Archive for the The land down under Category

Melbourne At its Finest

Posted in The land down under with tags , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

From arriving to a place in the middle of no where called *shiver* Avalon airport, the real shiver of bitter coldness death awaiting in the heart of Melbourne to some un-real debauchary…my Melbourne experience was something of true genius.

This tale of one man began in the midst of nothing. A place some call Avalon airport and to myself I call…the death trap of Hitlers Anus. To explain why, let me just say I thought I was flying into Melbourne…not 64km away. Therefore an hour later I arrived in the “real” city. Just to note…this 64km away will have a play, at a later stage(for all you fore shadowers out there)

Anyway, Melbourne is a great city. It’s all about getting lost in the cities bowels. You have these small lanes sprayed all through the city, unique suburbs with amazing food and the stadium that they play the Australian open. Geez what more could you ask for. Oh and ya…Melbourne has some of Australia’s best nightlife…that is…if you can find it.


Still every night you can find something fun to do. Weather it be watching a live show or listening to live music, there’s something for everyone’s fancy.

One of the coolest things I saw in the city was this weeee little lane called…ACDC lane. Yes…named after the true demons of rock and an Australian icon. This majestical band has its very own teensy weensy street. This place is spectacular with cool graffitti, tons of up-comming gig posters and a strong smell of urine. Oh wait, that last one was a con…so…uh…just go ahead and press erase in your brain.


alright…we good?


Sweet, from then on I dodged the Swine flu by wearing an oversized Mexican hat and sneezing on everyone I came neer. Actually, it went more like this.

I found an enormous Mexican hat off the street…it read TACO BILL on the front. Took a smell to make sure there was no sent of urine, then shrugged my shoulders, slapped that puppy on my dome and commenced what was to be a night of true idiocracy.

First stop…TOOOOOOOO THE BARRRRRRRRRRR *read like leading a charging army*

From here on out there’s a few black patches, but I remember meeting tons of Canadians in a bar. Getting numerous free drinks because of my hat…oh…talking hockey…hell yes and then making it back to the hostel where I began drafting people in on our pub crawl.


The draft included this. Me, my friend Mr. Tea, another friend, her friends and on the way down, I picked up two hot German chicks to come along. (Yeah no idea how that happened)

This is when the night takes a turn for the worst. At this time, I’m still rocking the Mexican hat with a burrito type authority. The bar has some of those “bitchy” type chicks. Everyone knows what I’m talking about so just fucking nod your head. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…then babe, sorry to break it to you, but you’re one of those “BITCHY” types. N if this is a guy that doesn’t know…then fuck man…take off your fucking head set. Turn off your stupid World of Warcraft. Get out of your moms fucking basement and talk to some real people you slimy little gollum role playing…uh…yeah…ran out of descriptives….(I just looked to my left…n..there’s a guy growling right next to me…)

Righto, back to the story.

These Major B’s or MB’s for short(that’s the bitches new name) start harrassing me to wear my hat. Of course, if I find out you are part of the Major B club, then NO you will not wear my hat. These MB’s are not pleased, especially since I’m not grovelling at their feet and thus am distracted by a much more attractive blonde German girl.


Evenutally they attempt hat swipe numero un(number one just incase you didn’t speak french) they failed. Ha HA. I begin to dance on the empty dancefloor and enjoy myself emensely. I begin talking to cute brunette German girl(realize she very boring). MB’s attempt hat swipe numero deux(still french) This time they succeed and run off with the hat cackling like hiddeous witches of the middle ages.

Hmmm, no hat. That must mean…DRUNKEN ADVENTURE TIME(like the booming movie voice guy)

Don’t remember how, but I end up in an appartment building complex. Well, now the only rational thing to do is…. TAKE THE EVLEVATOR TO THE ELEVENTH FLOOR…So yes…that’s what I do.

You may be wondering what, is on the eleventh floor. Well my joyful friends…sorry to dissapoint…but not much. Just sheets, and cleaning equipment and…SCOOBY DOOOOOOOO.

That’s right, I found one of those huge scooby doo dolls that you can win at the fair. So I grab that, bring it down to the bar and decide we should do sexy time with the German girls and scooby doo.

Soon afterwards, the sexy time with scooby doo doesn’t work…oh shit…guess what just popped into my head? No not your mom…a name for a porno. Check it…Sexy Times with Scooby Doo…hahaha think of the possibilities.

Basically, the rest of the night is somewhat of a blur, except almost getting into a huge brawl…buuuut as you all should know…I’m a lover…not a fighter 😉

Next morning…I wake up…cuddling scooby doo…wtf

hahaha…atleast I got some…right…riiiiight…anyone…*looking around…crickets sound*…damn

Snap back to reality.

There was this really unique girl that I met at a camp back home in Canada, numerous months back. I found out she lived near Melbourne, was cute…and blonde…so the only logical answer…I just needed to visit her. So I packed up all my things…including the scooby doo doll and made my way to the airport.

Now on the way to the train station I had to walk down central city Melbourne…hahaha…you should have seen all the crazy looks I was getting rocking down to the station, carying a scooby doo. I was just blowing peoples realities left and right…and was loving it. Surprisingly I was getting eye fucked by hotties too…that saying…more than usual…hmm…it’s a mystery that this flambouyantness actually works.*

Buuut with all great power comes great responsibility…in regular peoples terms, I had tons of little pukes running up to me trying to pet scooby. Unfortunately for them, the doll had tons of penises drawn on him…sooo ya, I kept rolling scooby on his back so none of the kids or the mommies would see.

