Say Hey Byron Bay

What is there not to say about Byron Bay. From the squeaky plush sand stretching all around this fantastic lush most Easterly point of Australia, to the great surf with waves towering the size of Yao Ming. This is one stop to never miss, on any journey.

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Buuut, just like anything beautiful that I venture into, there is always “something” that goes wrong.

Here’s…

WHEN KEEPING IT REAL…GOES WRONG- Byron Style:

After a chilled out day of full on relaxation at the beach, an attempted suntan and a great chat with two cute Colorado girls, it was now time for douchebaggery and debauchery.

yes hat

yes hat

Therefore I drank down a sixer and shared half a “goon*” with another hostel mate and rolled the dice to see what would happen. These are the wonderfully wrong results…

  • by the way…goon is basically nasty ass boxed wine, without any grapes…but its cheap and gets you drunk* 😀

It was passed midnight and a group of us roll up to this lame nightclub in Byron. We get a free drink so whatever.

I end up becoming an obnoxious asshole and push my way to the front of a bar “supposedly” calling a chick a stupid slut in the process. She pushes me. I look at her…scoff and push her back…she then whaps me in the face. All the hostel friends think this is funny…I get high fived and am now thinking that was a good idea.WRONG

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I grab this little hottie brunette…immediately she grinds up on me, slut style hard…I’m enjoying this…I decide to no longer fuck around…I bend her over say “Fatality” and slap her ass. REAL

She walks off not liking any of that…I commence dancing like nothing happened. Whilst reveling in raves of laughter and high fives REAL

We all end up taking off to another bar ala Cheeky Monkeys where I begin to chat up ever single girl in my vicinity. Real…buuut Try Hard

One group of girls, that I’m chatting with start getting a little rough. I’m not sure if they are joking or serious…I’m gonna go with joking.

One chick gets pretty mad.

Now I could’ve just stopped right there and moved onto something else…buuut I wanted to keep it real.

Soooo…This chick goes ape shit crazy and starts swinging at me…whilst I’m still laughing and spinning her around…she misses three punches then…WHAM…connects right into my mouth. Fuck. I let go and am about to keep it even more realer by seeing if my PIMP hand is still strong, buuut I think better and decide to stop.

Some Swedish guys, who had seen the whole ordeal go down, think I’m awesome. They buy me a beer…Ahh yes…still keeping it real baby…I definitely built this city.

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I get bored of dancing on the tables and head back to the hostel. Here I begin drinking more goon whilst eating a shepherds pie.

MMMM PIE

Now I begin joking around with the group that’s gathered around the picnic tables. The usual jokes start flying around, like: “Thats what she said” and “Your Mom”

One guy starts getting bugged more than the rest, I think its because he’s a ginger. Anyway I start going off saying all these mom jokes and the guy gets “offended”

Whatever, fuck him if he can’t take a joke. Still, I stop and decide it’d be best if I go to bed.

Except this part is still about keeping it real, so when ginger boy comes waltzing into the room and says the blanket I have looks really gay, I retort saying his mom looks really gay.

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He tells me to fuck off, I say his mom needs to fuck me off first.

He then tells me to stop with the mom jokes…or else.

Of course…what do you think I’m gong to do? Am I honestly going to stop? What do you think this guys going to do? I’m on a fucking role…there’s no way fire face mcgee is gonna get me too stop.

  • In taunting voice*”oooo loookit me I’m a ginger and stop it…you baddy or…or…or else.”

pffff…yeah right

So of course I come back with a mom comment. Aaaaaaaaaaand this guy fly’s off the handle bars.

He grabs my leg, with a crazed look that only someone who is the spawn of satin could muster. Then with the other hand ferociously grabs the bunk bed and yanks.

Now me, along with the entire bunk bed test the force of gravity as this all begins slamming to the ground.

Best part. I was pretty much 8 feet up, on the top bunk.

I quickly see the floor rushing inline with my face and somehow in my crazed drunk mode, I army style barrel roll away from the fallen debree. Then I attempt to stand, and realize…my ankles fucked.

Shit, it’s starting to swell…Yup great. Way to keep it real.

Now, I’m still buzzed so I don’t feel as much of the pain and decide to wobble up to where this red haired fuck is and confront him.

Unfortunately, the red eared monster is generating a frenzy, against mom jokes. Great, now I’ve got a mob on my hands and this stupid freckle face is not gonna fix the bed.

I decide to leave the posse of pussies and crash on the couches in the TV room.

Waking up the next day…my ankle is bigger than a new born babies head. Ugggh real was a baaaaaaaad choice.

Even though I had the bad mis adventure, I was given a strand of golden light. I was put into a dorm room…as the only guy.

AW YEAH.

And one of the chicks in the room was the same as one that eye fucked the shit out of me on the beach.

BIEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAA

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Ahem…sorry bout that, got a little out of hand, back to the story.

I end up slipping in her…the idea of going to the lighthouse(even though my ankles fucked) and she agrees to come along.

An awesome idea as it gave us some one on one time, buuut I’m a pitiful mess. I was like a hobbling deer who just wants to be shot in the head and put out of its misery.

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Still my verbal skills were not hindered by the ankle and I was able to gain some momentum.

Oh, right and the view from the lighthouse was gorgeous.
The best part…I spotted some dolphins….and a small shark.

Yes bonus points me

The next few days of hobbling were kind of funny. I watched people who watched me. I pictured in my mind these people thinking I’m some kind of hardcore, but in reality…I wasn’t

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This led me to making my ankle a real winner at the bars. Most know how chicks dig scars…well I’ve got a new one. Chicks dig surfing accidents.

Yup *puffs out chest* This bad boy here. *points to self*(think Ron Burgundy voice mixed with the movie voice over guy) Well, I don’t want to scare you or anything, but damn, the waves were a crushing monster which absolutely ate me up. Then out of nowhere came this crusher of a wave which decided to pile drive me right in the sand, thus spraining my ankles, buuuut, they don’t call me bobby vanilla for nothing, *breaths in* you know…I still managed to finish destroying a monsooniwatchamicallit tubular wave of gregarious preportions…so no big deal.

Girl: Glazed over eyes…panties become wetter than niegra falls

Ahhh yes…what you do when you’re bored.

Since I’m normally a cave dwelling cool colour of pale, getting my brown on was a definite high priority. However, I’m not much of a browner, or a goldeny for that matter. I’m more a shade of pink with a nice redish glaze.

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Yup you guessed it. I fucking burned…AGAIN. It’s just something that I can’t seem to hide from…and guess what? I was wearing Stupid Pussy Fuck 30+

Oh well, can’t win em all, but you can get rid of the pain. Wanna know how?

Well of course you do, otherwise you would’ve stopped reading about ten minutes ago.

Anyway, best remedy(without having to put on that stinky ass aloe vera shit)is a trip to the town of NIMBIN.

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Now this place is a little tiny ass shit hole town in the middle of no where. “Why would you want to go there then” You may ask. Well to get marijuana. Since its in the middle of no where, people grow this magical plant by the butt loads. Also they make cakes, cookies, brownies and whatever you wanna make with that herb.

So I booked a tour to this little town, bought some cookies and a cake. Ate half a cookie, then half the cake and waited for the magic to set in.

Actually getting the stuff was a lot harder then I originally expected. For starters, there was a drug bust that day, so all these freaks were more tweaked out then usual. I kept asking around…aaaand people kept shouting at me to leave them alone.

FUCK I JUST WANT SOME STUFF TO EAT THAT WILL GET ME HIGH.

(hmmm maybe I was asking the wrong people)

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Eventually, I got it, ate it and then waited…and waited…and waited. Dammit, again I got shit stuff that’s not gonna work. I hate this. So I ingested juuust a little more.

Finally, it was like all in one motion…WHOOOOOOOOOOSH…it hit me. Riiight when I was about to go on a jungle walk.

With my whole body tingling and my thoughts running around my head like the killer off scary movie chasing the losers around the house…I was FUCKED.

I was thinking about so much stupid shit to say or do, that I literally told myself to shut up and I didn’t say anything for a good two hours…you get that…TWO HOURS…I didn’t talk.

WTF? how did you not talk?

Well, whenever I did talk it was something completely jibberish or dumb that no one could understand. So I got paranoid into not talking.

Also, I got in my mind that everyone else was completely sober and thought I was just a bumbling idiot…which I was.

Then it was the walk of death. We climbed up to a waterfall.

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Boy, definitely not a good idea when ur high. All these rocks, branches and vines, and here I am at the top thinking…….I just want to sit down.

As I attempt to navigate through the mess of spinning rocks and foot supports, I’m being coached down by some sober motherfucker, who decided it would be best if he helped me out. Normally I’d be all for it, however I was pretty inebreated, therefore I found it highly distracting.

Luckily I wasn’t in a shouting mood, so I kindly told him to fuck off and mind his own business. Then…I made it down the hill…now…how to get back up.

Eventually we pasted a park full of kids. By far the funniest thing all day. All these little people swinging, running, jumping and laughing. Looking back, not really sure why it was so funny.

God I’d love to see a recording of that day.

Aaaaand that’s Byron Bay. My adventures, mis adventures and when keeping it real goes wrong.

Now its raining, and I’m off on my merry way. Next up. drowning in Coffs Harbour.

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3 Responses to “Say Hey Byron Bay”

  1. Only you would think that getting beat up by girls and gingers is the best way to have a good night. hahahaha love your shit

    PS i’ll probably be delaying my canada trip for 6 months to a year 😦

  2. excellent site this bobbyvanilla.wordpress.com excellent to see you have what I am actually looking for here and this this post is exactly what I am interested in. I shall be pleased to become a regular visitor 🙂

  3. sick as man stuff man – crazy coffs harbour story too – saw it all on the news up here, but I forgot you’d be there… good thing you were on the second floor.

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