Archive for June, 2009

Los Angeles…the good years

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 30, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

*Note: Pictures kinda did a little shits and giggles on me…soooo finally, I think I’ve solved the problem…video expected late july*

My my oh fucking my. The trips done. I can’t believe it. 10 months…splooosh, gone just like dropping a quick shit. Yes I’m now back to the old ground and pound, but I’m making money sooo…here I am just like all the rest of the world. Damn…*silently staring up into the sky as hymful music plays in the background* It’s been a good fucking run though. I’ve said this probably a hundred times.

THIS IS THE BEST DECISION I’VE EVER MADE WITH MY LIFE

You wanna hear that again? Well shit, just re-read it. Dang, do I have to do everything for ya? Anyway, here’s having a blasty blast with my buddy Grandpa Beard and seeing Disneyland for the second time in my life’s history.

May 31st was officially the longest day of my entire life. I left Fiji at 10pm (which is night for you army folk)on the 31st and arrived in LA at 1 in the afty on the 31st. *The Delorian swoops to a stop, the door gallantly swing open and Doc Brown sticks his head out*

Hey Marty…er…bobby…we’re heading back in time…hop in

back-to-the-future

So yeah it was basically like going back in time…crazy shit. Good thing was…I wasn’t really tired. I kinda slept a little on the shoulder of the small asian women next to me, so I was ready to go.

As I’m exiting the airport, this tanned skin hottie catches my eye. She’s pretty small, wearing big sunglasses, has a boyish hair cut, but damn…still hot. Then I realize something…I recognize her. It’s a weird feeling, so I begin to jog my memory of who it might be. I’m going through lists of faces until I realize something…wait…she’s got these massive bouncers beside her aaaand tons of paparazzi waiting….oh shit…its the chick that got the shit beat out of her by chris brown…now what’s her name?

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As I’m chatting with my buddy Grandpa beard to come pick me up I pose him the same question…who’s the chick that got beat up by chris brown. He returns the answer…Rhianna…oooo right. As I walk away…a group of female activists glare me down. Hey…don’t give a guy herpies then…(no I do not condone beating girls…I think its down right terrible and no class, but its just a joke…so laugh)

Catching up with Grandpa beard was awesome. Haven’t seen the guy since scuba diving in Thailand and so it was gonna be a siiiick party…and it was.

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First off, he was kind enough to show me around the area that he lives. Beautiful beach area called Huntington Beach(suburb of LA) tons of babes running, bladeing and walking around. Great sand, good surf and I even witnessed some douche steal a dudes bike. (the guy ended up chasing the douche down and causing a scene)

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After a quick few games of street fighter two it was off to this tiny little mexican place to have a mean burrito and hopefully not get the squeezy shits later. We pounded some beers, chatted with the bar keep and other locals then made our way down the main drag to find a good place to drink, dance and mess with broads.

Finally being 21 I was able to check out the American night life…but after being all over the globe the place we end up is…wait for it…an Irish pub. Ahhh, you really can’t go anywhere without finding these beauties lying around.

We commenced downing yager bombs, beers and chatting of good times. I was transfixed with a screen behind me and a chick attempted to stick a straw in my perplexed and gaping mouth. Ding ding…chatting time. She looked pretty cute…but when she finally moved away from the table that was dividing us…uh…Grandpa beard…you wanna take this one. Turns out he didn’t.

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Soon enough the music starts calling to me. My feet start to tap to the beat, my shoulders start to bounce and then…full on convulsions start taking over my body. The dance of nightmares begins. Turns out, I start cutting some mean moves, and with the lack of a dancefloor, people start having to traverse around me. It didn’t take long for a small audience to form watching if I’m going to bust out the running man, the JT slide or better yet, the invisible hat twirl. At the end of the number I stop to sip at my goldeny substance called beer. Three chicks rock up to where I’m standing and drop this bomb.

the dance and stare

the dance and stare

Chicks: We LOVE YOU…you’re an awesome dancer
Me: *choke on my beer*
Me: *looking around to see if someone is playing a prank
Chicks: *looking into my eyes with doggy dinner bowl face*

I recover and smile. BIIIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUG. Pull them all in and then realize…I don’t know where to go from here. One, I don’t want to dance, two, they are all hot so I don’t know which one to pick and three…I have this beer with is still calling my name.