See, I’m not a terrible person. Think what would have happened if I let them hold it. Here kids take a look at scooby…and all his penises…yeaaaaaah. Now go ask mommy how you play hide the sausage…that’s just fucking wrong. You people are sick.

Eventually I arrive in the small city of Geelong, meet up with this unique blonde girl and commence the next few days of down to earthness.


She was giving me the Great Ocean road experience, so, as I mentioned prior, being the great guy that I am I thought it would be more then accomadating if I gave her my Great Cocking…er…I mean COOKING experience. Hahaha…I just love how you can put great infront of anything and it just makes it sound waaay better. Think of it, the “GREAT OCEAN ROAD” you’re thinking something spectacualr eh? or even the GREAT EVENING OF SENSUAL AWARENESS…woah…that’s intense.

Anyway, the Great Ocean Road or GOR is definitely something else. You’re driving right close to the oceans edge, get to view small towns, inlets of beaches and more candy for the eyes that you could ever imagine. It’s something I would do numerous times a year if I lived over that way. Driving a convertable down the swoops and bends of the road, letting the wind lightly and smoothly slap you in the face. Feeling the salty breeze at your lips like a morning after eating out a ho….horse radish sandwich.



During the drive not only did I get to see some of the worlds best surf, but I saw my first Kuala. YESSSSSSSSS…I’ve been in Oz for 5 months and hadn’t seen a kuala up until then. Three of them actually, all chilling out in the tree’s. It was awesome, but I didn’t want to get to close because the rumour is…*in a whisper*they have Chlamidia. Don’t believe me…google that shit up.


Ya all in all, I loved the GOR. Most people would spend hundreds of dollars maskerading around the towns and see half the shit I did. Oh also the 12 apposchles…or…actually nine, were pretty sick as well. (the reason there’s only nine is most of them are getting destroyed) Other highlights…fighting off all the Japanese tourists and getting to spend some time with that cute little blondie.

Even with how much fun I had and all that she did for me, there was something unusual that seemed to happen from time to time. Almost made me feel like I could be infringing…buut I don’t take this kind of shit to seriously, so you check it out and see what you think…

*after passing tons of surfers*
Her: Awww if I wasn’t driving you today I could be surfing
Me: *huh*

Her: I could’ve got two hundred dollars this weekend if I worked, but that’s ok, I’m just going to drive you down the great ocean road
Me: yeeeeah

Her: Oh looks like were going to be home pretty late, guess I’m not going to see (some friend) today. I haven’t seen her since I’ve gotten back.
Me: *looking out the window*

Now with vibes like that…yours truly couldn’t get much of a read on this girl. Stillllllll, it was great spending time with her. Seeing the great ocean road was an enormous opportunity, especially from someone who knows the area and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. I owe it all to her and thank her greatly.


On returning to the city of Melbourne I needed to get my shit going…so again I met up with friend through travels and had a kick ass time rocking out in Chapel Street. Here were some great clubs and hot women everywhere. The last club we visited was one of the few places in Oz where I saw more chicks then guys…aw yeah.

With drinks 2 for 1 and a good size dancefloor, it didn’t take long for me to bust out some SERIOUS dance moves. Unfortunately no body knew what the Melbourne Shuffle was. Either that, or I was doing such a terrible rendition that they just wanted nothing to do with me…I’ll take the latter.


Soon enough, my time in Melbourne drew to a close. It was the night before I had to leave and taking it easy when…beep…beep…beep. (that’s a text message) I pick up my phone and realize…oh…my flight tomorrow is cancelled. Hmmm. The best part about it was…it was MIDNIGHT. Good fucking thing I wasn’t in bed, or even that I could recieve texts.

Luckily travelling has taught me not to get too bent out of shape when things don’t go your way, therefore I calmly called them back…waited on the phone for an hour and a half, then re-scheduled it until 7pm the next day…easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Since I had so much time during the day, I was able make it to the bus station to catch the bus two hours before my flight was due to leave.(just like I asked when I arrived) Funny thing…the bus had already left…five minutes before. And here is why I now hate Avalon.


Because it’s so far out in the middle of hell, there’s only one bus that makes the trip every hour or so, where as to the “main” airport one leaves every 10 min. A taxi ride costs $100 and the train…well it doesn’t go all the way there.

Nice life Avalon

I decide it would be best to take the train as close as possible and then grab a taxi from there. Still, I’m not too stressed. I’ve got plenty of time and…oh shit…the trains delayed. I look at my watch…yup slowly ticking away.

It was a race against the clock. The train speeding to the small station, finding out I don’t have a number for a taxi, luckily getting a number to a taxi. Waiting at the train station for the taxi to arrive, getting a taxi driver that doesn’t know where to go. Finally finding the right direction, to where I finally arrive aaaaaaaaaaaand…*Attention all Jetstar JQwhateverthefuck passengers…your flight has been delayed 45 minutes…thanks for your co-operation*

Yup looks like I won’t be meeting my friends when I thought.

And that everyone…was Melbourne.


Again I’d like to thank all those who helped make my stay in Melbourne just that much more enjoyable. You all know who you are, buuuut it just makes it that much cooler seeing your name in the internet. So thanks Mike, Eben, Nick, Jamie aaaand Adele. Oh and Jill, yeah…not much to say there 😛

Now my gallant friends…off to the land of hobits, rings, enormous moutains and…I’m beached as bru


The Sydney Connundrum a Wrap

Posted in The land down under with tags , , , , , on May 3, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Well shit me…why is the internet so slow in Australia? It’s fucked cus…well for one its a “Westernized” country and two…well…fucking get with it. Anyway, I’ve now found some fast internet and I’m pluggin this shit away faster than aids taking over your amune system.

