Archive for March, 2009

Blondes…Blondes and more Blondes

Posted in The land down under with tags , , on March 21, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Shake rattle and roll bitches…from Brisbane upwards and onwards. Time for some sun, ocean breeze and whatever else the Paradise of Surfers may offer.

But hold on a second there little laddy…what’s this I hear? St. Paddy’s Day? A wednesday night pub crawl and blonde hair dye…hmmm…a very interesting combination.

Yes…Surfers Paradise…the Gold Coast…a Whales Vagina…all bring a wholesome ring to ones ears. But it wasn’t just my ears that were ringing after a glorific three days in this interesting place.

I’ve heard numerous mixed reviews on Surfers…and yes you can find points of each…I’m again…stuck in the middle with you. (God I gotta stop coming up with these lame 70’s references…or was it 80’s????)

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Surfers is a unique place. It’s got these huuuuuge skyrise appartments blanketed across the back of the beach, yet it has this kind of small town feel. Buuuut, and yes there’s always a but…this place is very “plastic”. It’s got all the high end shopping, numerous malls and enough platinum hair to make an albino blacksheep blush.

My days were mostly bombarded by chilling on the gorgeous goldeny crisp beaches and wrestling enormous waves with as much grace as a retarded three armed amputee.

Aside from the baking during the day…this place is still all about the nights. And what nights they were.

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When you visit nightclubs with the names like…Sin City, Cocktails and Dreams, The Drink, Melbas…actually, Melbas doesn’t sound all that bad. And with more Barbies running around then at a Malibu Mansion playset…it makes it that muuuuuuuch sweeter.

Oh and to add to this raunchfest supreme…it was St. Paddy’s day. The day of GLORIFIED DRUNKINESS.(It needs to be capitalized, just because everyone seems to be yelling on that day)

Personally, I thought Paddy’s day was on the weekend…buuut nope, its actually the 17th of March. *Grabs pint of Guiness* Here’s to getting a free hat…Yipeeee *Everyone Cheers*

Ya

Ya

Anyway…for all the alcoholics out there, Paddy’s Day started when they woke up, most were shit faced at 10 in the morning. Since I’m NOT trying to become one of those…I decided it would be best if I joined these boisterous crowds around 6.

Boy did I have a lot of catching up to do.

Shitty part was, I decide to wear shorts and sandals. My feet were stomped and crushed more times than Martha Stewarts pussy in jail.(Wait, wasn’t she in house arrest….ewwwwy)

Not only were my feet pulsating from the pain, my legs were soaked and I had numerous beer stains on my shirt.

Yes…full on authentic Irish partying. People falling down…yelling random words and pissing in the hallway…well…I assume that’s authentic Irish.

Best part…people kept buying me free drinks because they thought I was Irish…hmmm…maybe being mistaken as Irish isn’t half that bad.

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After enough Irish beer to get a free hat, and probably cook 10 loafs of bread…or atleast drop that many in the toilette…I scurried off to another venue.

Here I was hassled constantly by security as they didn’t care for my Irish Guiness hat.

Pffff…Agent Smith…thinking ur tooo cool for school…well…I’ve got a news flash for you…you…areeeen’t

Yes, I did oblige, but right as those beef eaters turned their backs…it was once again in its rightful place on my head. Hahaha…sticking it in the man…ooops…errr…to the man.

St. Paddy’s…a success.

Starting to feel a cold coming on, but fuck it, I’m 7 days straight partying and I need to keep it going.

I sign up for a pub crawl and even though this shit is usually top notch, its pretty much a dude fest. We rock up to this place called cocktails and Dreams, which should’ve been re-named COCKS and Dreams because of all the sweedish meatballs that were bouncing around.

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Still, I was here to meet dumb ADD turbo girls…with deluxe platinum hair and enough glitter to make Tinker Bell jealous.

It looks good when ur chatting away with these chicks…buuut damn. The convo’s are sooo painful. I just had to write some of what I remembered down.

