Archive for New Zealand

Ending New Zealand with a…smell?

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , on June 7, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

So since this is like almost two weeks old when I’m FINALLY getting around to filling in my faithful readers on the last of New Zealand does that mean I’ve been procrastinating…even if for one week there was no internet connection? I’m curious. Mostly because I don’t know the specific definition of procrastinating, other than putting things off. Hmmmm, I wonder what wiki has to say on it:

“Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. [1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. For a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.[2]”

Uh…anyone get that? Yeah me neither…please Billy, no jibberish at the table tonight.

Righto, this is my last of the lucious land of New Zealand.

Now people had explained to me that a town I was to visit…kinda smelled. Well actually, the day I arrived, it wasn’t that bad. I was slightly disappointing. Still, with a name of Rotorua, you don’t raise the bar just yet. Luckily I was going to get my fair share of stink in the following couple of days.

She's gonna blooooow

She's gonna blooooow

Most people would have no idea what this town is all about, so here, being the kind and considerate guy that I am, I’ll fill ya in. This town is located directly on active Volcanic grounds. Geysers are popping up all over the place more than a teenagers acne. Hot pools and boiling sulfur waters are bound to be spotted just by walking a few minutes in any direction, but to see the good stuff. You need to drive…and pay.


So taking the *shudder* dreaded tour, I rock up to a place covered with hot pools, bubbling shit ponds and lots of stinky ass gasses. *In hales deeply* Ahhhhhhhh fart smelling air. Aside from the smells, this place was very pictury.


Tons of interestingly coloured pools blanketed the surrounding area, smoke rising all around and there was even an cavern that housed tiny trolls and people too ugly to live in the town…oh wait, that was…uh…nothing. Anyway, this place was extremely picturesque and something the likes which I had never seen…or smelled. Therefore, even though I do hate tours and think that they charge a hell of a lot for very little, this shin dig wasn’t too shabby.


As for the town its self. Not much to do, but you can walk for hours on end, exploring all these smaller geysers that surround the town. Also there’s some interesting hiking trails and if you’re into horses, well you can ride those bitches too.


My one interesting run in during my time in Rotorua was after I used the toilet. Ok its not starting out great, but just hear me out. So the hostel I was staying at was a pretty large dump. Cheapest one in the ol Rot, but cheap because it cut many corners. One of these was not putting soap in the toilet’s. Thing is, they kept dish soap in the kitchen…soooo after doing what you do in the toilet, I walked into the kitchen and used the dish soap to wash my hands.

As I’m doing this, some old guy who’s working away at his dinner says something to me. I don’t hear what he says, so I ask him to repeat. Again I don’t understand, so I look at him and give him the universal sign for What The Fuck are you saying. He speaks up this time and gives me this one.

Oldie: You just use the pisser?
Me: *slightly chuckling* Yup
Oldie: That’s fucking disgusting, people eat in here
Me: *silence*
Oldie: *continuing* Probably had ur hand all over your dick and now ur getting ur dick hands all over places where people eat, that’s what the fucking basins out side are for
Me: *calmly but sharply*Well when they put soap out there, let me know. *give him a nod of the head and walk away*
Oldie: *whispers under breath* Jackass

Ahhh the joys of people you get to meet along the way, specially when they’re some frustrated old coot who probably hasn’t been laid in awhile


…buuut I digress. Let the pictures show how neat Rotorua and the surrounding area is, also for LOR nerds, the location they used to film Mordor…very close by.

Unfortunately, I know how much you guys wanted to smell what Rotorua was like, but for some reason, my computer doesn’t seem to want to take smell samples, soooo I’m going to have to ask you guys to use your imagination again *hears groans* HEY!…Imagination is an awesome tool when used appropriately…and when used…inappropriately…well…he he…that’s when the magic happens. Alright…imaginations ready…okay picture the smells of sulfur mixed with a burnt mexican chili buritoe from Taco Bell and the farts you get after eating one too many egg salad sandwiches. Yup that’d about win it right there.


With my last few days in New Zealand, I made my way to the big city of Auckland. Weather was finally starting to sort its shit out and the vast array of hotties that graced my eyes were very promising. Being New Zealand’s largest city with a million and a half people, its layout is hassle free and getting around, peace of cake. Again, its only a million and a half people, so there’s a few crowds but nothing much.