So lets begin…

Whenever you’re about to leave one place it always happens where you try and cram as much fucking stuff into that week as humanly possible…this week was no different. I had first passed the weekend by attending a free music concert thing a ma jig called Surrey Hills Festival. Anytime somethings free in this age of coperate America bullshit its soooooo much better. This was the same. Tons of music…great food and numerous hotties running around that my attention could bounce from one thing to the next and keep me entertained for hours. I was happy.


I also ate this fucking delicious meal of Jamaican chicken called…wait for it…JERK chicken. Hahaha perfect, just my type of chicken. Now everyone knows that Bacon and Eggs are fucking delicious…but shazam…this started raping my tastebuds like something out of a skandonavian porn. To keep this short…the festival was pretty kickass and well worth the amount we paid…which was NOTHING…YESSSSSSS.

Finally, I met up with a guy I traveled Koh Tao and Koh Phangan with. He was off living in Manly and thought it would be good stuff to catch up. And yes it was…that was until we finished off a bottle of cheap Vodka. Now as I mentioned in the last post…I’m pretty confident in my drinking abilities…unfortunately…I guess I wasn’t what I thought I was. Boy oh Boy, the rush of drunkiness hit me like a fat chick giving you a hug…SLAPWHAMPAH. I was playing pool and all of a sudden I couldn’t see straight…hmm…time to go put water in my face.

I pass out in the bathroom…in walks the bouncer…


B: Oi…what’re you doing?
Me:*startled and wakes up* Ahem…uh…I was just…uh…doing my hair*look in the mirror and starts patting hair*
B: *looking at me like he doesn’t believe me*
Me: Oooops gotta go grab my pizza…bye bye

I walk out of the bathroom, the bouncer follows and watches as I fall around the place like a kid just learning to walk…looks like I’m gyaaane.
So he kicks me out, but fuck that shit I’m not leaving from this party, so I sneak back in through another way and re-commence the party with my buddy. Bout twenty minutes later, bouncer see’s me, I stupidly wave at him…and once again, I’m out on the street, this time for good.

Ahhh shit. Now I have to take the ferry back to the city and catch a train home. I don’t remember the ferry ride, but I do remember waiting for the train and a weird feeling started coming over me. I haven’t felt this feeling for like…two years…oh shit…here it comes….BRLARGHHHHHHAGHAGHAG. A jet stream of puke shoots out of my mouth faster than (actually I’m not gonna go there) Luckily it’s off to the side of the train track’s so no one notices…except one lady. Who’s staring at me with a look of discust mixed with horror. I look at her…smile and say…”ya just burped”.Then walk away like nothing happened. WIN BOBBY VANILLA

Now it’s time to get serious on the sightseeing. Me and this cutie that I met a couple days before decided it was a perfect day to explore the mythical land called THE BLUE MOUNTAINS. Unfortunately the mountains aren’t literally blue, but it leaves alot for the imagination.


This vast land of eppic proportions is very astounding. It’s basically Australia’s version of the Grand Canyon except with hords of trees, eerily flowing fog and these three mountain tips called…the three sisters. Why they called it that I have no fucking clue, cus I would’ve named it something awesome like…The three Rock Gods from Testosterone land, or…FUCK YOU THREE TIMES or because we must think of the kids…three times the charm. Anyway it’s named that for whatever reason and its actually pretty fucking sweet.


Breathtaking views blanket the panoramic sky as birds and small monkeys enjoy the curtain of trees below your very feet. Magical in all aspects, a deffinite must on any trip. Just DON’T TAKE THE TOURS. Take the train, costs bout $17 and you can walk everywhere very easily. Don’t be duped by the MAN.

Lastly I wrapped up Sydney with a BANG. Partying with a crew of ladykillers, watching a friend flip out and punch the door of a cab as it drove by and even bending over a cutie inside a McDonalds. Still, the last night when I pulled a 29 year old Russian, who was also an English Proffessor at some big ass University in Holland…well ya that pretty much takes the cake. Especially since I needed to wake up early to catch my flight to Melbourne…mmm, I love no sleep.


Finally, I just want to thank all those of you who showed me around and gave me such a great time in Sydney. You know who you are…so I don’t need to mention you…unless of course you want me to…which I know you do. So Rosemary, Joelle, Jamie, Vampire Girl and anyone else I forgot. Thanks and Keep on rocking in the Corperate America World

The Sydney Connundrum Part 2

Posted in The land down under on April 24, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

I rarely get hangovers any more now. Not sure if this is something to be concerned about or to be proud about. The one thing I do know is, when I get a hangover…its a fucking doozy.

Braaaahggggg…I have the worst shits right now its un-believable.

I remember hearing a funny story from a biology teacher once. He said, that in the Womb, when the fetus gets the rush of testosterone to change it from that weird flabby fleshy alien creature into a male, The Knack’s My Sherona is playing.

Hmmm…if that’s true and later in our history its proved that people are born gay rather than a choice…what’s playing for them? Purple rain by Prince?


If you read last weeks post then you would have noticed, it was alot more laxed.(if you missed it check it here) And you know what…it felt pretty good. Buuut like all good things, there’s always that little demon voice that wants it a little rougher a little harder and always crazy…oh…you guys don’t have that…he he he…ya…uh…neither do I. I mean…that…that was just an example.*looking around awkwardly*

Aaaaaaanyway bitches this week was a full bundle of randomness.


The sun was a blazing…the birds a chirping and I went a strolling across the enormous Sydney Bridge.