(After chatting about “stuff”)
Her: Are you Irish or something?
Me: Ya…you should buy me a drink
Her: How did you get here?
Me: I took the plane from (name places)
Her: I like airplanes
Me: *Stunned look*
Her: airplanes bring people from place to place
Me: Yeeeeeah, here’s a place *points to crotch*

Eventually as with all pub crawls I was able to leave those problems behind…NEXT

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Here we all had a group picture, and this one chick kept on holding onto me for them…so as my brain does…it started clicking(yeah, its a problem I’m looking into) and for the last picture, picked this chick up.

I thought this would give me huuuge points as being the “dominant” type dude. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this chick was wearing a very short skirt, and thus…her ass was flashed for all to see. Yup, now who’s Mr. Popular?

Still I was able to somewhat reconcile the situation by saying I covered her face 😛 Unfortuantely, I soon found out she wasn’t a brunette and was actually a Blonde.

HEY EVERYONE…SHE’S A PHONY!!!

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Finally…my night ended with meeting a gourgeous stunner of a beauty.

A perfectly sculpted body from the glorified Greek hands of Zeus himself. This angel was the perfect shade of glistening golden brown, with lazer blue eyes that would melt the ice caps of Avalon with just one glance.

Her swaying lightly brown hair would have LARPer’s* around the world bowing to this princess of the forest woodland creatures creating the epic battle between beauty and geeky.

*LARP(Live Action Role Playing…check this shit out)

Aside from that, she was into hockey, was a bartender and could actually hold a conversation…Ding Ding…We’ve got a winner.

Her lips were moist, soft and delicately plump. Her tongue light and smooth as we both slowly moved our mouths together for what is called…a kiss.

Euphoria rushed through my veins as I broke away from this artful display, lightly biting on her lower lip as if it was a twinky.

We longfully gazed at eachother. Blue staring into Blue….and as all things must. It ended.

I whisked this Purtian, back out to the greater being. Once again to be ogled at the hands of man kind.

ogling hands

ogling hands

Join us next time for Say Hey Byron Bay…or…when keeping it real goes wrong!

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Baffling Brisbane~The Finaly

Posted in The land down under on March 16, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

God I love that song…funny as hell…and a great line to use when chatting up the ladies…buuuut I digress.

This last week, has been something of…interesting perportions. I decided to be a “good guy” and therefore gave my job two weeks notice on when I was leaving. Guess how those Venerial Diseased former USSR Slovakian vaginally challenged prostitutes repaid me?

Could you take a guess?

Well…since you can’t…I’ll fill you in. THEY FUCKED ME…but not in the good sense of the word.

I thought I’d get a few more shifts before I took off…buuuuuuut nooooooo. They just phoned me up the day before and said

“Uh….ya….we don’t need you to come in this week…mmmmkaaay…ya thanks”

Hows the TPS Reports looking

Hows the TPS Reports looking

 

*mumbling under breath* fuckers

So fuck it right…time to get down to real business…

THE HAIR

For those of you that have seen my previous devilish concoction of hair that destroyed villages and salvaged the cult…then u’ll know how fast and crazy my hair can get. Those of you that don’t know…well…shit…get with the program.

Anyway, my hair was again on its growing path of cataclysmic destruction and I thought…damn…I’m just gonna shave my head. But then a friend here in Brisbane mentioned a small dare…”How bout the reverse mowhawk”

Since I’m not one to turn down a challenge…specially if the gratuitous is a free drink…I oblidged.

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I grabbed a razor and put the nice loooong strip right down the middle. Personally…it didn’t stand out all that much, and chicks seemed to like running their fingers down the middle…well…that was until I said this.

*Chick running fingers down the middle of my head*
ME You keep running your fingers there I’m going to be running my fingers somewhere else…*eyes move below belt*
Chick *Standing there looking aghast*
ME I just jizzed in my pants

Don't tell your friends or I'll say ur a slut

Don't tell your friends or I'll say ur a slut

Now any normal, or sane person would stop there. Cut their hair weird once and say…alright George, I’ve got my free drink, time to shave the rest off.

Me on the other hand…don’t know anyone named George, so the next afternoon, when I was bored off my chops…I did this.

Hey…I never said I was sane.

the bowhawk

the bowhawk

And damn…did it ever get some looks.

Mostly the comments were along the lines of…

“The Flock of Seagulls called…they want their hair back”
“You look like shit covered with two pieces of hair”
“Get away from me creep”

Oh wait…that was a different night.

