Archive for Travel

My Day of SIN

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 1, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Geeeez…taking me long enough to finally get around to this shit. Well enough of me trying to make excuses for why it takes so long. Here’s the FINAL…LAST EPISODE OF TRAVELS…(please cue dramatic music….NOW)

My original plan of the trip was to spend a few days in the city of Sin…maybe win a little black jack, explore some of the greatest nightlife around and have a good time. Unfortunately with the money dwindling, and the thoughts of having a blast with a huge group, I decided to shuffle the plans and just spend one day.

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You’d think having traveled to some far out reaches of the planet, experiencing sweltering heats of un-pronounced proportions that I’d be a little aware of what to wear. Unfortunately I took one look outside the Las Vegas airport, saw it was cloudy and assumed it was cool. So I brought a sweatshirt…hmmm…desert, usually hot all year round…yeah…not a good idea.

As I’m sweating my balls off walking down the streets of Vegas, I’m baraged by numerous hooker fliers, free VIP entrances and…a discount ticket to Circus Circus…hey…isn’t Circus Circus discount enough?

Probably one of the coolest places I entered was the M&M museum/store. It had huuuuuge amounts of M&M’s. All different colours shapes, styles. You name it they had it…well sorry…no crack M&M’s.

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Having just finished reading the book “bringing down the house” which was based on the film 21 I thought…you know what, I’m gonna try my luck with some good ol fashion black jack. Also with my newly read skills…I’m sure to make a shit load of cash riiight? WRONG. I ended up loosing 40 bucks….fuck you casino.

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After loosing my money at the bellagio, I made my way to watch the sweet water fountain show thingy. Unfortunately I only got to see a good 40 seconds before it was over…so yeah…no pictures.

With my time in Vegas dwindling…I made the best of it…chatting with a few, catching the eyes of others and basically just basking in the sheer glory of the place. Damn…I need to come back and have a shit show time here.

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As I made my way back to the hotel, hoping on a free MGM airport shuttle, I couldn’t believe that in just a few hours I’d finally be home. Just like that, like a snap of the fingers pooof 10 months is gone. Back to the real world bitches and with that…real world problems…situations and whatever people do in the real world.

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Writting this, I’m already thinking of my next journey on where I want to go, what I want to see and do. Fuck, traveling is just the best shit ever. But remember…don’t travel too long, because traveling is like chewing gum. You chew too long and it looses its taste, but if you throw it out at the right time…mmm mmm mmm bitches, ur good to go.

To everyone I met, the people who read this and anyone that is just an awesome person out there…keep on keeping on.

Oh and ps…don’t think this is the last of me writing. I’m still going to be putting up random rants, extremenious stories, sweet parties and unbenounced awesomeness. Stay tuned…I’m also thinking of turning this into my own website…bobbyvanilla.com Keep your eyes and ears peeled.

Home to good ol CALGARY

Home to good ol CALGARY

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Los Angeles…the good years

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 30, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

*Note: Pictures kinda did a little shits and giggles on me…soooo finally, I think I’ve solved the problem…video expected late july*

My my oh fucking my. The trips done. I can’t believe it. 10 months…splooosh, gone just like dropping a quick shit. Yes I’m now back to the old ground and pound, but I’m making money sooo…here I am just like all the rest of the world. Damn…*silently staring up into the sky as hymful music plays in the background* It’s been a good fucking run though. I’ve said this probably a hundred times.

THIS IS THE BEST DECISION I’VE EVER MADE WITH MY LIFE

You wanna hear that again? Well shit, just re-read it. Dang, do I have to do everything for ya? Anyway, here’s having a blasty blast with my buddy Grandpa Beard and seeing Disneyland for the second time in my life’s history.

May 31st was officially the longest day of my entire life. I left Fiji at 10pm (which is night for you army folk)on the 31st and arrived in LA at 1 in the afty on the 31st. *The Delorian swoops to a stop, the door gallantly swing open and Doc Brown sticks his head out*

Hey Marty…er…bobby…we’re heading back in time…hop in

back-to-the-future

So yeah it was basically like going back in time…crazy shit. Good thing was…I wasn’t really tired. I kinda slept a little on the shoulder of the small asian women next to me, so I was ready to go.

As I’m exiting the airport, this tanned skin hottie catches my eye. She’s pretty small, wearing big sunglasses, has a boyish hair cut, but damn…still hot. Then I realize something…I recognize her. It’s a weird feeling, so I begin to jog my memory of who it might be. I’m going through lists of faces until I realize something…wait…she’s got these massive bouncers beside her aaaand tons of paparazzi waiting….oh shit…its the chick that got the shit beat out of her by chris brown…now what’s her name?

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As I’m chatting with my buddy Grandpa beard to come pick me up I pose him the same question…who’s the chick that got beat up by chris brown. He returns the answer…Rhianna…oooo right. As I walk away…a group of female activists glare me down. Hey…don’t give a guy herpies then…(no I do not condone beating girls…I think its down right terrible and no class, but its just a joke…so laugh)

Catching up with Grandpa beard was awesome. Haven’t seen the guy since scuba diving in Thailand and so it was gonna be a siiiick party…and it was.

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First off, he was kind enough to show me around the area that he lives. Beautiful beach area called Huntington Beach(suburb of LA) tons of babes running, bladeing and walking around. Great sand, good surf and I even witnessed some douche steal a dudes bike. (the guy ended up chasing the douche down and causing a scene)

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After a quick few games of street fighter two it was off to this tiny little mexican place to have a mean burrito and hopefully not get the squeezy shits later. We pounded some beers, chatted with the bar keep and other locals then made our way down the main drag to find a good place to drink, dance and mess with broads.