Arggggggh I hate conundrums.

I end up dancing with the one that keeps grabbing my hand(most logical choice) spin her a few times then prefer my beer to her. Go over to Grandpa beard who is now cherishing in the night with a chick who he had already told me about….great story, made me laugh, but that’s a story for…well…another time.

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I decide to go back to the brunette with the nice ass…she starts doing the dirty with me, you know, basically I’m the stripping pole. I pull her away and start chatting, vibing this shit up the gun…tell her how we’ll probably never see each other again, and all that noise, but theeeeen I fuck up.

Her: Yeah I guess we won’t see each other ever again 😦
Me: Well, we definitely could instill this moment so we could remember it
Her: Oh yeah…how
Me: (Now just to note…I should have just gone out for the makeout here, buuuut I don’t know what came over me)
Let’s kiss
Her: Uh…great to meet you (and leaves)

Buuuuuuwarargggggh

After traveling the majority of the parts of the world, finding my way around by means of local transport and what not, I found LA to have one very disturbing fact. PUBLIC TRANSPORT SUCKS and HAAAAARD. I wanted to get down to Hollywood, bask in the glory of the stars, but after spending a good hour or so on the internet to find the route, realize it would take me over 6 hours to get there and back thus leaving a window of about 2 hours to see stuff…I declined. FUCK YOU LA TRANSPORT

Buuut, all was not a loss. I got to go to…

DISNEYLAND….YIPEEEEE.

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I hadn’t been to D-Land since I was about 10 or 12, so a few things changed, but I still knew which rides were the best. The toughest thing tho…was meeting up with this stunning Austrian chick who I had previously met in Sydney 😉

Since majority of the chicks I’ve met are pretty sucky when it comes to directions and what not, I made these as simple as possible, buuut it still didn’t help…an hour and a bit later, she finally figured out what I had meant when I said the “BIG GOLDEN STAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAIN ENTRANCE”

Anywho…we met up which was the main part, and D-Land was about to commence. First ride up…Indiana Jones bitches…oh…wait…what’s this? Closed…no fuck that…this cannot be. I was sooo pissed, luckily the guy told us that it should be up and running in the aft. Sooo away we went to find other rides to occupy us with.

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Ride after ride, thrill after thrill, line after fucking line. It was a blasty blast of blastations. (sorry no other way to describe it) Not only did I have a joyeous time re-living my childhood through the rides, I got to spend it with this awesome chick. Finally…as all things must it drew to an end. 11pm at night. Yes that’s right folks, I closed down D-Land. (Oh and yes we finally were able to ride go on the Indiana Jones ride…fucking love it…best ride there)

Now…as I mentioned prior…LA has the shittiest public transport ever. Aaaand I had to pre-plan on how to get to Disneyland and back again, however my train only ran until 9pm. Sooo to say the least. I missed it. Also my little Austrian cutie missed her bus as well…hmmm…how convenient.

So I use my professional traveling barter skills to get us a good deal on a cab, but wait…she’s now saying that she doesn’t want to come and crash at my buddies kick ass apartment. *bulging eyes* waaaaaaat. She would rather go back to a 15 person dorm than come to an apartment that is housing an original Street Fighter 2 arcade game…sheeesh, weird, unfortunate, unlucky, just the wrong moment, you name it and it was running through my head. Anyway, I had a great time at D-Land so I didn’t really care.

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After saying our goodbyes…which was pretty week for probably the last time I’ll ever see this chick I commence the walk of shame back to the apartment of lords, only to find when I arrived, that I didn’t have the right key to open the door. SHIT. As I’m banging on the door, one of my buddy’s neighbors comes by, takes one look at me and scurries into her apartment and nervously locks the door. Well hopefully she doesn’t call the cops.

More banging and still nothing. Finally, my brain kicks into action…I should call him. Buuut if he’s sooo fast asleep to not hear the banging then of course he didn’t hear the phone. With one last attempt, I begin chucking mounds of poop and dirt at his window. Luckily that wakes him up and I hear a zombie type moan.

I feel like a douche for waking him up, but shit, when you need to get in you need to get in. Once in I feel like an even bigger bag of douchiness supreme as he mentions that the key that opens the top lock unlocks the second one as well…hmmm…glad I saw that.

