Melbourne At its Finest

From arriving to a place in the middle of no where called *shiver* Avalon airport, the real shiver of bitter coldness death awaiting in the heart of Melbourne to some un-real debauchary…my Melbourne experience was something of true genius.

This tale of one man began in the midst of nothing. A place some call Avalon airport and to myself I call…the death trap of Hitlers Anus. To explain why, let me just say I thought I was flying into Melbourne…not 64km away. Therefore an hour later I arrived in the “real” city. Just to note…this 64km away will have a play, at a later stage(for all you fore shadowers out there)

Anyway, Melbourne is a great city. It’s all about getting lost in the cities bowels. You have these small lanes sprayed all through the city, unique suburbs with amazing food and the stadium that they play the Australian open. Geez what more could you ask for. Oh and ya…Melbourne has some of Australia’s best nightlife…that is…if you can find it.


Still every night you can find something fun to do. Weather it be watching a live show or listening to live music, there’s something for everyone’s fancy.

One of the coolest things I saw in the city was this weeee little lane called…ACDC lane. Yes…named after the true demons of rock and an Australian icon. This majestical band has its very own teensy weensy street. This place is spectacular with cool graffitti, tons of up-comming gig posters and a strong smell of urine. Oh wait, that last one was a con…so…uh…just go ahead and press erase in your brain.


alright…we good?


Sweet, from then on I dodged the Swine flu by wearing an oversized Mexican hat and sneezing on everyone I came neer. Actually, it went more like this.

I found an enormous Mexican hat off the street…it read TACO BILL on the front. Took a smell to make sure there was no sent of urine, then shrugged my shoulders, slapped that puppy on my dome and commenced what was to be a night of true idiocracy.

First stop…TOOOOOOOO THE BARRRRRRRRRRR *read like leading a charging army*

From here on out there’s a few black patches, but I remember meeting tons of Canadians in a bar. Getting numerous free drinks because of my hat…oh…talking hockey…hell yes and then making it back to the hostel where I began drafting people in on our pub crawl.


The draft included this. Me, my friend Mr. Tea, another friend, her friends and on the way down, I picked up two hot German chicks to come along. (Yeah no idea how that happened)

This is when the night takes a turn for the worst. At this time, I’m still rocking the Mexican hat with a burrito type authority. The bar has some of those “bitchy” type chicks. Everyone knows what I’m talking about so just fucking nod your head. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…then babe, sorry to break it to you, but you’re one of those “BITCHY” types. N if this is a guy that doesn’t know…then fuck man…take off your fucking head set. Turn off your stupid World of Warcraft. Get out of your moms fucking basement and talk to some real people you slimy little gollum role playing…uh…yeah…ran out of descriptives….(I just looked to my left…n..there’s a guy growling right next to me…)

Righto, back to the story.

These Major B’s or MB’s for short(that’s the bitches new name) start harrassing me to wear my hat. Of course, if I find out you are part of the Major B club, then NO you will not wear my hat. These MB’s are not pleased, especially since I’m not grovelling at their feet and thus am distracted by a much more attractive blonde German girl.


Evenutally they attempt hat swipe numero un(number one just incase you didn’t speak french) they failed. Ha HA. I begin to dance on the empty dancefloor and enjoy myself emensely. I begin talking to cute brunette German girl(realize she very boring). MB’s attempt hat swipe numero deux(still french) This time they succeed and run off with the hat cackling like hiddeous witches of the middle ages.

Hmmm, no hat. That must mean…DRUNKEN ADVENTURE TIME(like the booming movie voice guy)

Don’t remember how, but I end up in an appartment building complex. Well, now the only rational thing to do is…. TAKE THE EVLEVATOR TO THE ELEVENTH FLOOR…So yes…that’s what I do.

You may be wondering what, is on the eleventh floor. Well my joyful friends…sorry to dissapoint…but not much. Just sheets, and cleaning equipment and…SCOOBY DOOOOOOOO.

That’s right, I found one of those huge scooby doo dolls that you can win at the fair. So I grab that, bring it down to the bar and decide we should do sexy time with the German girls and scooby doo.

Soon afterwards, the sexy time with scooby doo doesn’t work…oh shit…guess what just popped into my head? No not your mom…a name for a porno. Check it…Sexy Times with Scooby Doo…hahaha think of the possibilities.

Basically, the rest of the night is somewhat of a blur, except almost getting into a huge brawl…buuuut as you all should know…I’m a lover…not a fighter πŸ˜‰

Next morning…I wake up…cuddling scooby doo…wtf

hahaha…atleast I got some…right…riiiiight…anyone…*looking around…crickets sound*…damn

Snap back to reality.

There was this really unique girl that I met at a camp back home in Canada, numerous months back. I found out she lived near Melbourne, was cute…and blonde…so the only logical answer…I just needed to visit her. So I packed up all my things…including the scooby doo doll and made my way to the airport.

Now on the way to the train station I had to walk down central city Melbourne…hahaha…you should have seen all the crazy looks I was getting rocking down to the station, carying a scooby doo. I was just blowing peoples realities left and right…and was loving it. Surprisingly I was getting eye fucked by hotties too…that saying…more than usual…hmm…it’s a mystery that this flambouyantness actually works.*

Buuut with all great power comes great responsibility…in regular peoples terms, I had tons of little pukes running up to me trying to pet scooby. Unfortunately for them, the doll had tons of penises drawn on him…sooo ya, I kept rolling scooby on his back so none of the kids or the mommies would see.

See, I’m not a terrible person. Think what would have happened if I let them hold it. Here kids take a look at scooby…and all his penises…yeaaaaaah. Now go ask mommy how you play hide the sausage…that’s just fucking wrong. You people are sick.

