Archive for May, 2009

A Town with a Queen in it

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , , , , , on May 18, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

A beautiful little town in the deep south of New Zealand. Normally whenever some one thinks of the deep south it usually brings up pictures of toothless wonders and beer bellies, covered by a thin layer of white fabric that’s possibly stained with mustard…or vomit. Luckily we won’t have any of that…well I do like mustard. Here is Queenstown…

Guess my drunkness has finally taken another swipe at me. Today as I write this, I’m actually still in this beautiful little town. Unfortunately…I shouldn’t be. The reason being…I MISSED MY FUCKING BUS.

Yes had a…ahem…”small night out”, if you know what I mean and therefore slept through my 6am wake up call. Resulting in…oh…I don’t know…MISSING MY FUCKING BUS. Oh well, I’m not too fazed, I just spent another 40 dollars so I don’t miss all my following up buses. Yeah 40 bucks…arghhhhhh.

Anyway…*straightens self up, flatens out shirt…adjusts tie*

Alright, lets get to the story.

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If you do any traveling on the complete opposite side of the world(well, where I come from anyway) you’ll hear one place that you need to visit. QUEENSTOWN.

Why is this place a MUST on someone’s to do list. Well…ha ha…glad you asked. Here’s a little run down.

Mountains towering on ever corner of the land. Crisp air that basically tastes like…well air…geez. This small town is situated on a lake, has numerous ski hills, a stunning opening into the great land of NZ and is the heart of partying. If Hollywood and booze had a kid…this would be that illegitamite child.

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Even though this is basically paradise on Acid I took a small trip out to explore the land a bit more. The south of New Zealand is pretty incredible. Full of sheep and big jagged rocks pointing out of the earth. Also I found out that alot of Lord of the Rings was filmed around here. Pretty cool eh (all the nerds in the back start cheering) Hey…you back there, put your swords down and simmer. Alright, where was I…ahhh yes, the landscape on this south Island is like that of home.

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Mountains, lakes, lush greenery countryside. It’s more like a hybrid of Alberta and B.C, if you can kind of picture that. Also I found out that NZ has no predators. No wolves, bears, abominable snowmen, you know…just safe stuff. No wonder their national icon is the kiwi bird. (slight snicker)

Anyway, you get the idea. New Zealands fucking beautiful…Get involved and get some.

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

Aside from sexploring NZ with my feet, I was also exploring it with something else….wanna take a guess?….no not that you sicko’s…SKATES…fuck I’d think you’d be sex addicts or something…wow, just get your heads out of the gutter.*shaking head*

Anyway, yes skates. I found an arena nearby and started playing some hockey. It was pretty good getting back out there having a glorious time of shooting the ol rubber around. Buuut that could only last for a couple days until I needed to get onto something else.

Aaaaaaand that’s why this place has sooooo many bars.

*don’t have a picture, so just think of tons of bars in a row*

Rocking up to the swarm of bars like they were soup kitchens I realize there’s something special going on tonight. I start chatting with the group from the hostel and they tell me…yes…there is something special…it’s something those who have little time call…SPEED DATING.

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Yes my friends gather round. The god of golden gab is given two mintues…twenty possible chicks and no limits…hmmm…what could possibly happen. *hallelujah begins playing in the distance*

It took me a few chicks to warm up to the game, but then I realized something…I’m taking this waaaay to fucking serious. Ha ha haaaaaa…I don’t take anything really seriously. So the next chick I rocked up to I decided I wasn’t going to let her speak. I was going to do all the chatting for two minutes without a possible break for her. I talked about sand, the sun, trees and even pissing in all the oceans in the world(Which I have done…just to note) Her face went from confused, to shocked, to annoyed and finally impressed. When that bell rang, she finally spoke. She told me I amazed her…ahhh yes dear…I do have that effect…*whispering* it’s my cross to bear

Then after feeling like the lord of speach I came across a chick who left me absolutely speechless. It went like this

*sitting down*
Her: Show me your dick
Me: *look of pure amazement on my face*
*finish sitting down*
*process what she just said*
Me: Just let me get comfortable *slight smirk*
Her: Well I’m waiting
Me: Hmmm…how bout I see your tits first
Her: In front of everyone?
Me: Hahaha…well we could go behind the dumpster
Her: *grabs my hands, puts both hands in her shirt, up against her snuggle puppies*
Me: wow you have really tiny nipples
Me: (well shit…what else was I gonna do?)
*take hands out of her shirt*
Her: Soooo…*looking at me expectantly*
Me: sorry, you only get the balls
*balls out…bell rings*

Yeah….so that was basically speed dating at its finest. I did end up pissing off two Canadian chicks…hahaha…all I said was: I have the same camera…do you shoot porn with yours too? Geeez some chicks have no sense of humour.

