but turned out the pills I got…well the mosquitos have been imune to them for about…uh lets see…five years…hmmm….well…hopefully I’m ok and don’t die in the next couple of weeks…because if I do…you little bastards will never hear how the full moon party on Koh Pengang is.

mmm...ya

mmm...ya

See…I told you it was worth it to read to the end 😀

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Topsy Turvy Laos”

  1. Awesome…especially the ‘stache of glory’ 😉

    Greets from Vienna.

  2. It sounds like the happy menu would be right up my ally… but then there’s plenty of happy here at home.

    What an adventure in Laos… and your right… that bathroom was probably the most disgusting thing ever… and the clear bugs… nope… not for Stacey.

    I’m surprised to hear that you found a pink haired girl that far away from society… she must have be a foreigner?

    And the tubing and ropes and stuff… that would have been wicked fun… just at thought though … I certainly hope there isn’t any kind of bug that could swim up your “pintu”. (he he… from the rundown starring “the rock” and shawn williams scott)

    I’m glad that your adventure continues… and I can’t wait to see where it takes you next.

    Fastly becoming a bobby vanilla fan,
    Stacey

    • bobbyvanilla Says:

      Ya Stacey you would’ve loved the happy menu…and yes the pink haired girl was a foreigner…Finnish to be exact…definitely need to head up to Scandinavia some time soon. And its funny you should mention the little pintu bug…I was actually worried the first time I took a piss in that river…lucky for me tho…its only in South America

  3. Simon Khalili Says:

    Awesome fuckin times bro…..wish I was there. Keep dishin out the stories…I feel like Im there!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: