Baffling Brisbane Part 4


Phrase coined by popular movie/tv personality Borat, but what does that really mean?


I awake. Stare down at my watch…fuck its 8:05 am. I’ve gotten no fucking sleep my right arm feels
like a mix of ground beef and jello. To top this all off…I start work in under two hours.


I feel like shit.

[Side Note:Since I’ve got nothing else to write about I’ll tell you about this gallant tale. It was full of ups and downs, sooooo enjoy the ride bitches]

Works done…it’s 10pm on Friday…fuck I don’t want to do anything but watch CSI and touch myself everytime I see a dead body.

Normally this is a fun game and all, but it’s a fucking friday…it’s basically a written code that you must go out. Oh…I’ve just been informed its not…well fuck you old information man.

I get to the club around midnight…its full on party timez…guys drinking their faces off, skirts running around trying to find something shiny to play with…you know…the usual.


One thing I’ve noticed about clubbing in Australia, but majorilly in Brisbane, is that all the guys who come to the clubs are cool. You don’t see the awkward skinny fucking World of Warcraft wannabe hovering around the hot girls like you would back home. From wall to wall its ripped, steroid, fucks, who play rugby and probably punch babies on their days off. It’s a tough atmosphere, but…you must remember one simple tid bit….majority of guys are creeps.

Instead of becoming a creep, I turn into a major asshole. I’m talking to two chicks…we bullshit…they ask me if I’m Irish…I look at them and call them fucking sluts…they leave…I’m happy of my power to make people leave.

I still don’t understand how people miss-interpret me as an Irish person.

Do I have red hair? No. Am I dressed all in green? No. Do I prance around yelling “their after me lucky charms?” Well…yes sometimes…but that’s only 1 out of 3…so no I’m not Irish.



I decide I want to throw some ice around…I end up hitting a chick with sunglasses…she’s pissed…and woah…fucking taller then me.

She gets right into my space and starts going off. I think she’s cute, so I laugh and ask her if its fucking bright in here.

“What? WTF does that mean” She asks me.

“Well you are wearing Bob Dylan knock off sunglasses, so either your fucked or its super bright” I say

“Oh…these are because I’m too cool”

“Yup…too cool indeed I reply” and turn to face the bar.

This somewhat sets her off…she tries saying shit to me, I just laugh and start talking to her fat friend.

Soon enough, I’m introduced to their big group of friends…juuust as I thought…all hotties…and one…lone…FATTIE. Another world anomaly right there.

The tall Bob Dylan wannabe starts becoming more interesting, she’s wearing a leather jacket…and has a nice ass…I decide to slap it.


Things start escalating…the group starts buying me shots…UH OH…

After four tequilas…I’m thinking this is going to be “one of those nights” I look at my watch 1:30 am…I work today…fuck it…I can worry about that later.

Eventually, we leave the club…the girls all get their greasy food…I count the money in my pocket…shit…3 dollars 50 cents…Yesss…I buy something to eat.

Girls pay for cab…I’m driven out to the far reaches of Brisbane into an area most notably known as…middle of butt fuck no where. I calculate the cab ride and how long it would take me to walk.

Not looking good on the walking situation.

We get in the house…shit starts getting steamy…people are passing out…I need to take a piss.

I return from the piss…my chick is now in pj’s…trying to sleep on the bed…hmmm…I like this game. We start fooling around and the chick says…I’m tired…I have a big day tomorrow.

WTF…I did not just come all the way out here to no man’s land for you to go to sleep. I look at my watch 3:34 am.

I tell her I’m thirsty and to get us some water. She obliges…this makes me happy.

I drink my water…much happier…look at chick…she looks back…

Atom Bomb of ecstasy explodes


She did end up scaring me tho. Reason being…she told me it wasn’t “the best time of the month”

That is one of the scariest things a guy doesn’t want to hear…that…n his parents having sex.

Luckily…no red shower for this one.

We both pass out

I wake up…look at my watch…5:12 am

Now the debate…do I phantom this chick or do I wait it out until the morning?

I probably sat there on the edge of the bed for a good five minutes debating with myself looking for pros and cons. I decide to stay…fuck walking.

The morning…my alarm wakes me up…I can barely open my eyes…my bodies screaming at me…I force myself up…and piss all over her bathroom.

Back in the room the chicks looking at me…I ask her…Do I know you? joking of course…she doesn’t get the joke…no morning sex.

Her friend makes me breakfast…I’m in good spirits.

They tell me they can’t drive me…I’m starting to feel like shit

They tell me to take the bus…I now feel like shit.

Then it dawns on me…don’t you need money for the bus. I dig into my pocket…hey hey…I’ve got 10 fucking cents…how far will that get me?

They are not amused…they cough over four dollars.

I just stand in the middle of the room…both of them looking at me. I realize this is getting pretty awkward.

Well…better be hitting the old dusty trail.

I catch the bus and begin to have the worst day at work.

At one point during work, I sit down and in the back and put my head down. Yup…end up falling asleep.

My boss catches me sleeping…wakes me up and asks…”What are you doing”

Oh….I was just uhhhh…counting all the crepes here(as crepes were laying infront of me…yess…nice save.

He looks at me, tells me I look terrible and could take the rest of the afternoon off.

I’m ecstatic I go say by to all the other employees…who are hungover or sick looking as well…no one is amused by me being able to depart…they give me the death stare as I cartwheel away.




One Response to “Baffling Brisbane Part 4”

  1. Seth Peterson Says:

    Love the story champ……….your douche-baggery knows no bounds

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