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A new change in scenery was a must and after holding court for awhile it was time to mingle. Chatting with a guy I’d met during hockey, this tiny little brunette chick catches my eye. It was funny, after she caught my eye, we locked and like a tractor beam I just rock right over…whilst still holding eye contact. Thinking back, how the fuck did I not run into anything? Anyway, it was probably like that movie shit where everything slows around you and you get like the cheesy music playing, cus damn…it was smooth.

This chick would end up being the cherish into the night as we immediately had the bubble of love. I wish I could go on and on about how smooth it went from there….buuuuuut, you know me…nothing’s smooth in my world.

paradise should atleast be smooth

paradise should atleast be smooth

Still the extration from the club was as smooth as any, even if it was a warm minus 5 and her wearing a skimpy little skirt. From here on out it goes downhill…literally. Since my hostel is a good 7 minute walk, I decide for the next best bet…hers. Unfortunately it wasn’t to my knowledge that a doorman would be present.

“You’re a doorman…a fucking doorman…doorman….DOORMAN…*whispers*doorman”

Aaaaaanyway, I tried convincing the doorman that…well shit…I betcha he’s been in the same position before, aaaaand I start getting close to something when……………..In swoops cockblocker from hell. (she’s some chick I met at another time)

She rocks in there saying how silly I am for trying to get in when I’m staying at the same hostel as her. She’s now lazy eyed pissed and telling these outlandish stories about me. The chick I’m with turns to me and asks me if I know her. I turn around and say…”Noooope, just some crazy drunk. Never seen her in my entire life. Begone you little drunky”

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Luckily little drunky takes the hint and scampers off. Still, I’m in no better a situation, time to think fast…ummmmmmm….ding, times up. I pull the chick off to find a new place. Her cries of “where are we gooooing” are starting to wear me thin. “Wonderland adventure times” I reply and soon enough…back alley adventure times looks more promising. Yet, I mentioned that its pretty warm out right? Like a good minus five, soooo yeah dumpster rumpster isn’t gonna happen. I blank, no ideas of glory are running through my head. I’m literally lost in blackness. It was only a matter of time before…”I’m cooold, and tired. I’m just gonna go” Can’t argue with that logic. I just dismiss her with a gentle makeout and slight boob grab…yeah me…NAAAAT.

I decide it would probably be best to walk the rest of the way home with no pants on…you know, get the whole feel of what blue balls is really like. I guess it couldn’t be any worse….then it starts to rain…hey atleast I can use my pants as a covering of some sort 😛

Next up…9 hour black outs, more turrential rain…and wait…whats this…another german hottie…hmmm

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Melbourne At its Finest

Posted in The land down under with tags , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

From arriving to a place in the middle of no where called *shiver* Avalon airport, the real shiver of bitter coldness death awaiting in the heart of Melbourne to some un-real debauchary…my Melbourne experience was something of true genius.

This tale of one man began in the midst of nothing. A place some call Avalon airport and to myself I call…the death trap of Hitlers Anus. To explain why, let me just say I thought I was flying into Melbourne…not 64km away. Therefore an hour later I arrived in the “real” city. Just to note…this 64km away will have a play, at a later stage(for all you fore shadowers out there)

Anyway, Melbourne is a great city. It’s all about getting lost in the cities bowels. You have these small lanes sprayed all through the city, unique suburbs with amazing food and the stadium that they play the Australian open. Geez what more could you ask for. Oh and ya…Melbourne has some of Australia’s best nightlife…that is…if you can find it.

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Still every night you can find something fun to do. Weather it be watching a live show or listening to live music, there’s something for everyone’s fancy.

One of the coolest things I saw in the city was this weeee little lane called…ACDC lane. Yes…named after the true demons of rock and an Australian icon. This majestical band has its very own teensy weensy street. This place is spectacular with cool graffitti, tons of up-comming gig posters and a strong smell of urine. Oh wait, that last one was a con…so…uh…just go ahead and press erase in your brain.

………………………

alright…we good?

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Sweet, from then on I dodged the Swine flu by wearing an oversized Mexican hat and sneezing on everyone I came neer. Actually, it went more like this.

I found an enormous Mexican hat off the street…it read TACO BILL on the front. Took a smell to make sure there was no sent of urine, then shrugged my shoulders, slapped that puppy on my dome and commenced what was to be a night of true idiocracy.