Yes its a big piece of steel that has hundreds upon thousands of vehicles traverse it everyday, but its also got an incandescent view of the Opera house and circular…ugh…quay.


I wasn’t done with some magnificent photo opportunities, as I returned during the wee hours, between 5:45 and 7pm to catch one of the magnifying pictures of the day…wait for it…waaaait for it…THE SUN SET…….damn…I was hoping it’d be a little more thrilling then that.

Still this is a picturesque view as the sun sets right between the opera house, the enormous bridge and the city and blah blah blah…la dee da we have a picture. Alright, are you as bored as I am having to read that shit as I am at writing it. Sheeesh you’d think the history teacher decided to teach lessons again.


*Cracks neck from side to side…stretches arms out in front and takes in a breath*

Hey Ho let’s Go

After pushing back plans for some time I was finally able to meet up with a good friend of mine, Rosemary for dinner. Food, chat’s and drinks later we ended up making our way with another group to a Karaoke bar…or actually room.

Here we batted away hords of squabbling asians, a few crack heads and Abraham Lincoln…until we finally got a booth.(it seems just that much more exciting instead of me writing waiting…don’t you think?)


Once inside this creepishly dark room with a bunch of strangers I decided to pick my first song of the evening.

Hmmm should I go with a classical love ballad, maybe some Disney…oh wait…how bout Some sugarhill gang…oh…they don’t have it.

Alrighty then…Bad Touch it is.

Unfortunately I didn’t realize I was on the verge of loosing my voice, coming down with a cold and not in signing mode…soooo ya imagine a bunch of stray cats getting run over by a squeeky breaks car and an opera singing type lady screaming a high pitched NOOOOOOO. Ya that plus Darth Vader and you’ve got me.

To say the least…they cut my next song short.


Therefore Rosemary and I bailed from this NO FUN ZONE and decided not to pay either. Yessss free sing songs.

And this my friends, was just the beginning of a grandescent week of debauchery.

The following day I met this British guy at the hostel and we decided to try and win $100 at a quiz night. After getting our pre-goon drink on we headed out, joined a group of cute brunette chicks and slowly but surely end up loosing the game. With the drinks a flowing there wasn’t much answering going on, buuut I did manage to get the Zoolander question…ahhh yeah.


After losing the quiz and me yelling at the winners calling them cheaters, we made friends with this huge guy from New Zealand. This bohemith enjoyed our company and decided to repay us by buying 4 Jaeger Bombs each. Aaaand soon there after, the party started escalating out of control.

I decided that I hadn’t danced in awhile so I ended up going on the complete empty dancefloor and put on my rendition of Thriller meets the Melbourne Shuffle. The results…DANCEFLOOR WASN’T EMPTY MUCH LONGER


Soon boredness set in and we headed off in search of epicness. Now just to point out, normally I’m the one that gets belligerent and starts causing problems, however the british guy was out doing me at every turn.

I’d throw a glass…he’d throw two…I’d skip in line…he’d push people out of line. I’d steal a handful of straws…he tipped over the container holding everything. Ya you get the idea.

Still the best was when he came up to me and said, “We should double team that chick” talking about a girl that I had met earlier.

I thought…hmmm…never double teamed a chick…why the fuck not start tonight. Only thing…this chick had no idea.

Started off same ol same ol. Me chatting with the chick…moving things forward and trying to get a feel with how this will work out. I had the chick laughing and what not, therefore I decided to leave her with the british guy as I took a piss…bad idea.

I get back and see the chick storming towards me. Sweet I think to myself…he might have got this to work. Then she gets closer…oh shit…I’ve seen that look before. I drastically look from side to side to try and find a way out…shit…trapped.


Girl: What the fuck you sicko…that’s disgusting
Me: Uh…what?
Girl: You’re “friend” over there told me what you wanted…yeah…not happening
Me:(trying to come up with something clever)
Girl: *storming off*

I look across the club…see the british guy giving me the thumbs up. I shake my head and decide I’ve had enough for one night.

Astonishingly enough…the british guy hasn’t had enough.

On our way back to the hostel he attempts to persuade a hooker to have sex. Realizing he doesn’t have enough money…he yells after me asking if I can lend him some…or if I want to partake.

[no pic available…too grotesque]

Since I am a good guy at heart…I drag his sorry ass away from the manly looking hooker and into McDonalds for some well deserved drunkenness food.

mmm BIG MAC(no that wasn’t the name of the hooker even though I think it would’ve been fitting)

Next week…Free concerts, hopefully golf aaaaand whatever happens…happens.

The Sydney Connundrum Part 1

Posted in The land down under on April 17, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

I groan as I realize I haven’t got any sleep, begin to rub my eyes as they burn from the damn sunlight shining in the windows. I look outside, buildings begin to pass on by, more buildings, cars and people. Finally, the bus swerves over a hill and there blanketed against the horizon is the Sydney Harbour.


Red eyed, tired, and slightly dazed. I step off the bus, take one look around, grab my bag and commence on yet another journey. Astonishingly I feel…comfortably numb.

A relaxing week of mostly nothingness has thus resulted in me not finishing up this blog post due to…um…you know the feeling how you get fucking tired even though you haven’t done anything all day…ya…that.

Still I can’t complain, not having to rush off and do basically anything, does have its benefits Basically I can lay on the grass, on the beach maybe yell at some birds…ya the usual.

Yet, it makes life a little more exciting and adventurous if you do more than nothing. Therefore, I met up with some friends, went on a few strolls, visited nipple beach(world famous Bondi) and even rode a ferry or two.