Funny enough…I ended up meeting a fucking minx of a chick. A reaaaaaaal F…R…E…A…K

All started by me just standing there chatting, when this devilish blonde runs up…grabs my bowhawk and says she loves my hair and wants a picture.

Me being my pure gentleman’s self…proclaimed, that she could…along the lines that I don’t give me services for free and a makeout was in order….BAAAAAAAAM.

Fast forward after the parts of her biting, clawing, scratching, pulling and numerous other verbal vobatums.

I attempt…BATHROOM PULL NUMERO QUATRE

Aaaaaaaaaand again…bouncer chode ends up blocking my way to glory…fuuuuuuuuuuuckity fuckity…all I want is Giggity giggity 😦

Unfortunately…the chick finds that was enough fun for her tonight…and like most ADD club girls, bounds off to find the next shiny penis to play with.

With only two days left, I was determined to squish as much fun into it as possible. Does that always happen? Well no, but it’s the attempt that matters. Therefore after a cool little australian BBQ…man I love these things, I planned to attend a FOAM PARTY

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Never been to one of these bad boys, so thought…fuck, this should be pretty sweet. Turns out…yes…wet boobs and ass are fun…unless all the boobs and ass are guys.

Still, I love the concept and had a good little dance off in the foam, buuuut then noticed the creepy Party Boy wannabe in a man thong…not the most attractive sight.

*shakes head* Just WTF

*shakes head* Just WTF

Finally…my last day in Brisbane.

It’s been crazy thinking how the month and a half has already passed in this glorific city.  From traveler to sandwich master, Brisbane had a hoast of adventures. I met some awesome people and love the clubbing life that surrounds the city. Therefore, my last day in Brisbane…has to be some spectacular adventure that would put oompa loompa’s in their place.

Soooo…lots of booze, an awesome group of players and tons of hot girls…yes…lets see what will happen shall we.

The Normanby is the place of destruction. After a little pre drinking at a friends house we all head into the stomping ground. I sneak in two extra beers, but after finishing my first, and popping open the second, I get caught. Luckily I’ve had enough of this liquidy goodness to dissapear into the shadows without any concequences.

The Brew Crew

The Brew Crew

After being a complete douchebag for a couple hours, I chilled down…slightly and started up with another group of chicks. I wasn’t really expecting much from it, basically was just helping out a friend get the hottie of the group, but as it turns out. We all end up bouncing from the Norms to the major old school deluxe casino in the city. Pretty cool, cus I’d never had gone otherwise.

I’m not much of a gambler cus I get pillaged at the casino’s all the time…literally…the pit bosses see me come in, sit me down at the table…turn me upside down and rake in all my money…not that fun…unless you like the head rush.

Anyway, all we end up doing is playing a few pokies, drinking these girly ass drinks called daqueries or eating out a plastic malibu stacey doll…whatever…all the same, then just shooting the shit.

After a few of these hellishly terrible drinks, the girls invite us over to their place for a dip in their pool. My buddy declines, but I’m all for it. Hell ya…last night in Brisbane, get to swim in a pool at 3am…good times bitches.

So I take the looooooooooong drive out past my previous longest drive to nowhere…realizing again…fuuuuck…there’s no way I’m going to be able to walk back from this shit hole. Get to their place…of course don’t pay for the cab, oh…well I gave them a piece of gum for the compensation…I’m a nice guy.

The two girls and myself, get to their pool, strip down…plunge in and immediately I realize its alot fucking colder then I thought. My pork steeple and two bells, felt that chilled liquid and ran to the hills as if being chased by genital warts. After that quick freeze fuck, it was time to warm up and select sleeping arrangements. I end up by passing the whoredar, by telling my target chick that she should show me her posters…works like a charm.

Unfortunately for me, after warming up from that chilled destruction of doom…she drops the bomb of bombs….I’M A VIRGIN……….*buldging eyes* Shit….WHAT?

Anyway…secret ops with invisability cloaks could not have snuck into that pussy…it was on complete lock down. I did try sneaking the forces around the back, but still, it was like picking off mexicans trying to cross illegaly in the US…complete and utter annihilation.

Still…got her to drive me home in the morning…made it back before check out…only got bout two hours of sleep…and I’m still going. What a way to Baffle Brisbane.

