Archive for Sexploits

A Town with a Queen in it

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , , , , , on May 18, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

A beautiful little town in the deep south of New Zealand. Normally whenever some one thinks of the deep south it usually brings up pictures of toothless wonders and beer bellies, covered by a thin layer of white fabric that’s possibly stained with mustard…or vomit. Luckily we won’t have any of that…well I do like mustard. Here is Queenstown…

Guess my drunkness has finally taken another swipe at me. Today as I write this, I’m actually still in this beautiful little town. Unfortunately…I shouldn’t be. The reason being…I MISSED MY FUCKING BUS.

Yes had a…ahem…”small night out”, if you know what I mean and therefore slept through my 6am wake up call. Resulting in…oh…I don’t know…MISSING MY FUCKING BUS. Oh well, I’m not too fazed, I just spent another 40 dollars so I don’t miss all my following up buses. Yeah 40 bucks…arghhhhhh.

Anyway…*straightens self up, flatens out shirt…adjusts tie*

Alright, lets get to the story.

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If you do any traveling on the complete opposite side of the world(well, where I come from anyway) you’ll hear one place that you need to visit. QUEENSTOWN.

Why is this place a MUST on someone’s to do list. Well…ha ha…glad you asked. Here’s a little run down.

Mountains towering on ever corner of the land. Crisp air that basically tastes like…well air…geez. This small town is situated on a lake, has numerous ski hills, a stunning opening into the great land of NZ and is the heart of partying. If Hollywood and booze had a kid…this would be that illegitamite child.

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Even though this is basically paradise on Acid I took a small trip out to explore the land a bit more. The south of New Zealand is pretty incredible. Full of sheep and big jagged rocks pointing out of the earth. Also I found out that alot of Lord of the Rings was filmed around here. Pretty cool eh (all the nerds in the back start cheering) Hey…you back there, put your swords down and simmer. Alright, where was I…ahhh yes, the landscape on this south Island is like that of home.

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Mountains, lakes, lush greenery countryside. It’s more like a hybrid of Alberta and B.C, if you can kind of picture that. Also I found out that NZ has no predators. No wolves, bears, abominable snowmen, you know…just safe stuff. No wonder their national icon is the kiwi bird. (slight snicker)

Anyway, you get the idea. New Zealands fucking beautiful…Get involved and get some.

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

Aside from sexploring NZ with my feet, I was also exploring it with something else….wanna take a guess?….no not that you sicko’s…SKATES…fuck I’d think you’d be sex addicts or something…wow, just get your heads out of the gutter.*shaking head*

Anyway, yes skates. I found an arena nearby and started playing some hockey. It was pretty good getting back out there having a glorious time of shooting the ol rubber around. Buuut that could only last for a couple days until I needed to get onto something else.

Aaaaaaand that’s why this place has sooooo many bars.

*don’t have a picture, so just think of tons of bars in a row*

Rocking up to the swarm of bars like they were soup kitchens I realize there’s something special going on tonight. I start chatting with the group from the hostel and they tell me…yes…there is something special…it’s something those who have little time call…SPEED DATING.

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Yes my friends gather round. The god of golden gab is given two mintues…twenty possible chicks and no limits…hmmm…what could possibly happen. *hallelujah begins playing in the distance*

It took me a few chicks to warm up to the game, but then I realized something…I’m taking this waaaay to fucking serious. Ha ha haaaaaa…I don’t take anything really seriously. So the next chick I rocked up to I decided I wasn’t going to let her speak. I was going to do all the chatting for two minutes without a possible break for her. I talked about sand, the sun, trees and even pissing in all the oceans in the world(Which I have done…just to note) Her face went from confused, to shocked, to annoyed and finally impressed. When that bell rang, she finally spoke. She told me I amazed her…ahhh yes dear…I do have that effect…*whispering* it’s my cross to bear

Then after feeling like the lord of speach I came across a chick who left me absolutely speechless. It went like this

*sitting down*
Her: Show me your dick
Me: *look of pure amazement on my face*
*finish sitting down*
*process what she just said*
Me: Just let me get comfortable *slight smirk*
Her: Well I’m waiting
Me: Hmmm…how bout I see your tits first
Her: In front of everyone?
Me: Hahaha…well we could go behind the dumpster
Her: *grabs my hands, puts both hands in her shirt, up against her snuggle puppies*
Me: wow you have really tiny nipples
Me: (well shit…what else was I gonna do?)
*take hands out of her shirt*
Her: Soooo…*looking at me expectantly*
Me: sorry, you only get the balls
*balls out…bell rings*

Yeah….so that was basically speed dating at its finest. I did end up pissing off two Canadian chicks…hahaha…all I said was: I have the same camera…do you shoot porn with yours too? Geeez some chicks have no sense of humour.

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A new change in scenery was a must and after holding court for awhile it was time to mingle. Chatting with a guy I’d met during hockey, this tiny little brunette chick catches my eye. It was funny, after she caught my eye, we locked and like a tractor beam I just rock right over…whilst still holding eye contact. Thinking back, how the fuck did I not run into anything? Anyway, it was probably like that movie shit where everything slows around you and you get like the cheesy music playing, cus damn…it was smooth.

This chick would end up being the cherish into the night as we immediately had the bubble of love. I wish I could go on and on about how smooth it went from there….buuuuuut, you know me…nothing’s smooth in my world.

paradise should atleast be smooth

paradise should atleast be smooth

Still the extration from the club was as smooth as any, even if it was a warm minus 5 and her wearing a skimpy little skirt. From here on out it goes downhill…literally. Since my hostel is a good 7 minute walk, I decide for the next best bet…hers. Unfortunately it wasn’t to my knowledge that a doorman would be present.

“You’re a doorman…a fucking doorman…doorman….DOORMAN…*whispers*doorman”

Aaaaaanyway, I tried convincing the doorman that…well shit…I betcha he’s been in the same position before, aaaaand I start getting close to something when……………..In swoops cockblocker from hell. (she’s some chick I met at another time)

She rocks in there saying how silly I am for trying to get in when I’m staying at the same hostel as her. She’s now lazy eyed pissed and telling these outlandish stories about me. The chick I’m with turns to me and asks me if I know her. I turn around and say…”Noooope, just some crazy drunk. Never seen her in my entire life. Begone you little drunky”

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Luckily little drunky takes the hint and scampers off. Still, I’m in no better a situation, time to think fast…ummmmmmm….ding, times up. I pull the chick off to find a new place. Her cries of “where are we gooooing” are starting to wear me thin. “Wonderland adventure times” I reply and soon enough…back alley adventure times looks more promising. Yet, I mentioned that its pretty warm out right? Like a good minus five, soooo yeah dumpster rumpster isn’t gonna happen. I blank, no ideas of glory are running through my head. I’m literally lost in blackness. It was only a matter of time before…”I’m cooold, and tired. I’m just gonna go” Can’t argue with that logic. I just dismiss her with a gentle makeout and slight boob grab…yeah me…NAAAAT.

I decide it would probably be best to walk the rest of the way home with no pants on…you know, get the whole feel of what blue balls is really like. I guess it couldn’t be any worse….then it starts to rain…hey atleast I can use my pants as a covering of some sort 😛

Next up…9 hour black outs, more turrential rain…and wait…whats this…another german hottie…hmmm