Balling in Bali

A trip that wasn’t even planned…just an idea, a plan and a small magical concoction later…AWESOMENESS SUPREME DREAM.

Now entering…Bali, Indonesia.


Flying into Bali was one of the most beautiful views I’ve witnessed whilst landing. Pristine water on either side, overlooking the white beach below and emerald topped palm trees glistening in the sun…what a wonderful start.

Of course, the fuzzy effect of being in Bali soon wore off as I was quickly scammed by the taxi driver, but fuck it, I’m not letting him ruin my trip…now time to find a place to stay.


Hmmm…a little easier said then done my friends. I soon found out, the only places available were the biggest shittiest shits I’ve ever seen. Hmmm I’m sure there’s something nearby.

Well…about 45 minutes in, just another treat to deal with…RAIN. Ahhh, thanks there weatherman, the fucking rain. Good thing I was still in high spirits.

Before long, three hours had passed and still…NOTHING. I was getting slightly worried. I’m drenched, I’m a little hungry and I’m homeless…a very proper combination.

Guess it’s time to bring out the check book *whips out skimpy wallet* ahh yes time to find me a big expensive, ritzy ass palace, because, well naturally, no one wants to pay those prices…so they can’t be full right?…hahaha WRONG sucka.

Luckily, juuuust before I’m about to shell out a months worth of travel on a big swanky hanky place, I stumbled on a little hole in the wall…literally, it was a hole in the wall.


But, for only 7 dollars a night, and the only downside is…bathroom’s kinda shit, whole room smells of piss…but, hey the fan’s new…that’s a plus…fuck it…I’LL TAKE IT.

Yesss…finally settled, time to dry myself off, so I slowly unzip my bag…only to be greeted…by a brown toothy grin from a lovely little cockroach…Heeeeey buuuuddy…fuck you…you little bastard, as I swat him away.(funny thing, I never saw where he went or whatever…sooo…could still be in my bag hidding for all I know…niiiice)

With the rain not subsiding I decided to be one of the few to walk the streets of Kuta, Bali.(also I didn’t have the availability of room service…go figure right)

Trudging through all the hecklers and hawkers, I was able to find this quaint little restaurant. The server at the front didn’t speak a lick of english, so when I asked about prices she just stared. Right before I begin to walk away,however, the owner catches my attetion when he yells out everything 20% off and my first drink free…well…hehehe…you’ve got a costumer.

streets of Bali New Years

streets of Bali New Years

I end up shooting the shit with the owner the whole night, who turns out to be an ex Carnival Cruise Lines bartender.  After many stories and free drinks I stagger off to the clubs, but not before the owner lets me know about the drink specials for the next night…well…looks like I’ve got my pre drinks organized.

The clubs in Bali are excellent. Similar to any world class venues I’ve been to. A little too much old house, but some good DJ’s, good size dancefloors and a shitload of people…still we’ll get into the clubs later.

Before I get into the New Years Eve happenings, I’ll touch on Bali its self. 


A beautiful little island that has a vast array of sights. You can be in the populized centre of Kuta, Legion and Seminyak where everything is buzzing with cars, people and big name resorts. Or you can get to outer regions of the island where it’s much quieter and secluded(Gilli Islands I hear are amazing) I myself, chose the party area…so tons of cars, massive amounts of pests selling you shit and the huge clubs was my neck of the woods. I would’ve prefered a little quieter of an area, but, litterally, beggars can’t be choosers.

One thing I liked…food was reasonably cheap, there were movies playing every night, the beach was close and there was surf.


Now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…or if not…well…then…uh…you suck…you stinky breath.



Breaking in the new year with something special. Definitely my best New Years to date, but still…(that’s not saying much)…lets begin.

To get my “real” drink on…I head to the nice bar/restaurant…Bali Rama, where I know the owner from the night before. Right off the bat…hands me a huge drink full of Arak(the 50% bali alcohol)…pound that back…let the party begin.

Somewhere in the mix of these drinks, I shoot the owner an idea…how bout you let me help you get customers…he agrees, so I begin my job to pull in customers, by offering free drinks and hoping they buy another. Pretty easy you may think…well…no one wants free shots…and I mean…NO ONE. Turns out people don’t seem to trust a white guy in Bali, giving away something free.

My New Years Bali bartending job

My New Years Bali bartending job

Well, my gift of the gab wouldn’t let me not sell one drink, so finally I’m able to wheel some people in and mix them up some drinks. Then before I know it…I’m selling/giving drinks away left and right…almost faster then I can put my free ones away…ALMOST.

Finally, after three hours of bartending, making friends with people from the street, the restaurant and a couple waitresses down the street;) its off to the main event.


This main event was at the club called Bounty…I rolled up and exploded into that place, just like Jack Nicholson in the Shinning.

heeere's Johnny

heeere's Johnny

The place was packed…drinks, hats, streamers, buzzers, chicks, tities…everywhere…and it wasn’t even 12. I began my usual shenanigans of talking to everyone nearby, stealing drinks and accidentally elbowing some chick in the face.