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LA rounded out my traveling parts of my entire trip. Being able to catch up with great friends such as Grandpa Beard and seeing that stunner of a brunette L it was a pretty good going out with the proverbial bang…now…one day in Sin City.

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Bitching Fiji

Posted in Uncategorized on June 17, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

In Auckland I met this Czech chick, who was sharing the same room. We got talking and for some reason, she was taking the exact same flight, to the exact same place…hmmm.

Well this is Fiji.

It was actually pretty sweet that I was able to meet up with this Czech chick in Fiji. For one, she had an authentic Fijian place to stay in a small village also a hook up for trip planning. Two nights free and me not having to plan anything…Rock on.

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Getting around Fiji, was one of the coolest things too. You could always do the touristy way, but fuck, who wants to do that shit? I’d rather be the only white person on the bus…so I took the local bus. Yes it was cramped, pretty hot, smelled like BO and SWASS, but fuck it…I’m in FIJI BULAH

(oh yeah the Fijian’s say BULAH all the time)

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So of course, since I’m traveling with this blonde Czech chick, who has some pretty massive finger balancers, I’m gonna try something right. Geeez, well it only seems right, especially since the chick asked me to travel along with her.

Thing was, once I started making advances and trying to swing the good ol convo towards that elusive topic of……………sex. Well…she wasn’t much of a talker. I tried a few other things, but nothing seemed to work. She just kept acting weird and not keeping any of the convo’s going…so I had enough and stopped.

Everyday that passed I started realizing this chick was quite a bore to talk to. Finally, when we are about to jet out to some of the islands I met some Germans. Two guys and two girls. Boooyah…new people to talk to, oh and that brunette chick…mmmmmmm hottie.

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So once this new group rolled up, I ditched the czech chick and partied with the Germans. And damn, this island was sweet. One of the highlights of my entire trip. Out in the middle of the ocean. 30 minute boat ride from the main land and takes only 15 minutes to walk around the entire thing. Golden sand beaches, enormous palm trees and right on a reef. What more could you want.

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Oh right…they didn’t have a bar…shiiiiiiiiiiit. BEEEEEER RUUUUUN.

Alright, after getting the beer, sitting around a fire and chatting with this stunner of a brunette, I was loving life.

The next thing that added to my uber amusement of this place was the diving. Fiji is one of the top ten places in the world to dive and I was going to enjoy the shit out of this place.

Like I’ve said before, diving is like taking pure heroin…oh…uh…actually I’ve never said that, but seriously…diving is like a really really really good drug.

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Aaaaaaanyway, after all that this island had to offer, it was only a matter of time until it was time to leave. Again, I didn’t get to partake in that very slick and sandy experience of good ol sex on the beach…but whatevs. I did notice one thing. Earlier there was always something that I found “strange” about the Czech chick. It wasn’t until I was around the Germans that it finally clicked. She’s a huge dork. Like nerd and shit. Weird…a nerdy chick who’s pretty good looking…who would have thought.

I didn’t realize it because it was always her and me, but shit once we were in the big group, I got to see all the dorky shit she did and awkward things she said. Interesting…but fuck it I wasn’t going to see this people ever again, so I made the most of it.

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Straight from the island I headed with the good ol public transport all the way back to Nadi. During this excrutiating 5 hour trip, I was dying of a crazy ass fever. I’m thinking I got a case of the swine flu, but asking around I found that Fiji was one of the few countries that didn’t have the flu’s development. Phew, thank god, I was thinking I would start oinking and shit, but luckily I didn’t.

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As for the country of Fiji. Awesome. One of my top ten places of visiting during my trip. Best part was the cheapness, the people and all the fucking islands. Oh and the diving high was sweet as well. Should you go, yes you should.

Now, direct from Fiji, to the land of golden opportunities…the L of A in the U S of A. My last leg of the trip…Stay tuned.

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Ending New Zealand with a…smell?

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , on June 7, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

So since this is like almost two weeks old when I’m FINALLY getting around to filling in my faithful readers on the last of New Zealand does that mean I’ve been procrastinating…even if for one week there was no internet connection? I’m curious. Mostly because I don’t know the specific definition of procrastinating, other than putting things off. Hmmmm, I wonder what wiki has to say on it:

“Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. [1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. For a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.[2]”

Uh…anyone get that? Yeah me neither…please Billy, no jibberish at the table tonight.

