Baffling Brisbane part 1

The first “full” week. From landing my job trying to find some damn place to live…to exploring Brisbane nightlife like a shadow…whilst dealing with the heat. Geeez…what kind of adventures cannot arise from that.

How bout I jump right into getting kicked out of a Brisbane Night club….for no reason.

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Alright…first off…I’ve deserved many physical confrontations in previous times, however I’m not one to fight. Plainly put I’m the worst fighter since Stephen Hawkins tried running someone over with his electric wheel chair. Aside from that…I’ve rarely received a blow to my person because of some stupid comment or whatever…that is…until now.

Those of you that know me, are aware that I can…sometimes…say…”things”, that are able to push peoples buttons. Therefore there are those that are surprised I’ve never been beat to a wet stain on the floor. Still…I’m aware of those types of situations and act accordingly.

This time however, I had no time to react…plus…I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. Here’s how it went.

It’s a Wednesday and I go to the usual club…nothing special…chatting with chicks…having fun…plus I’m waring this atrocious sticker that says I’m a Coles visitor(its a cheap grocery store…thus…funny)

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I start chatting to these two chicks and one of them starts going on about my sticker. For some reason she works at a competing grocery store.

Girl: Coles is the lamest place to shop…what are you poor
Me: Actually yes I am…I live in a cardboard box just north of here
Girl: Well I work at Woolworths and its ten times better(competing chain)
Me: Uh cool….what is that place….somewhere that old people shop?

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Then more bullshit…until finally…I see some crazy roided out Asian fuck reach across the table aaaaaaaand…

POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER

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Punched right in the face by this angry looking Asian fucker…luckily I’m quick enough to stop the next one, then get the fuck outta there.

Unfortunately, the bouncers grab me, take me outside and start telling me bullshit about how they must remove me for my own safety and that I need to be careful. Just to make the matters better, the anal leek that punched me…is friends with the bouncers…so of course…nothing happens to him.

Then I start the long walk of shame back home, until I get a bell from another friend and POOF…I’m currently standing in another club.

This night kept getting more intense as, later that night after a great interaction with some chick…I jokingly give her a small push…she pushes me back…aaaaand smooth walking me…fall right on my fucking face…nailing my side, crushing my hand and collapsing my left nut…well…actually the nut’s still ok…but she thought I was just a creepy drunk now…and walked away. FUUUUUUUCK.

What an AWESOME night…punched in the face…get kicked out…flailing around like an idiot in front of a stunning girl…ahhh yes…just an average day in the life of yours truly. 😀

Now…onto the most shocking part of this grand weeks adventure…

THE HAIRCUT OF HORRIFIC HEROISM

Hahaha…boy do I ever love creating weired titles…but hey…it sounds good…so fuck it right?

Hey…I said…riiiiiight?

Don’t make me get that fucking roided out Aussie Asian to come monkey punch the shit out of you.

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Well then…onto the creature that grows dramatically bigger and stronger with each passing day…generating a power unbenounced to man.

Something that God himself sculpted from the roots of David and the pubes of John…my HAIR

Finally…I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror…staring back at me was a scraggly looking black guy…and myself.

On my head was this thick full flowing animal of hair which was now beginning to have a mind of its own. No longer was I the master telling my hair what to do and where to go…it was now…owning me…this could not be….TIME FOR A CUT.

Of course since I’m me, and you are you, I opted for a cheap cut, while still maintaining some class. So I went to an Australian Hairdressing school.

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When I entered the building, the looks I received were hilarious. This one old lady walked past and gave me a horrified look…like I was dressed as death…here to take her away.

Eventually the looks subsided and they hooked me up with this tiny Asian girl. Not bad, and I’m not racist or anything, but I couldn’t understand a fucking thing she said. I would tell her what I wanted and prayed that’s what I got.

The spiked look I wanted…well…shit…I wasn’t gonna trust her with a razor about my head. But I’m pleased with what I received…also…I couldn’t believe the amount of fucking hair I actually had…I think I’m 10 pounds lighter…oh wait…uh 4.5kgs lighter…*mumbling…you kilogram fuckers*

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It was weird at first to see myself in the mirror without hair, but damn…it was needed n I must say…it looks good.

Anyways…the best quote to explain how I now look is from a guy I work with. I walk up…he takes one look at me and says.

“Hey Andrew…now you look like a guy who fucks chicks…before…you looked like a guy who stalks chicks”

Awesome thanks….weirdly enough…two days after the cut…another chapter in my estranged life was created.

Basically…this story is just too good, and weird as fuck that I couldn’t pass it up…so here it is.

Everyone’s heard of fucking in the club bathroom, the alleyway or even a hallway…but how bout a peep show closet thingy…ya…wrap your shit around this one.

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I don’t even remember how the interaction started…just that I can remember it from when the chick burned me with her cigarette.

After calling her a retard and shit, I get her to kiss my burn better…etc…make out.

Then she starts going on about some crazy shots she’s done…so I ask her if she’s ever had the motorboat(mind you she had some pretty big boobs) She said no…so…this motorboating son of a bitch…motorboated the shit outta them…then…time to leave the club….and look for a place to do the deed.

Out of no where…she suggests going to this “peep show” that we walk by. Having never been to one…I thought…why the fuck no. So go into this sleazy dirty ass meth addicted HIV pit of disease and commence to watch a 1 dollar peep show. (One of the nastiest naked chicks I’ve ever seen)

Anyway…we are in this small locked cubicle watching meth addicted melody herself, and then the peep screen closes…guuuuuuuueeeees whaaaaat….tiiiiiiime to fuck.

After the peep show wall slam of glory is finished…I get her into a cab, and return to the club…hmmm…guess that’s my first Brisbane lay…not bad…I wonder what will be in store next week.

Oh that reminds me…because I’m going to be…”settled” in Brisbane for the next month or so…I’ll just be posting on my blog every Sunday.

So check IT out…every Sunday…SAME BAT TIME…SAME BAT CHANEL…
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