Next up…Turbo girls and beaches….yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

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Baffling Brisbane Part 4

Posted in The land down under on March 9, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

SEXY TIME!

Phrase coined by popular movie/tv personality Borat, but what does that really mean?

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I awake. Stare down at my watch…fuck its 8:05 am. I’ve gotten no fucking sleep my right arm feels
like a mix of ground beef and jello. To top this all off…I start work in under two hours.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

I feel like shit.

[Side Note:Since I’ve got nothing else to write about I’ll tell you about this gallant tale. It was full of ups and downs, sooooo enjoy the ride bitches]

Works done…it’s 10pm on Friday…fuck I don’t want to do anything but watch CSI and touch myself everytime I see a dead body.

Normally this is a fun game and all, but it’s a fucking friday…it’s basically a written code that you must go out. Oh…I’ve just been informed its not…well fuck you old information man.

I get to the club around midnight…its full on party timez…guys drinking their faces off, skirts running around trying to find something shiny to play with…you know…the usual.

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One thing I’ve noticed about clubbing in Australia, but majorilly in Brisbane, is that all the guys who come to the clubs are cool. You don’t see the awkward skinny fucking World of Warcraft wannabe hovering around the hot girls like you would back home. From wall to wall its ripped, steroid, fucks, who play rugby and probably punch babies on their days off. It’s a tough atmosphere, but…you must remember one simple tid bit….majority of guys are creeps.

Instead of becoming a creep, I turn into a major asshole. I’m talking to two chicks…we bullshit…they ask me if I’m Irish…I look at them and call them fucking sluts…they leave…I’m happy of my power to make people leave.

I still don’t understand how people miss-interpret me as an Irish person.

Do I have red hair? No. Am I dressed all in green? No. Do I prance around yelling “their after me lucky charms?” Well…yes sometimes…but that’s only 1 out of 3…so no I’m not Irish.

shes DEFINITELY NOT Irish

shes DEFINITELY NOT Irish

I decide I want to throw some ice around…I end up hitting a chick with sunglasses…she’s pissed…and woah…fucking taller then me.

She gets right into my space and starts going off. I think she’s cute, so I laugh and ask her if its fucking bright in here.

“What? WTF does that mean” She asks me.

“Well you are wearing Bob Dylan knock off sunglasses, so either your fucked or its super bright” I say

“Oh…these are because I’m too cool”

“Yup…too cool indeed I reply” and turn to face the bar.

This somewhat sets her off…she tries saying shit to me, I just laugh and start talking to her fat friend.

Soon enough, I’m introduced to their big group of friends…juuust as I thought…all hotties…and one…lone…FATTIE. Another world anomaly right there.

The tall Bob Dylan wannabe starts becoming more interesting, she’s wearing a leather jacket…and has a nice ass…I decide to slap it.

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Things start escalating…the group starts buying me shots…UH OH…

After four tequilas…I’m thinking this is going to be “one of those nights” I look at my watch 1:30 am…I work today…fuck it…I can worry about that later.

Eventually, we leave the club…the girls all get their greasy food…I count the money in my pocket…shit…3 dollars 50 cents…Yesss…I buy something to eat.

Girls pay for cab…I’m driven out to the far reaches of Brisbane into an area most notably known as…middle of butt fuck no where. I calculate the cab ride and how long it would take me to walk.

Not looking good on the walking situation.

We get in the house…shit starts getting steamy…people are passing out…I need to take a piss.

I return from the piss…my chick is now in pj’s…trying to sleep on the bed…hmmm…I like this game. We start fooling around and the chick says…I’m tired…I have a big day tomorrow.

WTF…I did not just come all the way out here to no man’s land for you to go to sleep. I look at my watch 3:34 am.

I tell her I’m thirsty and to get us some water. She obliges…this makes me happy.

I drink my water…much happier…look at chick…she looks back…

Atom Bomb of ecstasy explodes

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She did end up scaring me tho. Reason being…she told me it wasn’t “the best time of the month”

That is one of the scariest things a guy doesn’t want to hear…that…n his parents having sex.

Luckily…no red shower for this one.

We both pass out

I wake up…look at my watch…5:12 am

Now the debate…do I phantom this chick or do I wait it out until the morning?