Righto, this is my last of the lucious land of New Zealand.

Now people had explained to me that a town I was to visit…kinda smelled. Well actually, the day I arrived, it wasn’t that bad. I was slightly disappointing. Still, with a name of Rotorua, you don’t raise the bar just yet. Luckily I was going to get my fair share of stink in the following couple of days.

She's gonna blooooow

She's gonna blooooow

Most people would have no idea what this town is all about, so here, being the kind and considerate guy that I am, I’ll fill ya in. This town is located directly on active Volcanic grounds. Geysers are popping up all over the place more than a teenagers acne. Hot pools and boiling sulfur waters are bound to be spotted just by walking a few minutes in any direction, but to see the good stuff. You need to drive…and pay.

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So taking the *shudder* dreaded tour, I rock up to a place covered with hot pools, bubbling shit ponds and lots of stinky ass gasses. *In hales deeply* Ahhhhhhhh fart smelling air. Aside from the smells, this place was very pictury.

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Tons of interestingly coloured pools blanketed the surrounding area, smoke rising all around and there was even an cavern that housed tiny trolls and people too ugly to live in the town…oh wait, that was…uh…nothing. Anyway, this place was extremely picturesque and something the likes which I had never seen…or smelled. Therefore, even though I do hate tours and think that they charge a hell of a lot for very little, this shin dig wasn’t too shabby.

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As for the town its self. Not much to do, but you can walk for hours on end, exploring all these smaller geysers that surround the town. Also there’s some interesting hiking trails and if you’re into horses, well you can ride those bitches too.

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My one interesting run in during my time in Rotorua was after I used the toilet. Ok its not starting out great, but just hear me out. So the hostel I was staying at was a pretty large dump. Cheapest one in the ol Rot, but cheap because it cut many corners. One of these was not putting soap in the toilet’s. Thing is, they kept dish soap in the kitchen…soooo after doing what you do in the toilet, I walked into the kitchen and used the dish soap to wash my hands.

As I’m doing this, some old guy who’s working away at his dinner says something to me. I don’t hear what he says, so I ask him to repeat. Again I don’t understand, so I look at him and give him the universal sign for What The Fuck are you saying. He speaks up this time and gives me this one.

Oldie: You just use the pisser?
Me: *slightly chuckling* Yup
Oldie: That’s fucking disgusting, people eat in here
Me: *silence*
Oldie: *continuing* Probably had ur hand all over your dick and now ur getting ur dick hands all over places where people eat, that’s what the fucking basins out side are for
Me: *calmly but sharply*Well when they put soap out there, let me know. *give him a nod of the head and walk away*
Oldie: *whispers under breath* Jackass

Ahhh the joys of people you get to meet along the way, specially when they’re some frustrated old coot who probably hasn’t been laid in awhile

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…buuut I digress. Let the pictures show how neat Rotorua and the surrounding area is, also for LOR nerds, the location they used to film Mordor…very close by.

Unfortunately, I know how much you guys wanted to smell what Rotorua was like, but for some reason, my computer doesn’t seem to want to take smell samples, soooo I’m going to have to ask you guys to use your imagination again *hears groans* HEY!…Imagination is an awesome tool when used appropriately…and when used…inappropriately…well…he he…that’s when the magic happens. Alright…imaginations ready…okay picture the smells of sulfur mixed with a burnt mexican chili buritoe from Taco Bell and the farts you get after eating one too many egg salad sandwiches. Yup that’d about win it right there.

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With my last few days in New Zealand, I made my way to the big city of Auckland. Weather was finally starting to sort its shit out and the vast array of hotties that graced my eyes were very promising. Being New Zealand’s largest city with a million and a half people, its layout is hassle free and getting around, peace of cake. Again, its only a million and a half people, so there’s a few crowds but nothing much.

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The best part of the stay in Auckland…the dorm room. 6 beds, 4 chicks, me and some Israeli dude. The low down on the chicks were as follows…three germans and one Chek chick, three blondes one brunette. Liking my odds. The one thing I hate though when ur travelling, is when you come across a say 3 or more people who are from the same country, but don’t ever bother speaking english. Their in this little clicky non english speaking group and I rock in, say something and they all kind of stare at me then continue talking in their language. Pfff, what is that shit. Anyway, if you don’t see where I’m going with this, that’s what exactly happened. I rock into the room, three of these beauty german chicks are chatting away I go “yo whad up guys”, they stop talking, look at me, I look at them…then they continue speaking German…RIGHTO.