Now let me just point this out. Sydney is a fucking big city. Maybe not in overall people size, but its spread outness size. Since the city is so exuberant in its space you’d think there would be a very intricate transport system reaching every area of the map in a timely fashion. (suppressed laughter) Yah…well…atleast they have a system right.

Still I was able to take in the Sydney Harbour and the Opera house with relative ease.


Oh shit…I need to go on a rant…there’s one place that kills me every time I hear it. It’s called circular quay. Now just let that sink in for a second. If you want, say it again, let it go on spin cycle through your brain. Alright, for those of you that speak Australian, then you know what it means and you can just…well…shut up, everyone else…you ready for a shock. Ok…its pronounced Circular KEY not QUAY…KEY…*shakes head*ya talk about the wrong place at the wrong time(editor comes over and whispers in my ear) Oh I guess that quote doesn’t work there.

Anyway, aside from names and prostitutes yelling at me asking if I think I’m better than them, the city is pretty fucking cool. You have numerous beaches, breathtaking views and always something to do.


Still a sandwich isn’t a sandwich without the magical taste of Miracle Whip and Bobby Vanilla isn’t Bobby Vanilla without falling in love…yet again. (it’s kinda like a passing faze, you know, like the flu or something.)

This time, it was this cute little Austrian with eyes that could cut to your soul, a smile that causes hundreds of shooting stars to blanket the sky all at once and a smooth tantalizing body that wars are fought over.

Ahem…sorry I blacked out what just happened…

Anyway aside from that shock to my soul there was many adventures to be had this week.

One shocking run in was when I came across a riot in downtown Sydney. Walking along trying to catch a bus I realize tons of police dressed in Riot gear. As I drew closer it was to my amazement that there were hundreds of Islamic people waving red flags and yelling derka derka muhamid ali and muhammad jihad and what not…*head in hands* sorry I know.


Anyway I waited around for a good fifteen minutes hoping there would be a full on 300esque battle, but alas, I was dejected and nothing happened.

My other totally unintentional run in was walking down the street by a huge movie theater and hearing all these screaming girls. After first thinking it was some hardcore orgy I realized it was a different scream of pleasure. It was the pre-screening of Fast and Furious. They had a full on red carpet, lights, cameras and stars…fucking attention whores I thought to myself as I pushed through a group of little kids.


Still the highlight of the week. EASTER.

Ahhh the joy of candy, chocolate and um…sugary crack. How can you not go ape shit about Easter?

After finally figuring out what day Easter was, the wheels were put in motion to organize an elaborate easter picnic. The results…an afternoon of easterific proportions.


The sun was shining the food was delicious and the chocolate…well shit if you don’t like chocolate take your hand, place your palm infront of your face and begin slamming it into your nose. I even got a Kinder Surprise…boy how can you not love Austrian girls.

Finally, Easter was wrapped up with an enormous drinking game. Yay pass out drunk.

Next week…being belligerent…walking…more girls aaaaaand….understanding the utter belief of the human psyque…well that last one can wait a little while longer.

Coffs is Drowning

Posted in The land down under with tags , , on April 5, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Everyone’s probably heard this little rhyme diggly…”It’s raining it’s pouring the old man is snoring. He bumped his head on his bed and he won’t wake up in the morning”

Right…you’ve all heard that before…well then answer me this. Who the fuck is the old man?

Coffs Harbour. People have asked me, why the fuck are you going there? Well, I’m not really sure, but I heard there were awesome beaches and great surf. Mostly a bonus in anyones books.

As for all the awesomeness…uh…ya. Didn’t happen. The only awesomeness I received was…RAIN…FLOODS…and…MORE RAIN.

Funnily enough, I was able to make it down to the harbour…once, but after that one time, it was completely and utterly impassable.

isn't it beautiful

isn't it beautiful

After it was raining for a good three hours, it finally stopped. I thought, great, I’ll be able to make it over to McDonalds, use their free wireless internet and be able to give all the gracious bobby vanilla fans their weekly shot of my life.

So I began treking through the damp and wet town of Coffs to the only McDonalds. Unfortunately, the rain gods were only teasing me, because once I was too far away from anything, the heaven’s opened and unleashed a fury of little droplets that attacked every inch of my body.


In real terms that means…I got fucking drenched.

Finally, I squeezed myself into McDonalds, got out of the horrific rain storm from hell and plopped myself into a booth.

hmmm…now I need to find myself a plug in. I look around and realize they are all taken up by a european style outlet plug in thingy. Allllright. I go over and ask if I can plug into one of the plug ins. They look at me and start talking to eachother in French basically calling me a douchebag idiot.

Well….yes I am, but stilll…Fuck you. Guess they didn’t know I spoke French, but they sure found out when I started walking away and turned back. I dropped this beauty.

(in french) “No wonder, you’re some of the most hated in the world”

Side note: I think they took that personally as when they left they all flipped me off. Woooo scary.*waving hands around acting scared*

Anyway, turns out…free wifi doesn’t work. Great, just my fucking luck. Therefore I decide it’d be best to go watch a fucking movie.

I jet across the hellish stormy rain into the theater, get there just in time to watch Duplicity and feel pretty good.

Best part. They stop the movie and this lady waltzes in and says. “Um, ya so our entire parking lot is flooded and your cars might all be in water. If you can…we suggest you move them”


People rush out…I begin to laugh. Hahahaha that’s why you walk…bitches.

After the movie that’s just what I did. Pissing down like the morning after a huuge drinking bingefest, I begin rocking out to the music on my Ipod.