First stop…TOOOOOOOO THE BARRRRRRRRRRR *read like leading a charging army*

From here on out there’s a few black patches, but I remember meeting tons of Canadians in a bar. Getting numerous free drinks because of my hat…oh…talking hockey…hell yes and then making it back to the hostel where I began drafting people in on our pub crawl.

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The draft included this. Me, my friend Mr. Tea, another friend, her friends and on the way down, I picked up two hot German chicks to come along. (Yeah no idea how that happened)

This is when the night takes a turn for the worst. At this time, I’m still rocking the Mexican hat with a burrito type authority. The bar has some of those “bitchy” type chicks. Everyone knows what I’m talking about so just fucking nod your head. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…then babe, sorry to break it to you, but you’re one of those “BITCHY” types. N if this is a guy that doesn’t know…then fuck man…take off your fucking head set. Turn off your stupid World of Warcraft. Get out of your moms fucking basement and talk to some real people you slimy little gollum role playing…uh…yeah…ran out of descriptives….(I just looked to my left…n..there’s a guy growling right next to me…)

Righto, back to the story.

These Major B’s or MB’s for short(that’s the bitches new name) start harrassing me to wear my hat. Of course, if I find out you are part of the Major B club, then NO you will not wear my hat. These MB’s are not pleased, especially since I’m not grovelling at their feet and thus am distracted by a much more attractive blonde German girl.

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Evenutally they attempt hat swipe numero un(number one just incase you didn’t speak french) they failed. Ha HA. I begin to dance on the empty dancefloor and enjoy myself emensely. I begin talking to cute brunette German girl(realize she very boring). MB’s attempt hat swipe numero deux(still french) This time they succeed and run off with the hat cackling like hiddeous witches of the middle ages.

Hmmm, no hat. That must mean…DRUNKEN ADVENTURE TIME(like the booming movie voice guy)

Don’t remember how, but I end up in an appartment building complex. Well, now the only rational thing to do is…. TAKE THE EVLEVATOR TO THE ELEVENTH FLOOR…So yes…that’s what I do.

You may be wondering what, is on the eleventh floor. Well my joyful friends…sorry to dissapoint…but not much. Just sheets, and cleaning equipment and…SCOOBY DOOOOOOOO.

That’s right, I found one of those huge scooby doo dolls that you can win at the fair. So I grab that, bring it down to the bar and decide we should do sexy time with the German girls and scooby doo.

Soon afterwards, the sexy time with scooby doo doesn’t work…oh shit…guess what just popped into my head? No not your mom…a name for a porno. Check it…Sexy Times with Scooby Doo…hahaha think of the possibilities.

Basically, the rest of the night is somewhat of a blur, except almost getting into a huge brawl…buuuut as you all should know…I’m a lover…not a fighter 😉

Next morning…I wake up…cuddling scooby doo…wtf

hahaha…atleast I got some…right…riiiiight…anyone…*looking around…crickets sound*…damn

Snap back to reality.

There was this really unique girl that I met at a camp back home in Canada, numerous months back. I found out she lived near Melbourne, was cute…and blonde…so the only logical answer…I just needed to visit her. So I packed up all my things…including the scooby doo doll and made my way to the airport.

Now on the way to the train station I had to walk down central city Melbourne…hahaha…you should have seen all the crazy looks I was getting rocking down to the station, carying a scooby doo. I was just blowing peoples realities left and right…and was loving it. Surprisingly I was getting eye fucked by hotties too…that saying…more than usual…hmm…it’s a mystery that this flambouyantness actually works.*

Buuut with all great power comes great responsibility…in regular peoples terms, I had tons of little pukes running up to me trying to pet scooby. Unfortunately for them, the doll had tons of penises drawn on him…sooo ya, I kept rolling scooby on his back so none of the kids or the mommies would see.

See, I’m not a terrible person. Think what would have happened if I let them hold it. Here kids take a look at scooby…and all his penises…yeaaaaaah. Now go ask mommy how you play hide the sausage…that’s just fucking wrong. You people are sick.

Eventually I arrive in the small city of Geelong, meet up with this unique blonde girl and commence the next few days of down to earthness.

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She was giving me the Great Ocean road experience, so, as I mentioned prior, being the great guy that I am I thought it would be more then accomadating if I gave her my Great Cocking…er…I mean COOKING experience. Hahaha…I just love how you can put great infront of anything and it just makes it sound waaay better. Think of it, the “GREAT OCEAN ROAD” you’re thinking something spectacualr eh? or even the GREAT EVENING OF SENSUAL AWARENESS…woah…that’s intense.