I probably sat there on the edge of the bed for a good five minutes debating with myself looking for pros and cons. I decide to stay…fuck walking.

The morning…my alarm wakes me up…I can barely open my eyes…my bodies screaming at me…I force myself up…and piss all over her bathroom.

Back in the room the chicks looking at me…I ask her…Do I know you? joking of course…she doesn’t get the joke…no morning sex.

Her friend makes me breakfast…I’m in good spirits.

They tell me they can’t drive me…I’m starting to feel like shit

They tell me to take the bus…I now feel like shit.

Then it dawns on me…don’t you need money for the bus. I dig into my pocket…hey hey…I’ve got 10 fucking cents…how far will that get me?

They are not amused…they cough over four dollars.

I just stand in the middle of the room…both of them looking at me. I realize this is getting pretty awkward.

Well…better be hitting the old dusty trail.

I catch the bus and begin to have the worst day at work.

At one point during work, I sit down and in the back and put my head down. Yup…end up falling asleep.

My boss catches me sleeping…wakes me up and asks…”What are you doing”

Oh….I was just uhhhh…counting all the crepes here(as crepes were laying infront of me…yess…nice save.

He looks at me, tells me I look terrible and could take the rest of the afternoon off.

I’m ecstatic I go say by to all the other employees…who are hungover or sick looking as well…no one is amused by me being able to depart…they give me the death stare as I cartwheel away.

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SEXY TIME!

The Pornstar, Gay Night Debacle

Posted in The land down under on March 5, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

One of my friends just got kicked out of the club we were going to enter…pretty gay…but I didn’t realize how gay this scenario was until…I stepped inside.

[Just to note: I have nothing against gay clubs or gay people…in fact they are alot of fun…I’m just not gay, nor want to be…but I do want a bi girlfried…soooo what does that make me?]

(Ya the above link is the gayest song ever…funny as hell when south park makes fun of it tho)

It was last Sunday night(already finished the day’s post…so fuck it)

After the friend got kicked out, before he even got in, we all decided to split up as I had never been to one of Brisbane’s best clubs…The Family.

Yes…even if it is one of Brisbane’s best…it still has a few…ahem…awkward nights…this was one of those nights…called FLUFFY.

If you can notice from the title…it’s juuuust a little gay…and to tell you the truth…you’d be correct. It’s full on GAY night at Family.

is that roofio?

is that roofio?

Walk in through the doors…sweet place…good beats…chick DJ…two guys making out…big dance floor…uh…hold on a sec…back that up…big dance floor…nooo…two guys making out…hmmm…keep moving.

Then I clearly take a look around…well then.

I quickly spot two hot lesbians make out…then I don’t feel so bad…say to myself that there’s always bound to be hot single straight chicks here…and hit the dance floor.

My other buddy spots these two hot chicks up on the podium…One’s a blonde and the others a brunette. They are hot…I’m now over the gay situation.

Fluffy timez

Fluffy timez

Eventually, it looks as if the blonde may be a man…great body…but hold on a fucking second…yup…that looks like a mans face.

BRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRGHH

I turn around and immediately spot a straight chick…chat her up and begin to dance. She’s somewhat into it, but I can’t really get shit going…I then feel some hands brushing against my back…WTF…I turn around, there staring me in the face is a super flamer…with a really gay look on his face…ya…NO…I walk away from the gauntlet of gay and to the side.

This is where I notice the PORNSTARS.

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As I mentioned last week, I went to SEXPO…talked to a few people and recognized these chicks.

They were scantly clad and movie their bodies like they made money with them…oh wait…they do.

After a furry of sweaty bodies…ripped guys bumping eachother with their shirts off and the awkward piss in the mens toilet, I returned to the dance floor to see one of the craziest things I’ve ever witnessed live.

Two pornstars…one tall chocolately chicks and one gorgeous blonde.(and not the male blonde)

The blonde is wearing the tinniest little black skirt…hugging her body in all the best ways.

The chocolately is just moving her body and being very sexual…then out of no where.

WOOOSH…the chocolately gets behind the blonde…pulls up her skirt…bends her over…gets on her knees…aaaaand.

Starts eating the blonde chicks ass out…RIGHT THERE ON THE DANCEFLOOR.