The best part of the stay in Auckland…the dorm room. 6 beds, 4 chicks, me and some Israeli dude. The low down on the chicks were as follows…three germans and one Chek chick, three blondes one brunette. Liking my odds. The one thing I hate though when ur travelling, is when you come across a say 3 or more people who are from the same country, but don’t ever bother speaking english. Their in this little clicky non english speaking group and I rock in, say something and they all kind of stare at me then continue talking in their language. Pfff, what is that shit. Anyway, if you don’t see where I’m going with this, that’s what exactly happened. I rock into the room, three of these beauty german chicks are chatting away I go “yo whad up guys”, they stop talking, look at me, I look at them…then they continue speaking German…RIGHTO.


All in all, Auckland is a cool New Zealand city, but still a big city non the less. Kinda reminded me a little of Calgary and Brisbane, but with a chilly twist.

Now, time to get out of the cold and into the heat…FIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIIIIIII.


A Town with a Queen in it

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , , , , , on May 18, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

A beautiful little town in the deep south of New Zealand. Normally whenever some one thinks of the deep south it usually brings up pictures of toothless wonders and beer bellies, covered by a thin layer of white fabric that’s possibly stained with mustard…or vomit. Luckily we won’t have any of that…well I do like mustard. Here is Queenstown…

Guess my drunkness has finally taken another swipe at me. Today as I write this, I’m actually still in this beautiful little town. Unfortunately…I shouldn’t be. The reason being…I MISSED MY FUCKING BUS.

Yes had a…ahem…”small night out”, if you know what I mean and therefore slept through my 6am wake up call. Resulting in…oh…I don’t know…MISSING MY FUCKING BUS. Oh well, I’m not too fazed, I just spent another 40 dollars so I don’t miss all my following up buses. Yeah 40 bucks…arghhhhhh.

Anyway…*straightens self up, flatens out shirt…adjusts tie*

Alright, lets get to the story.


If you do any traveling on the complete opposite side of the world(well, where I come from anyway) you’ll hear one place that you need to visit. QUEENSTOWN.

Why is this place a MUST on someone’s to do list. Well…ha ha…glad you asked. Here’s a little run down.

Mountains towering on ever corner of the land. Crisp air that basically tastes like…well air…geez. This small town is situated on a lake, has numerous ski hills, a stunning opening into the great land of NZ and is the heart of partying. If Hollywood and booze had a kid…this would be that illegitamite child.


Even though this is basically paradise on Acid I took a small trip out to explore the land a bit more. The south of New Zealand is pretty incredible. Full of sheep and big jagged rocks pointing out of the earth. Also I found out that alot of Lord of the Rings was filmed around here. Pretty cool eh (all the nerds in the back start cheering) Hey…you back there, put your swords down and simmer. Alright, where was I…ahhh yes, the landscape on this south Island is like that of home.


Mountains, lakes, lush greenery countryside. It’s more like a hybrid of Alberta and B.C, if you can kind of picture that. Also I found out that NZ has no predators. No wolves, bears, abominable snowmen, you know…just safe stuff. No wonder their national icon is the kiwi bird. (slight snicker)

Anyway, you get the idea. New Zealands fucking beautiful…Get involved and get some.

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

Aside from sexploring NZ with my feet, I was also exploring it with something else….wanna take a guess?….no not that you sicko’s…SKATES…fuck I’d think you’d be sex addicts or something…wow, just get your heads out of the gutter.*shaking head*

Anyway, yes skates. I found an arena nearby and started playing some hockey. It was pretty good getting back out there having a glorious time of shooting the ol rubber around. Buuut that could only last for a couple days until I needed to get onto something else.

Aaaaaaand that’s why this place has sooooo many bars.

*don’t have a picture, so just think of tons of bars in a row*

Rocking up to the swarm of bars like they were soup kitchens I realize there’s something special going on tonight. I start chatting with the group from the hostel and they tell me…yes…there is something special…it’s something those who have little time call…SPEED DATING.