Anyway, the Great Ocean Road or GOR is definitely something else. You’re driving right close to the oceans edge, get to view small towns, inlets of beaches and more candy for the eyes that you could ever imagine. It’s something I would do numerous times a year if I lived over that way. Driving a convertable down the swoops and bends of the road, letting the wind lightly and smoothly slap you in the face. Feeling the salty breeze at your lips like a morning after eating out a ho….horse radish sandwich.

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Yeeeeeeeah

During the drive not only did I get to see some of the worlds best surf, but I saw my first Kuala. YESSSSSSSSS…I’ve been in Oz for 5 months and hadn’t seen a kuala up until then. Three of them actually, all chilling out in the tree’s. It was awesome, but I didn’t want to get to close because the rumour is…*in a whisper*they have Chlamidia. Don’t believe me…google that shit up.

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Ya all in all, I loved the GOR. Most people would spend hundreds of dollars maskerading around the towns and see half the shit I did. Oh also the 12 apposchles…or…actually nine, were pretty sick as well. (the reason there’s only nine is most of them are getting destroyed) Other highlights…fighting off all the Japanese tourists and getting to spend some time with that cute little blondie.

Even with how much fun I had and all that she did for me, there was something unusual that seemed to happen from time to time. Almost made me feel like I could be infringing…buut I don’t take this kind of shit to seriously, so you check it out and see what you think…

*after passing tons of surfers*
Her: Awww if I wasn’t driving you today I could be surfing
Me: *huh*

Her: I could’ve got two hundred dollars this weekend if I worked, but that’s ok, I’m just going to drive you down the great ocean road
Me: yeeeeah

Her: Oh looks like were going to be home pretty late, guess I’m not going to see (some friend) today. I haven’t seen her since I’ve gotten back.
Me: *looking out the window*

Now with vibes like that…yours truly couldn’t get much of a read on this girl. Stillllllll, it was great spending time with her. Seeing the great ocean road was an enormous opportunity, especially from someone who knows the area and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. I owe it all to her and thank her greatly.

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On returning to the city of Melbourne I needed to get my shit going…so again I met up with friend through travels and had a kick ass time rocking out in Chapel Street. Here were some great clubs and hot women everywhere. The last club we visited was one of the few places in Oz where I saw more chicks then guys…aw yeah.

With drinks 2 for 1 and a good size dancefloor, it didn’t take long for me to bust out some SERIOUS dance moves. Unfortunately no body knew what the Melbourne Shuffle was. Either that, or I was doing such a terrible rendition that they just wanted nothing to do with me…I’ll take the latter.

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Soon enough, my time in Melbourne drew to a close. It was the night before I had to leave and taking it easy when…beep…beep…beep. (that’s a text message) I pick up my phone and realize…oh…my flight tomorrow is cancelled. Hmmm. The best part about it was…it was MIDNIGHT. Good fucking thing I wasn’t in bed, or even that I could recieve texts.

Luckily travelling has taught me not to get too bent out of shape when things don’t go your way, therefore I calmly called them back…waited on the phone for an hour and a half, then re-scheduled it until 7pm the next day…easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Since I had so much time during the day, I was able make it to the bus station to catch the bus two hours before my flight was due to leave.(just like I asked when I arrived) Funny thing…the bus had already left…five minutes before. And here is why I now hate Avalon.

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Because it’s so far out in the middle of hell, there’s only one bus that makes the trip every hour or so, where as to the “main” airport one leaves every 10 min. A taxi ride costs $100 and the train…well it doesn’t go all the way there.

Nice life Avalon

I decide it would be best to take the train as close as possible and then grab a taxi from there. Still, I’m not too stressed. I’ve got plenty of time and…oh shit…the trains delayed. I look at my watch…yup slowly ticking away.

It was a race against the clock. The train speeding to the small station, finding out I don’t have a number for a taxi, luckily getting a number to a taxi. Waiting at the train station for the taxi to arrive, getting a taxi driver that doesn’t know where to go. Finally finding the right direction, to where I finally arrive aaaaaaaaaaaand…*Attention all Jetstar JQwhateverthefuck passengers…your flight has been delayed 45 minutes…thanks for your co-operation*

Yup looks like I won’t be meeting my friends when I thought.

And that everyone…was Melbourne.

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Again I’d like to thank all those who helped make my stay in Melbourne just that much more enjoyable. You all know who you are, buuuut it just makes it that much cooler seeing your name in the internet. So thanks Mike, Eben, Nick, Jamie aaaand Adele. Oh and Jill, yeah…not much to say there 😛

Now my gallant friends…off to the land of hobits, rings, enormous moutains and…I’m beached as bru

The Sydney Connundrum a Wrap

Posted in The land down under with tags , , , , , on May 3, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Well shit me…why is the internet so slow in Australia? It’s fucked cus…well for one its a “Westernized” country and two…well…fucking get with it. Anyway, I’ve now found some fast internet and I’m pluggin this shit away faster than aids taking over your amune system.