I’m frozen

I don’t know weather to be extremely excited or grossed out. I’m in sexual no man’s land

There me and my buddy stand…watching this scenario unfold infront of our eyes…with everyone else bumping and grinding around the club…

This is too much stimulus for me…I roll up my jaw and exit the dancefloor to get some space.

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I leave my buddy with some chick and am now on the top floor over looking the whole club…standing…by myself.

A huge muscly ripped, male model type dude walks by and stands beside me.

I’m not concerned.

I just continue watching the happenings down below, shaking my head and laughing to myself. I spot two nasties making out…the guy beside me yells get a room…I laugh.

The dude introduces himself…my gaydar doesn’t go off…this guy’s just a normal dude.

We chat about nothing for a bit…theeeeen.

Sooo…where you from?

I’m not totally sure…I tell him.

He says a lame comment about my country.

Theeeeeeeeeeeen.

So, you gay, bi or straight.

DING DING…we have a winner…come on down folks looks like we may have hooked a gay.

gayness

I chuckle to myself and say straight…just tell him I’m hear to take the straight chicks off his hands.

The dude laughs at this…and then I get awkward and leave.

Hey…atleast the dude didn’t beat around the bush and make it any more awkward then it already was.

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A few other notable parts of that night…when I was chatting up this older brunette chick, and I just casually throw out some comment, and she mentions that she’s a man…hmmm…ya…well…ahem…better be hitting the old dusty trail.

Aaaaaaaaand…sometime during the night, on the dancefloor my buddy dances past one of the platforms that has a gay guy on it.

My buddy has his hands raised in the air, the gay guy, takes this as a sign of invitation and attempts to lift my buddy on the platform. The look on my friends face was priceless. He turns around and motions with his harm that he’s straight. The gay guy doesn’t take the hint…he goes in again. My buddy swats him away and dances off.

The flamer makes a limp wristed jesture…I laugh hysterically on the dancefloor…man gay people are funny.

Baffling Brisbane Part 3

Posted in The land down under on March 2, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Well, I sat here pondering for a few minutes trying to come up with something witty to start off this week, but fuck…I can’t think of anything.

Ooooo, just checked out this chick sitting beside me…not bad…I’m just gonna talk to her , hold on a sec…………………………………….well…I’m back, she’s Irish…can’t fucking understand her…more like good from a far, buuuut…far from good.

And there we have it folks, lets start the show.

So since, this week only had a few odd jobs of interesting, I decided to give you all a small taste of my novel I’m currently working on.

Just testing it out a bit, and going to see what people think, buuuuut before I do that, let’s get to this past week.

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I originally thought, this week was going to be a wash. For one, nothing exciting planned…no unprotected sex…no streaking…no explosive diarrhea and the E trip…well…it’s a story for another day. Still…for some strange reason, unique things seem to seek me out…aaaand…this is what found me.

SEXPO…

Who wants to ride?

Who wants to ride?

I’ve read about these types of conventions…huge in the U.S, especially in Vegas and L.A where the “Woodies” are held(like the oscars, just for porn) Anyway, I just happened to stumble on the sign leading the way(no thankfully I didn’t fall over and hurt myself)…I took one look…looked again…rubbed my eyes and said…seeeexpo?

YESSSSSSSS…I’M GOING

Now I didn’t go there for the same reason as the star trek nerds, or the weird fucking guy wearing the black trench-coat. I went there to make contacts…yes…I said it…it was more educational then anything.

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I know what you’re thinking…and NO…I do not want to be a porn star…actually far from it…I want to be a porn director 😉

(ya…just let that sink in)…all right…we good?… anyway…I used to joke about this shit, but after talking to a director and producer, I’m actually very interested. Much more opportunities back home….there’s just soooo much money to be had at the hands…or palms…of all the perv’s out there. And don’t get me wrong…if you saw my name over the title of some high end porn…be real…you’d buy it…hey now *shaking fist* don’t act like you wouldn’t.

After talking with these guys about the possibility of jobs, where to look, how to get in, who to talk to, and other “real life” type questions, I had enough info to go on my way and peruse the stands.

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Well shit…it’s there, might as well sample.