Finally I arrive back at the hostel, thinking I’m going to be nice and safe from all this rain…boy was I wrong.

It just kept coming down….drop after drop after drop. For three hours we gained 450 mm of rain. Here’s the breakdown.


Playing cards in the kitchen I watched as the pool outside overflowed.

The water rose to the edge of the doors.

The water starting to spill into the kitchen

The staff placed blankets and other shit to stop the water spilling in.

The water started spilling in sooo fast that it pushed away the measly blankets.


The water is getting up to my feet.

The water is now past my ankles…brrr…its fucking cold.

Quickly the entire first floor was flooded with water.

The water was up to three quarters of your leg. People’s flip flops were floating down the hallway and I was offering free topless swimming lessons down the hallway….Unfortunately no takers.


I just loved the people freaking out, losing their minds saying things like, “I did not see this happing”, “How could I’ve known this” “why did I come here”, blah blah, fuckity blah.

Well guess what, Ya I saw this happening, I knew it was gonna be like this, and that’s why I came. Geeez…just shut the fuck up and enjoy it. (Oh I guess it also helped that I was on the second floor)

Still how could you not just laugh at this entire experience. It was priceless. I’ve never actually been in a flood so I loved it.

Well, I also ate my last happy cookie and that made the night all that much better 😀

Unfortunately, after the flooding all but dried, it did smell quite…fishy Also, everyone, but six moved away therefore, not too much to do, but drink and watch movies.

And that my friends…is Coffs Harbour…through my beautiful experience. You know, I somewhat wish it was sunny, but fuck, how many people can say they were in a hostel in Coffs Harbour where it flooded?


Ya well I guess a few people can put up their hands.

Say Hey Byron Bay

Posted in The land down under on April 1, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

What is there not to say about Byron Bay. From the squeaky plush sand stretching all around this fantastic lush most Easterly point of Australia, to the great surf with waves towering the size of Yao Ming. This is one stop to never miss, on any journey.


Buuut, just like anything beautiful that I venture into, there is always “something” that goes wrong.



After a chilled out day of full on relaxation at the beach, an attempted suntan and a great chat with two cute Colorado girls, it was now time for douchebaggery and debauchery.

yes hat

yes hat

Therefore I drank down a sixer and shared half a “goon*” with another hostel mate and rolled the dice to see what would happen. These are the wonderfully wrong results…

  • by the way…goon is basically nasty ass boxed wine, without any grapes…but its cheap and gets you drunk* 😀

It was passed midnight and a group of us roll up to this lame nightclub in Byron. We get a free drink so whatever.

I end up becoming an obnoxious asshole and push my way to the front of a bar “supposedly” calling a chick a stupid slut in the process. She pushes me. I look at her…scoff and push her back…she then whaps me in the face. All the hostel friends think this is funny…I get high fived and am now thinking that was a good idea.WRONG


I grab this little hottie brunette…immediately she grinds up on me, slut style hard…I’m enjoying this…I decide to no longer fuck around…I bend her over say “Fatality” and slap her ass. REAL

She walks off not liking any of that…I commence dancing like nothing happened. Whilst reveling in raves of laughter and high fives REAL

We all end up taking off to another bar ala Cheeky Monkeys where I begin to chat up ever single girl in my vicinity. Real…buuut Try Hard

One group of girls, that I’m chatting with start getting a little rough. I’m not sure if they are joking or serious…I’m gonna go with joking.

One chick gets pretty mad.

Now I could’ve just stopped right there and moved onto something else…buuut I wanted to keep it real.

Soooo…This chick goes ape shit crazy and starts swinging at me…whilst I’m still laughing and spinning her around…she misses three punches then…WHAM…connects right into my mouth. Fuck. I let go and am about to keep it even more realer by seeing if my PIMP hand is still strong, buuut I think better and decide to stop.

Some Swedish guys, who had seen the whole ordeal go down, think I’m awesome. They buy me a beer…Ahh yes…still keeping it real baby…I definitely built this city.


I get bored of dancing on the tables and head back to the hostel. Here I begin drinking more goon whilst eating a shepherds pie.


Now I begin joking around with the group that’s gathered around the picnic tables. The usual jokes start flying around, like: “Thats what she said” and “Your Mom”

One guy starts getting bugged more than the rest, I think its because he’s a ginger. Anyway I start going off saying all these mom jokes and the guy gets “offended”

Whatever, fuck him if he can’t take a joke. Still, I stop and decide it’d be best if I go to bed.

Except this part is still about keeping it real, so when ginger boy comes waltzing into the room and says the blanket I have looks really gay, I retort saying his mom looks really gay.


He tells me to fuck off, I say his mom needs to fuck me off first.

He then tells me to stop with the mom jokes…or else.

Of course…what do you think I’m gong to do? Am I honestly going to stop? What do you think this guys going to do? I’m on a fucking role…there’s no way fire face mcgee is gonna get me too stop.

  • In taunting voice*”oooo loookit me I’m a ginger and stop it…you baddy or…or…or else.”

pffff…yeah right

So of course I come back with a mom comment. Aaaaaaaaaaand this guy fly’s off the handle bars.

He grabs my leg, with a crazed look that only someone who is the spawn of satin could muster. Then with the other hand ferociously grabs the bunk bed and yanks.

Now me, along with the entire bunk bed test the force of gravity as this all begins slamming to the ground.

Best part. I was pretty much 8 feet up, on the top bunk.

I quickly see the floor rushing inline with my face and somehow in my crazed drunk mode, I army style barrel roll away from the fallen debree. Then I attempt to stand, and realize…my ankles fucked.