So lets begin…

Whenever you’re about to leave one place it always happens where you try and cram as much fucking stuff into that week as humanly possible…this week was no different. I had first passed the weekend by attending a free music concert thing a ma jig called Surrey Hills Festival. Anytime somethings free in this age of coperate America bullshit its soooooo much better. This was the same. Tons of music…great food and numerous hotties running around that my attention could bounce from one thing to the next and keep me entertained for hours. I was happy.

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I also ate this fucking delicious meal of Jamaican chicken called…wait for it…JERK chicken. Hahaha perfect, just my type of chicken. Now everyone knows that Bacon and Eggs are fucking delicious…but shazam…this started raping my tastebuds like something out of a skandonavian porn. To keep this short…the festival was pretty kickass and well worth the amount we paid…which was NOTHING…YESSSSSSS.

Finally, I met up with a guy I traveled Koh Tao and Koh Phangan with. He was off living in Manly and thought it would be good stuff to catch up. And yes it was…that was until we finished off a bottle of cheap Vodka. Now as I mentioned in the last post…I’m pretty confident in my drinking abilities…unfortunately…I guess I wasn’t what I thought I was. Boy oh Boy, the rush of drunkiness hit me like a fat chick giving you a hug…SLAPWHAMPAH. I was playing pool and all of a sudden I couldn’t see straight…hmm…time to go put water in my face.

I pass out in the bathroom…in walks the bouncer…

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B: Oi…what’re you doing?
Me:*startled and wakes up* Ahem…uh…I was just…uh…doing my hair*look in the mirror and starts patting hair*
B: *looking at me like he doesn’t believe me*
Me: Oooops gotta go grab my pizza…bye bye

I walk out of the bathroom, the bouncer follows and watches as I fall around the place like a kid just learning to walk…looks like I’m gyaaane.
So he kicks me out, but fuck that shit I’m not leaving from this party, so I sneak back in through another way and re-commence the party with my buddy. Bout twenty minutes later, bouncer see’s me, I stupidly wave at him…and once again, I’m out on the street, this time for good.

Ahhh shit. Now I have to take the ferry back to the city and catch a train home. I don’t remember the ferry ride, but I do remember waiting for the train and a weird feeling started coming over me. I haven’t felt this feeling for like…two years…oh shit…here it comes….BRLARGHHHHHHAGHAGHAG. A jet stream of puke shoots out of my mouth faster than (actually I’m not gonna go there) Luckily it’s off to the side of the train track’s so no one notices…except one lady. Who’s staring at me with a look of discust mixed with horror. I look at her…smile and say…”ya just burped”.Then walk away like nothing happened. WIN BOBBY VANILLA

Now it’s time to get serious on the sightseeing. Me and this cutie that I met a couple days before decided it was a perfect day to explore the mythical land called THE BLUE MOUNTAINS. Unfortunately the mountains aren’t literally blue, but it leaves alot for the imagination.

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This vast land of eppic proportions is very astounding. It’s basically Australia’s version of the Grand Canyon except with hords of trees, eerily flowing fog and these three mountain tips called…the three sisters. Why they called it that I have no fucking clue, cus I would’ve named it something awesome like…The three Rock Gods from Testosterone land, or…FUCK YOU THREE TIMES or because we must think of the kids…three times the charm. Anyway it’s named that for whatever reason and its actually pretty fucking sweet.

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Breathtaking views blanket the panoramic sky as birds and small monkeys enjoy the curtain of trees below your very feet. Magical in all aspects, a deffinite must on any trip. Just DON’T TAKE THE TOURS. Take the train, costs bout $17 and you can walk everywhere very easily. Don’t be duped by the MAN.

Lastly I wrapped up Sydney with a BANG. Partying with a crew of ladykillers, watching a friend flip out and punch the door of a cab as it drove by and even bending over a cutie inside a McDonalds. Still, the last night when I pulled a 29 year old Russian, who was also an English Proffessor at some big ass University in Holland…well ya that pretty much takes the cake. Especially since I needed to wake up early to catch my flight to Melbourne…mmm, I love no sleep.

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Finally, I just want to thank all those of you who showed me around and gave me such a great time in Sydney. You know who you are…so I don’t need to mention you…unless of course you want me to…which I know you do. So Rosemary, Joelle, Jamie, Vampire Girl and anyone else I forgot. Thanks and Keep on rocking in the Corperate America World