One thing I found…not as much “Adult” content as I hoped for…mostly just shit like oversized dildo’s, outfit’s and body oils. There were only three stands that offered real pornstars,

The reason for this? Australia (especially Queensland and Victoria) have harsh laws against adult types of material, therefore they can’t have all the models walking around topless or offer the live porn as they would in Sydney or Perth…guess someone can’t handle their porn.

A redhead...imagine the odds

A redhead...imagine the odds

Aside from the assless chaps, strip poker, a hot red head doing a pole dance, and just seeing how far I could get with the porn stars by saying really fucked up shit. I had my fill of SEXPO.

I gallantly skipped home thinking of the possibilities there are in the porn industry and where I would start.

Definitely the highlight of my week.

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/////////////////////////////////////////////////
Now…onto a part of my book.

[Note: you need to listen to the song at the start of the blog…it’s what makes this story]

Junior High, I was beggining to ease in. Still nervous, still unsure where to fit in….and consistently….awkward.

Aside from a few mishaps in class…I seem to be doing alright for myself…there are a few girls, I somewhat notice, but making a move, yikes…that just wouldn’t work, but I’ve heard mentions of a dance coming up…I’ve never been to a dance, I wonder how that’ll work out.

Should I ask someone to the dance? Or just show up? Hmm…I have no idea how these things work.

[Day of Dance]

Oh my shit…I’m so fucking nervous…what the fuck am I going to do? What do I wear…HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DANCE.

I meet up with some friends…we have all brought our cans of food so we can get into the dance cheaper. Some of the guys are talking about who they are going to slow dance with. I remember dancing with a girl once, but not sure if it was slow or fast…hmmm.

Being guys…we go do the normal “guy” thing…stand against the wall and just watch.

I’m confused in what to do, so, basically the best bet in these situations is…to do…nothing.

A cute girl walks past me and smiles, I’ve seen her before, but I decide it’s best to avert eye contact in these types of situations…so I turn away…now I’m facing…the wall…wheee…this is fun.

Later on I somewhat loosen up, I commence dancing, or more of an uncoordinated retarded shake…I start having a good time…then…A SLOW SONG.

It seems everybody, but me gets a parter, and starts…gulp…touching each other. My friends are dancing with these gorgeous girls…um…what should I do? Do I remain here in the middle, where my friends left me? I think that would be the best, that means they’ll find me when they’re done and we’ll go back to doing…whatever we were doing.

good logic.

After a handful of slow dances pass…I learn that its not the best to stand in the middle of the dance floor…especially by yourself… guess its weird.

Still haven’t experienced this phenomena called the “slow dance”. Yet, this one girl keeps looking at me…what’s her deal? What does she want? I’m completely confused.

Eventually the girls friend comes up to me, tells me something along the lines that the girl likes me and I should ask her to dance. Um…why do I need to ask her? Lets just meet here and do the dance, but the girl insists. So I decide if it will stop this weird girl from staring I’ll do it.

Slow song commences…I walk over…I’m sweating bombs, nervously rubbing my hands together, but still, when I asked, the girl accepted.

I look around to see what others are doing…oh…the guys hands go around the girls waist. I slowly and shakingly place my hands on the girls body. Hey this isn’t so bad, but what now. I decided to stick with what I do best…nothing. The girl helps me out in the actual dancing part. Wow…it’s just back and forth, slowly…hence the name…slow dance.

I end up dancing with that girl all night…then finally…the song.

“Better off Alone”

A very unique song for a unique night.

I’m doing my best awkward dance…probably a mix of the robot, turrets and wild shakes…pretty much the base of my dancing now a days.

I end up loving this song, for some reason the beat or the tune just connects with me.

I’m looking at the girl…she’s looking at me…we start dancing closer…I’m feeling really good.

I notice the girl getting this “strange” look in her eye. Geez,what’s that all about I think.

The girl slowly inches closer…I continue to shake…closer…I’m unsure what she’s doing…closer…my mouth gets dry…

our lips touch…

My mind begins spinning faster then…uh…a fast spinning thing.

she breaks it off, smiles at me and leaves the dance area…I was standing frozen for about 5 minutes, with this stupid look on my face, the rhythm of the song blasting through my body while everyone continues dancing around me.

I don’t even know her name.

Am I in love?