Blondes…Blondes and more Blondes

Shake rattle and roll bitches…from Brisbane upwards and onwards. Time for some sun, ocean breeze and whatever else the Paradise of Surfers may offer.

But hold on a second there little laddy…what’s this I hear? St. Paddy’s Day? A wednesday night pub crawl and blonde hair dye…hmmm…a very interesting combination.

Yes…Surfers Paradise…the Gold Coast…a Whales Vagina…all bring a wholesome ring to ones ears. But it wasn’t just my ears that were ringing after a glorific three days in this interesting place.

I’ve heard numerous mixed reviews on Surfers…and yes you can find points of each…I’m again…stuck in the middle with you. (God I gotta stop coming up with these lame 70’s references…or was it 80’s????)


Surfers is a unique place. It’s got these huuuuuge skyrise appartments blanketed across the back of the beach, yet it has this kind of small town feel. Buuuut, and yes there’s always a but…this place is very “plastic”. It’s got all the high end shopping, numerous malls and enough platinum hair to make an albino blacksheep blush.

My days were mostly bombarded by chilling on the gorgeous goldeny crisp beaches and wrestling enormous waves with as much grace as a retarded three armed amputee.

Aside from the baking during the day…this place is still all about the nights. And what nights they were.


When you visit nightclubs with the names like…Sin City, Cocktails and Dreams, The Drink, Melbas…actually, Melbas doesn’t sound all that bad. And with more Barbies running around then at a Malibu Mansion playset…it makes it that muuuuuuuch sweeter.

Oh and to add to this raunchfest supreme…it was St. Paddy’s day. The day of GLORIFIED DRUNKINESS.(It needs to be capitalized, just because everyone seems to be yelling on that day)

Personally, I thought Paddy’s day was on the weekend…buuut nope, its actually the 17th of March. *Grabs pint of Guiness* Here’s to getting a free hat…Yipeeee *Everyone Cheers*



Anyway…for all the alcoholics out there, Paddy’s Day started when they woke up, most were shit faced at 10 in the morning. Since I’m NOT trying to become one of those…I decided it would be best if I joined these boisterous crowds around 6.

Boy did I have a lot of catching up to do.

Shitty part was, I decide to wear shorts and sandals. My feet were stomped and crushed more times than Martha Stewarts pussy in jail.(Wait, wasn’t she in house arrest….ewwwwy)

Not only were my feet pulsating from the pain, my legs were soaked and I had numerous beer stains on my shirt.

Yes…full on authentic Irish partying. People falling down…yelling random words and pissing in the hallway…well…I assume that’s authentic Irish.

Best part…people kept buying me free drinks because they thought I was Irish…hmmm…maybe being mistaken as Irish isn’t half that bad.


After enough Irish beer to get a free hat, and probably cook 10 loafs of bread…or atleast drop that many in the toilette…I scurried off to another venue.

Here I was hassled constantly by security as they didn’t care for my Irish Guiness hat.

Pffff…Agent Smith…thinking ur tooo cool for school…well…I’ve got a news flash for you…you…areeeen’t

Yes, I did oblige, but right as those beef eaters turned their backs…it was once again in its rightful place on my head. Hahaha…sticking it in the man…ooops…errr…to the man.

St. Paddy’s…a success.

Starting to feel a cold coming on, but fuck it, I’m 7 days straight partying and I need to keep it going.

I sign up for a pub crawl and even though this shit is usually top notch, its pretty much a dude fest. We rock up to this place called cocktails and Dreams, which should’ve been re-named COCKS and Dreams because of all the sweedish meatballs that were bouncing around.


Still, I was here to meet dumb ADD turbo girls…with deluxe platinum hair and enough glitter to make Tinker Bell jealous.

It looks good when ur chatting away with these chicks…buuut damn. The convo’s are sooo painful. I just had to write some of what I remembered down.

(After chatting about “stuff”)
Her: Are you Irish or something?
Me: Ya…you should buy me a drink
Her: How did you get here?
Me: I took the plane from (name places)
Her: I like airplanes
Me: *Stunned look*
Her: airplanes bring people from place to place
Me: Yeeeeeah, here’s a place *points to crotch*

Eventually as with all pub crawls I was able to leave those problems behind…NEXT


Here we all had a group picture, and this one chick kept on holding onto me for them…so as my brain does…it started clicking(yeah, its a problem I’m looking into) and for the last picture, picked this chick up.

I thought this would give me huuuge points as being the “dominant” type dude. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this chick was wearing a very short skirt, and thus…her ass was flashed for all to see. Yup, now who’s Mr. Popular?

Still I was able to somewhat reconcile the situation by saying I covered her face 😛 Unfortuantely, I soon found out she wasn’t a brunette and was actually a Blonde.



Finally…my night ended with meeting a gourgeous stunner of a beauty.

A perfectly sculpted body from the glorified Greek hands of Zeus himself. This angel was the perfect shade of glistening golden brown, with lazer blue eyes that would melt the ice caps of Avalon with just one glance.

Her swaying lightly brown hair would have LARPer’s* around the world bowing to this princess of the forest woodland creatures creating the epic battle between beauty and geeky.

*LARP(Live Action Role Playing…check this shit out)

Aside from that, she was into hockey, was a bartender and could actually hold a conversation…Ding Ding…We’ve got a winner.

Her lips were moist, soft and delicately plump. Her tongue light and smooth as we both slowly moved our mouths together for what is called…a kiss.

Euphoria rushed through my veins as I broke away from this artful display, lightly biting on her lower lip as if it was a twinky.

We longfully gazed at eachother. Blue staring into Blue….and as all things must. It ended.

I whisked this Purtian, back out to the greater being. Once again to be ogled at the hands of man kind.

ogling hands

ogling hands

Join us next time for Say Hey Byron Bay…or…when keeping it real goes wrong!


One Response to “Blondes…Blondes and more Blondes”

  1. Awesome man – thanks for the birthday message too! I’m a slack replier.

    Keen for the next instalment.

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