Best joke of the night…was to three girls…a brunette, a blonde and an asian. The three of them are standing there just slowly sipping their drinks…when lo and behold, I gallop up and say…”Wow…the charlies angels” as I strike a Charlie Angels type pose. I get a chuckle from the blonde and the asian, buuuut the Drew Barimore of the group…FWAP…drop kicks me in the chest…well…not really, but it sounds better.

Soon, I’ve met a German chick, a Swedish chick, a British Chick, a Hollondaise(sounds good so I’ll go with it)chick and some nasty Irish chick as finish the international buffet of mouths, thinking, I just enjoyed a good ol…new years make out…but hold on a sec there shooter…it’s not 12 yet…oh no…10…9…8…shit…7…where the fuck is a chick…6…5…uh gross…dude…another dude…fattie…4…3…nothing…2…1….Happy New Year Bitches. Ahhh alas, the new year countdown has come and gone and I’m the greedy one, holding his dick in his hand sitting in the corner.(not literally like that…geeez…sometimes you take me too seriously)


Then…it was back to partying for a couple more hours…but still I wondered…is that the biggest makeout point of the whole year? hmmm…and guess what folks…if it is…this may come as a shocker…but ya…never could enjoy that glory…once again…foiled by the chodey left brain.

Anyway…soon, the club starts pilling out for the firework show. So I head to the beach, grab a road beer and commence the spectacle of fireworks. Pretty great actually, drinking a beer, on the beach, watching fireworks and bringing in the blissful new year…definitely a time for reflection.

Now time to make my way through this horrendous traffic back to the shanty….


During the slow haul back…I spot an opening…therefore I make a gallant effort to squeeze in…unfortunately…so does some girl on her moped….SPLAT…lucky for me it was only the hip/lower leg…MASSIVE CHARLIE HORSE.

Hahaha…the chicks face was priceless, as it was a mix of shock, fear, anger and anything else if you’d have hit somebody.

too good a picture to pass up

too good a picture to pass up

Then I gathered up my things and limped back to my room…waking up the next day like I had been running all night(hmmm)

After a day of re-coup it was time to do something with a rush, slightly dangerous to the body, water related, and brand new…and no…not the underwater sex routine…even tho I hear its a treat. What I’m talking about folks…is SURFING.

I took a full day surfing lesson and…fuck ya…it was intense, and awesome, all at the same time. Best part…me and pretty much all chicks:D


After learning the basics…it was time to hit the waves dudes…and at the beggining…that’s exactly what I did. Faceplant here, belly flop there…yup just being my good ol kutzy self. But soon enough…pay dirt mothabitches. I completed my first standing surf, then completed my second, third…hey I’m starting to get a hang of….SPLASH. Boy when people say surfing is addicting, yup they’re absolutely correct.


The feeling you get when you’re ontop of the water, with a wave pushing you for momentum is thrilling and rushing all at the same time. Once you get off, you just want to get right back on and go again. Fucking sweetness supreme.

Now…the afternoon class…


After having such a great first introduction to surfing I thought I’d take the advanced lesson and see if I could ride bigger waves, learn to turn, and get better. Turns out the only thing that got bigger and better were the waves. YEAH…time to get analy raped by massive waves…fun timez.

Pretty much for the next three hours I was the bitch of the ocean. I got dragged, drenched, douched, splashed, slamed, sloshed and almost any other wet verb for description…ya that happened.  Still, I got up a handful of times and did some cool turns, but next time…I’m going to stick to the kiddie waves. Even with the poor after experience…I’m stoked to do it and get better when I’m in Oz.


Dragging my battered body back to the room, it was great to hit the bed, but, it wasn’t great to look over and see…that familiar…yellow…ooozing green, skanky brown colour looking thing…my friend…the cockroach.


Yup…perched right on my door. Lucky for me I chased the guy in between the door and squished him…HA HA HA HAAAAA…just so he wouldn’t crawl into my mouth at night. Good thing…this is my last night.


Good bye Bali…it was great to know you…and as an un planned plan, that turned into a great and grand adventure. Recomendation Granted. Now time to fight my way through Kuala Lumpur.


3 Responses to “Balling in Bali”

  1. great writing-style…cracks me up every time 😀

    you probably don’t want to hear it but: the setbacks along the way…they will pass too, and make you enjoy the victories more 🙂

    Keep it up man,
    greets from Vienna

  2. yo andrew – apparently you’re not supposed to kill cockroaches they leave their eggs around and multiply. anyway my roommates told me that. especially don’t kill em with your shoe then put your shoe in your bag they will hatch in your stuff. ewww….

    • bobbyvanilla Says:

      ahhhh…sandy…great to hear from ya…n ya I heard about the eggs thing…luckily I haven’t had any problems thus far…*fingers crossed*

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