Yes my friends gather round. The god of golden gab is given two mintues…twenty possible chicks and no limits…hmmm…what could possibly happen. *hallelujah begins playing in the distance*

It took me a few chicks to warm up to the game, but then I realized something…I’m taking this waaaay to fucking serious. Ha ha haaaaaa…I don’t take anything really seriously. So the next chick I rocked up to I decided I wasn’t going to let her speak. I was going to do all the chatting for two minutes without a possible break for her. I talked about sand, the sun, trees and even pissing in all the oceans in the world(Which I have done…just to note) Her face went from confused, to shocked, to annoyed and finally impressed. When that bell rang, she finally spoke. She told me I amazed her…ahhh yes dear…I do have that effect…*whispering* it’s my cross to bear

Then after feeling like the lord of speach I came across a chick who left me absolutely speechless. It went like this

*sitting down*
Her: Show me your dick
Me: *look of pure amazement on my face*
*finish sitting down*
*process what she just said*
Me: Just let me get comfortable *slight smirk*
Her: Well I’m waiting
Me: Hmmm…how bout I see your tits first
Her: In front of everyone?
Me: Hahaha…well we could go behind the dumpster
Her: *grabs my hands, puts both hands in her shirt, up against her snuggle puppies*
Me: wow you have really tiny nipples
Me: (well shit…what else was I gonna do?)
*take hands out of her shirt*
Her: Soooo…*looking at me expectantly*
Me: sorry, you only get the balls
*balls out…bell rings*

Yeah….so that was basically speed dating at its finest. I did end up pissing off two Canadian chicks…hahaha…all I said was: I have the same camera…do you shoot porn with yours too? Geeez some chicks have no sense of humour.


A new change in scenery was a must and after holding court for awhile it was time to mingle. Chatting with a guy I’d met during hockey, this tiny little brunette chick catches my eye. It was funny, after she caught my eye, we locked and like a tractor beam I just rock right over…whilst still holding eye contact. Thinking back, how the fuck did I not run into anything? Anyway, it was probably like that movie shit where everything slows around you and you get like the cheesy music playing, cus damn…it was smooth.

This chick would end up being the cherish into the night as we immediately had the bubble of love. I wish I could go on and on about how smooth it went from there….buuuuuut, you know me…nothing’s smooth in my world.

paradise should atleast be smooth

paradise should atleast be smooth

Still the extration from the club was as smooth as any, even if it was a warm minus 5 and her wearing a skimpy little skirt. From here on out it goes downhill…literally. Since my hostel is a good 7 minute walk, I decide for the next best bet…hers. Unfortunately it wasn’t to my knowledge that a doorman would be present.

“You’re a doorman…a fucking doorman…doorman….DOORMAN…*whispers*doorman”

Aaaaaanyway, I tried convincing the doorman that…well shit…I betcha he’s been in the same position before, aaaaand I start getting close to something when……………..In swoops cockblocker from hell. (she’s some chick I met at another time)

She rocks in there saying how silly I am for trying to get in when I’m staying at the same hostel as her. She’s now lazy eyed pissed and telling these outlandish stories about me. The chick I’m with turns to me and asks me if I know her. I turn around and say…”Noooope, just some crazy drunk. Never seen her in my entire life. Begone you little drunky”


Luckily little drunky takes the hint and scampers off. Still, I’m in no better a situation, time to think fast…ummmmmmm….ding, times up. I pull the chick off to find a new place. Her cries of “where are we gooooing” are starting to wear me thin. “Wonderland adventure times” I reply and soon enough…back alley adventure times looks more promising. Yet, I mentioned that its pretty warm out right? Like a good minus five, soooo yeah dumpster rumpster isn’t gonna happen. I blank, no ideas of glory are running through my head. I’m literally lost in blackness. It was only a matter of time before…”I’m cooold, and tired. I’m just gonna go” Can’t argue with that logic. I just dismiss her with a gentle makeout and slight boob grab…yeah me…NAAAAT.

I decide it would probably be best to walk the rest of the way home with no pants on…you know, get the whole feel of what blue balls is really like. I guess it couldn’t be any worse….then it starts to rain…hey atleast I can use my pants as a covering of some sort 😛

Next up…9 hour black outs, more turrential rain…and wait…whats this…another german hottie…hmmm