Shit, it’s starting to swell…Yup great. Way to keep it real.

Now, I’m still buzzed so I don’t feel as much of the pain and decide to wobble up to where this red haired fuck is and confront him.

Unfortunately, the red eared monster is generating a frenzy, against mom jokes. Great, now I’ve got a mob on my hands and this stupid freckle face is not gonna fix the bed.

I decide to leave the posse of pussies and crash on the couches in the TV room.

Waking up the next day…my ankle is bigger than a new born babies head. Ugggh real was a baaaaaaaad choice.

Even though I had the bad mis adventure, I was given a strand of golden light. I was put into a dorm room…as the only guy.


And one of the chicks in the room was the same as one that eye fucked the shit out of me on the beach.



Ahem…sorry bout that, got a little out of hand, back to the story.

I end up slipping in her…the idea of going to the lighthouse(even though my ankles fucked) and she agrees to come along.

An awesome idea as it gave us some one on one time, buuut I’m a pitiful mess. I was like a hobbling deer who just wants to be shot in the head and put out of its misery.


Still my verbal skills were not hindered by the ankle and I was able to gain some momentum.

Oh, right and the view from the lighthouse was gorgeous.
The best part…I spotted some dolphins….and a small shark.

Yes bonus points me

The next few days of hobbling were kind of funny. I watched people who watched me. I pictured in my mind these people thinking I’m some kind of hardcore, but in reality…I wasn’t


This led me to making my ankle a real winner at the bars. Most know how chicks dig scars…well I’ve got a new one. Chicks dig surfing accidents.

Yup *puffs out chest* This bad boy here. *points to self*(think Ron Burgundy voice mixed with the movie voice over guy) Well, I don’t want to scare you or anything, but damn, the waves were a crushing monster which absolutely ate me up. Then out of nowhere came this crusher of a wave which decided to pile drive me right in the sand, thus spraining my ankles, buuuut, they don’t call me bobby vanilla for nothing, *breaths in* you know…I still managed to finish destroying a monsooniwatchamicallit tubular wave of gregarious preportions…so no big deal.

Girl: Glazed over eyes…panties become wetter than niegra falls

Ahhh yes…what you do when you’re bored.

Since I’m normally a cave dwelling cool colour of pale, getting my brown on was a definite high priority. However, I’m not much of a browner, or a goldeny for that matter. I’m more a shade of pink with a nice redish glaze.


Yup you guessed it. I fucking burned…AGAIN. It’s just something that I can’t seem to hide from…and guess what? I was wearing Stupid Pussy Fuck 30+

Oh well, can’t win em all, but you can get rid of the pain. Wanna know how?

Well of course you do, otherwise you would’ve stopped reading about ten minutes ago.

Anyway, best remedy(without having to put on that stinky ass aloe vera shit)is a trip to the town of NIMBIN.


Now this place is a little tiny ass shit hole town in the middle of no where. “Why would you want to go there then” You may ask. Well to get marijuana. Since its in the middle of no where, people grow this magical plant by the butt loads. Also they make cakes, cookies, brownies and whatever you wanna make with that herb.

So I booked a tour to this little town, bought some cookies and a cake. Ate half a cookie, then half the cake and waited for the magic to set in.

Actually getting the stuff was a lot harder then I originally expected. For starters, there was a drug bust that day, so all these freaks were more tweaked out then usual. I kept asking around…aaaand people kept shouting at me to leave them alone.


(hmmm maybe I was asking the wrong people)


Eventually, I got it, ate it and then waited…and waited…and waited. Dammit, again I got shit stuff that’s not gonna work. I hate this. So I ingested juuust a little more.

Finally, it was like all in one motion…WHOOOOOOOOOOSH…it hit me. Riiight when I was about to go on a jungle walk.

With my whole body tingling and my thoughts running around my head like the killer off scary movie chasing the losers around the house…I was FUCKED.

I was thinking about so much stupid shit to say or do, that I literally told myself to shut up and I didn’t say anything for a good two hours…you get that…TWO HOURS…I didn’t talk.

WTF? how did you not talk?

Well, whenever I did talk it was something completely jibberish or dumb that no one could understand. So I got paranoid into not talking.

Also, I got in my mind that everyone else was completely sober and thought I was just a bumbling idiot…which I was.

Then it was the walk of death. We climbed up to a waterfall.


Boy, definitely not a good idea when ur high. All these rocks, branches and vines, and here I am at the top thinking…….I just want to sit down.

As I attempt to navigate through the mess of spinning rocks and foot supports, I’m being coached down by some sober motherfucker, who decided it would be best if he helped me out. Normally I’d be all for it, however I was pretty inebreated, therefore I found it highly distracting.

Luckily I wasn’t in a shouting mood, so I kindly told him to fuck off and mind his own business. Then…I made it down the hill…now…how to get back up.

Eventually we pasted a park full of kids. By far the funniest thing all day. All these little people swinging, running, jumping and laughing. Looking back, not really sure why it was so funny.

God I’d love to see a recording of that day.

Aaaaand that’s Byron Bay. My adventures, mis adventures and when keeping it real goes wrong.

Now its raining, and I’m off on my merry way. Next up. drowning in Coffs Harbour.

Blondes…Blondes and more Blondes

Posted in The land down under with tags , , on March 21, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Shake rattle and roll bitches…from Brisbane upwards and onwards. Time for some sun, ocean breeze and whatever else the Paradise of Surfers may offer.