Eventually I arrive in the small city of Geelong, meet up with this unique blonde girl and commence the next few days of down to earthness.


She was giving me the Great Ocean road experience, so, as I mentioned prior, being the great guy that I am I thought it would be more then accomadating if I gave her my Great Cocking…er…I mean COOKING experience. Hahaha…I just love how you can put great infront of anything and it just makes it sound waaay better. Think of it, the “GREAT OCEAN ROAD” you’re thinking something spectacualr eh? or even the GREAT EVENING OF SENSUAL AWARENESS…woah…that’s intense.

Anyway, the Great Ocean Road or GOR is definitely something else. You’re driving right close to the oceans edge, get to view small towns, inlets of beaches and more candy for the eyes that you could ever imagine. It’s something I would do numerous times a year if I lived over that way. Driving a convertable down the swoops and bends of the road, letting the wind lightly and smoothly slap you in the face. Feeling the salty breeze at your lips like a morning after eating out a ho….horse radish sandwich.



During the drive not only did I get to see some of the worlds best surf, but I saw my first Kuala. YESSSSSSSSS…I’ve been in Oz for 5 months and hadn’t seen a kuala up until then. Three of them actually, all chilling out in the tree’s. It was awesome, but I didn’t want to get to close because the rumour is…*in a whisper*they have Chlamidia. Don’t believe me…google that shit up.


Ya all in all, I loved the GOR. Most people would spend hundreds of dollars maskerading around the towns and see half the shit I did. Oh also the 12 apposchles…or…actually nine, were pretty sick as well. (the reason there’s only nine is most of them are getting destroyed) Other highlights…fighting off all the Japanese tourists and getting to spend some time with that cute little blondie.

Even with how much fun I had and all that she did for me, there was something unusual that seemed to happen from time to time. Almost made me feel like I could be infringing…buut I don’t take this kind of shit to seriously, so you check it out and see what you think…

*after passing tons of surfers*
Her: Awww if I wasn’t driving you today I could be surfing
Me: *huh*

Her: I could’ve got two hundred dollars this weekend if I worked, but that’s ok, I’m just going to drive you down the great ocean road
Me: yeeeeah

Her: Oh looks like were going to be home pretty late, guess I’m not going to see (some friend) today. I haven’t seen her since I’ve gotten back.
Me: *looking out the window*

Now with vibes like that…yours truly couldn’t get much of a read on this girl. Stillllllll, it was great spending time with her. Seeing the great ocean road was an enormous opportunity, especially from someone who knows the area and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. I owe it all to her and thank her greatly.


On returning to the city of Melbourne I needed to get my shit going…so again I met up with friend through travels and had a kick ass time rocking out in Chapel Street. Here were some great clubs and hot women everywhere. The last club we visited was one of the few places in Oz where I saw more chicks then guys…aw yeah.

With drinks 2 for 1 and a good size dancefloor, it didn’t take long for me to bust out some SERIOUS dance moves. Unfortunately no body knew what the Melbourne Shuffle was. Either that, or I was doing such a terrible rendition that they just wanted nothing to do with me…I’ll take the latter.


Soon enough, my time in Melbourne drew to a close. It was the night before I had to leave and taking it easy when…beep…beep…beep. (that’s a text message) I pick up my phone and realize…oh…my flight tomorrow is cancelled. Hmmm. The best part about it was…it was MIDNIGHT. Good fucking thing I wasn’t in bed, or even that I could recieve texts.

Luckily travelling has taught me not to get too bent out of shape when things don’t go your way, therefore I calmly called them back…waited on the phone for an hour and a half, then re-scheduled it until 7pm the next day…easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Since I had so much time during the day, I was able make it to the bus station to catch the bus two hours before my flight was due to leave.(just like I asked when I arrived) Funny thing…the bus had already left…five minutes before. And here is why I now hate Avalon.


Because it’s so far out in the middle of hell, there’s only one bus that makes the trip every hour or so, where as to the “main” airport one leaves every 10 min. A taxi ride costs $100 and the train…well it doesn’t go all the way there.

Nice life Avalon

I decide it would be best to take the train as close as possible and then grab a taxi from there. Still, I’m not too stressed. I’ve got plenty of time and…oh shit…the trains delayed. I look at my watch…yup slowly ticking away.

It was a race against the clock. The train speeding to the small station, finding out I don’t have a number for a taxi, luckily getting a number to a taxi. Waiting at the train station for the taxi to arrive, getting a taxi driver that doesn’t know where to go. Finally finding the right direction, to where I finally arrive aaaaaaaaaaaand…*Attention all Jetstar JQwhateverthefuck passengers…your flight has been delayed 45 minutes…thanks for your co-operation*

Yup looks like I won’t be meeting my friends when I thought.

And that everyone…was Melbourne.


Again I’d like to thank all those who helped make my stay in Melbourne just that much more enjoyable. You all know who you are, buuuut it just makes it that much cooler seeing your name in the internet. So thanks Mike, Eben, Nick, Jamie aaaand Adele. Oh and Jill, yeah…not much to say there πŸ˜›

Now my gallant friends…off to the land of hobits, rings, enormous moutains and…I’m beached as bru


3 Responses to “Melbourne At its Finest”

  1. markt17 Says:

    Nice. I found melbourne pretty friendly – which do you reckon has been the friendliest so far?

    • bobbyvanilla Says:

      yeah melbourne was really friendly. Even though I had a blasty blast in brissy, I’d say Melby was by far the most up to help ya

  2. Mike Awesome Says:

    Adventure! keep it up man.

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