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All in all, Auckland is a cool New Zealand city, but still a big city non the less. Kinda reminded me a little of Calgary and Brisbane, but with a chilly twist.

Now, time to get out of the cold and into the heat…FIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIIIIIII.

Power Outages and special numbers

Posted in Land of Hobbits on June 2, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

*NOTE: I’ve just come back to this after 3 weeks or what not, decided I couldn’t come up with anything else to add, so you get the raw, un-tiltered version of a 3 week old story. Nothing added, a few words changed, but all in all…its like all the rest… genital warts and all. (supposevely I’ve been getting add-ons that talk about genital warts…hahaha)*

Well shit me, I just checked up how many posts I’ve currently completed and the magical number that popped up on the screen was….wait for it *drum roll silently heard in the background* FIFTY…yeah(sarcastically) We need some streamers, and balloons aaaand…pfff. Yeah fuck that.

Still I do like balloons, especially when you rub your hands hard against the sides of them and make that shrill ear piercing screeching sound. Like a mix of torturing kittens and that screaming chick off all those lame horror movies.

Aaaaaanyway. I digress, here’s my tale…

Those of you who remember, I missed my first bus last week. If you don’t remember or you missed it, check this out (click here bitch) Soooo, when I showed up to sign in this second time, the bus driver had a nice chuckle at my expense.
Driver: Hey…weren’t you the guy who was supposed to show up yesterday?
Me: Uh…yeah…about that
Driver: Hahahaha what’d ya do to forget
Me: (with a look that the devil would squirm from)I was so shitfaced I couldn’t find my asshole
Driver:….oh…uh…big night out hey…(awkward laugh)…um…glad to have you aboard

With this gallant drive, it was off to enjoy some beautiful ice fields in a place called Franz Josef. Uuuuuunfortunately, there was no enjoying to be had. Unless you call superior cloud coverage and a bounty of plundering rain…beautiful.

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One positive was meeting a German brunette hottie…by the name of Sabrina. (Insert lame magic joke here) She was doing some type of bike trip around the south island, but the rain was somewhat slowing her progress. Basically I made fun of her bike, said something that I liked about Germany and then didn’t talk to her the rest of the trip.

For some strange reason…she found this mildly arousing. I found her nicely toned legs and ass…normally arousing 😉

The rain didn’t subside for the entire journey, or when we finally arrived at the destination. I spoke to the magical mistress a little here and there, but then found the second Lord of the Rings movie much more entertaining. Then…ZAP…CRACKLE…POP…no it wasn’t the rice crispy fuckers…that was my attempt at explaining a power outage. Yeah…everything went black.

Of course you’d think that in our current age of technology, it would take 20 maybe 30 minutes to get that shit back up and running…hahaha…fuck that…let’s try um….9 hours later.

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Funny thing was…it brought things back to the good ol days without that gosh darn electricity. I was able to get to know everyone in the hostel…which doesn’t usually happen and played all these worldly games that only people with nothing better to do would play. Here we were a group of…um…say 30ish all huddled around candles the fire place and cute german girls…oh wait…that was only if you had them…he he he.

The night progressed and people started filling out, while I continued to cherish the german girl into the night. Her muscular legs and firm ass definitely were a joy for the finger puppets whilst, she was also a cool chick to talk to. I decided that things needed to be amped up, so I pulled her away from the group into a more “seductive” location…ahhh yes…the bathroom. What’s more sensual and sexual than a dark bathroom being only lit by the glow of my cellphone? Can’t think of anything better could ya…what’s that? Candle lit jacuzzi?…hmmm…well, alright…you’ve got me there, but it was the best I could manage at the time okay…geeez, everyone’s a fucking critic.

Anyway…being such the AMAZING location it was no wonder that after some heavy petting it was the ol logical female brain kicking into action and not allowing this fit german girl to follow her emotions…or allow me to follow mine in a couple of times. And just like that, it was back to the rain covered skies.