But hold on a second there little laddy…what’s this I hear? St. Paddy’s Day? A wednesday night pub crawl and blonde hair dye…hmmm…a very interesting combination.

Yes…Surfers Paradise…the Gold Coast…a Whales Vagina…all bring a wholesome ring to ones ears. But it wasn’t just my ears that were ringing after a glorific three days in this interesting place.

I’ve heard numerous mixed reviews on Surfers…and yes you can find points of each…I’m again…stuck in the middle with you. (God I gotta stop coming up with these lame 70’s references…or was it 80’s????)


Surfers is a unique place. It’s got these huuuuuge skyrise appartments blanketed across the back of the beach, yet it has this kind of small town feel. Buuuut, and yes there’s always a but…this place is very “plastic”. It’s got all the high end shopping, numerous malls and enough platinum hair to make an albino blacksheep blush.

My days were mostly bombarded by chilling on the gorgeous goldeny crisp beaches and wrestling enormous waves with as much grace as a retarded three armed amputee.

Aside from the baking during the day…this place is still all about the nights. And what nights they were.


When you visit nightclubs with the names like…Sin City, Cocktails and Dreams, The Drink, Melbas…actually, Melbas doesn’t sound all that bad. And with more Barbies running around then at a Malibu Mansion playset…it makes it that muuuuuuuch sweeter.

Oh and to add to this raunchfest supreme…it was St. Paddy’s day. The day of GLORIFIED DRUNKINESS.(It needs to be capitalized, just because everyone seems to be yelling on that day)

Personally, I thought Paddy’s day was on the weekend…buuut nope, its actually the 17th of March. *Grabs pint of Guiness* Here’s to getting a free hat…Yipeeee *Everyone Cheers*



Anyway…for all the alcoholics out there, Paddy’s Day started when they woke up, most were shit faced at 10 in the morning. Since I’m NOT trying to become one of those…I decided it would be best if I joined these boisterous crowds around 6.

Boy did I have a lot of catching up to do.

Shitty part was, I decide to wear shorts and sandals. My feet were stomped and crushed more times than Martha Stewarts pussy in jail.(Wait, wasn’t she in house arrest….ewwwwy)

Not only were my feet pulsating from the pain, my legs were soaked and I had numerous beer stains on my shirt.

Yes…full on authentic Irish partying. People falling down…yelling random words and pissing in the hallway…well…I assume that’s authentic Irish.

Best part…people kept buying me free drinks because they thought I was Irish…hmmm…maybe being mistaken as Irish isn’t half that bad.


After enough Irish beer to get a free hat, and probably cook 10 loafs of bread…or atleast drop that many in the toilette…I scurried off to another venue.

Here I was hassled constantly by security as they didn’t care for my Irish Guiness hat.

Pffff…Agent Smith…thinking ur tooo cool for school…well…I’ve got a news flash for you…you…areeeen’t

Yes, I did oblige, but right as those beef eaters turned their backs…it was once again in its rightful place on my head. Hahaha…sticking it in the man…ooops…errr…to the man.

St. Paddy’s…a success.

Starting to feel a cold coming on, but fuck it, I’m 7 days straight partying and I need to keep it going.

I sign up for a pub crawl and even though this shit is usually top notch, its pretty much a dude fest. We rock up to this place called cocktails and Dreams, which should’ve been re-named COCKS and Dreams because of all the sweedish meatballs that were bouncing around.


Still, I was here to meet dumb ADD turbo girls…with deluxe platinum hair and enough glitter to make Tinker Bell jealous.

It looks good when ur chatting away with these chicks…buuut damn. The convo’s are sooo painful. I just had to write some of what I remembered down.

(After chatting about “stuff”)
Her: Are you Irish or something?
Me: Ya…you should buy me a drink
Her: How did you get here?
Me: I took the plane from (name places)
Her: I like airplanes
Me: *Stunned look*
Her: airplanes bring people from place to place
Me: Yeeeeeah, here’s a place *points to crotch*

Eventually as with all pub crawls I was able to leave those problems behind…NEXT


Here we all had a group picture, and this one chick kept on holding onto me for them…so as my brain does…it started clicking(yeah, its a problem I’m looking into) and for the last picture, picked this chick up.

I thought this would give me huuuge points as being the “dominant” type dude. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this chick was wearing a very short skirt, and thus…her ass was flashed for all to see. Yup, now who’s Mr. Popular?

Still I was able to somewhat reconcile the situation by saying I covered her face 😛 Unfortuantely, I soon found out she wasn’t a brunette and was actually a Blonde.



Finally…my night ended with meeting a gourgeous stunner of a beauty.

A perfectly sculpted body from the glorified Greek hands of Zeus himself. This angel was the perfect shade of glistening golden brown, with lazer blue eyes that would melt the ice caps of Avalon with just one glance.

Her swaying lightly brown hair would have LARPer’s* around the world bowing to this princess of the forest woodland creatures creating the epic battle between beauty and geeky.

*LARP(Live Action Role Playing…check this shit out)

Aside from that, she was into hockey, was a bartender and could actually hold a conversation…Ding Ding…We’ve got a winner.

Her lips were moist, soft and delicately plump. Her tongue light and smooth as we both slowly moved our mouths together for what is called…a kiss.

Euphoria rushed through my veins as I broke away from this artful display, lightly biting on her lower lip as if it was a twinky.

We longfully gazed at eachother. Blue staring into Blue….and as all things must. It ended.

I whisked this Purtian, back out to the greater being. Once again to be ogled at the hands of man kind.

ogling hands

ogling hands

Join us next time for Say Hey Byron Bay…or…when keeping it real goes wrong!