Finally being 21 I was able to check out the American night life…but after being all over the globe the place we end up is…wait for it…an Irish pub. Ahhh, you really can’t go anywhere without finding these beauties lying around.

We commenced downing yager bombs, beers and chatting of good times. I was transfixed with a screen behind me and a chick attempted to stick a straw in my perplexed and gaping mouth. Ding ding…chatting time. She looked pretty cute…but when she finally moved away from the table that was dividing us…uh…Grandpa beard…you wanna take this one. Turns out he didn’t.

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Soon enough the music starts calling to me. My feet start to tap to the beat, my shoulders start to bounce and then…full on convulsions start taking over my body. The dance of nightmares begins. Turns out, I start cutting some mean moves, and with the lack of a dancefloor, people start having to traverse around me. It didn’t take long for a small audience to form watching if I’m going to bust out the running man, the JT slide or better yet, the invisible hat twirl. At the end of the number I stop to sip at my goldeny substance called beer. Three chicks rock up to where I’m standing and drop this bomb.

the dance and stare

the dance and stare

Chicks: We LOVE YOU…you’re an awesome dancer
Me: *choke on my beer*
Me: *looking around to see if someone is playing a prank
Chicks: *looking into my eyes with doggy dinner bowl face*

I recover and smile. BIIIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUG. Pull them all in and then realize…I don’t know where to go from here. One, I don’t want to dance, two, they are all hot so I don’t know which one to pick and three…I have this beer with is still calling my name.

Arggggggh I hate conundrums.

I end up dancing with the one that keeps grabbing my hand(most logical choice) spin her a few times then prefer my beer to her. Go over to Grandpa beard who is now cherishing in the night with a chick who he had already told me about….great story, made me laugh, but that’s a story for…well…another time.

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I decide to go back to the brunette with the nice ass…she starts doing the dirty with me, you know, basically I’m the stripping pole. I pull her away and start chatting, vibing this shit up the gun…tell her how we’ll probably never see each other again, and all that noise, but theeeeen I fuck up.

Her: Yeah I guess we won’t see each other ever again 😦
Me: Well, we definitely could instill this moment so we could remember it
Her: Oh yeah…how
Me: (Now just to note…I should have just gone out for the makeout here, buuuut I don’t know what came over me)
Let’s kiss
Her: Uh…great to meet you (and leaves)

Buuuuuuwarargggggh

After traveling the majority of the parts of the world, finding my way around by means of local transport and what not, I found LA to have one very disturbing fact. PUBLIC TRANSPORT SUCKS and HAAAAARD. I wanted to get down to Hollywood, bask in the glory of the stars, but after spending a good hour or so on the internet to find the route, realize it would take me over 6 hours to get there and back thus leaving a window of about 2 hours to see stuff…I declined. FUCK YOU LA TRANSPORT

Buuut, all was not a loss. I got to go to…

DISNEYLAND….YIPEEEEE.

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I hadn’t been to D-Land since I was about 10 or 12, so a few things changed, but I still knew which rides were the best. The toughest thing tho…was meeting up with this stunning Austrian chick who I had previously met in Sydney 😉

Since majority of the chicks I’ve met are pretty sucky when it comes to directions and what not, I made these as simple as possible, buuut it still didn’t help…an hour and a bit later, she finally figured out what I had meant when I said the “BIG GOLDEN STAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAIN ENTRANCE”

Anywho…we met up which was the main part, and D-Land was about to commence. First ride up…Indiana Jones bitches…oh…wait…what’s this? Closed…no fuck that…this cannot be. I was sooo pissed, luckily the guy told us that it should be up and running in the aft. Sooo away we went to find other rides to occupy us with.

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Ride after ride, thrill after thrill, line after fucking line. It was a blasty blast of blastations. (sorry no other way to describe it) Not only did I have a joyeous time re-living my childhood through the rides, I got to spend it with this awesome chick. Finally…as all things must it drew to an end. 11pm at night. Yes that’s right folks, I closed down D-Land. (Oh and yes we finally were able to ride go on the Indiana Jones ride…fucking love it…best ride there)

Now…as I mentioned prior…LA has the shittiest public transport ever. Aaaand I had to pre-plan on how to get to Disneyland and back again, however my train only ran until 9pm. Sooo to say the least. I missed it. Also my little Austrian cutie missed her bus as well…hmmm…how convenient.

So I use my professional traveling barter skills to get us a good deal on a cab, but wait…she’s now saying that she doesn’t want to come and crash at my buddies kick ass apartment. *bulging eyes* waaaaaaat. She would rather go back to a 15 person dorm than come to an apartment that is housing an original Street Fighter 2 arcade game…sheeesh, weird, unfortunate, unlucky, just the wrong moment, you name it and it was running through my head. Anyway, I had a great time at D-Land so I didn’t really care.

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After saying our goodbyes…which was pretty week for probably the last time I’ll ever see this chick I commence the walk of shame back to the apartment of lords, only to find when I arrived, that I didn’t have the right key to open the door. SHIT. As I’m banging on the door, one of my buddy’s neighbors comes by, takes one look at me and scurries into her apartment and nervously locks the door. Well hopefully she doesn’t call the cops.

More banging and still nothing. Finally, my brain kicks into action…I should call him. Buuut if he’s sooo fast asleep to not hear the banging then of course he didn’t hear the phone. With one last attempt, I begin chucking mounds of poop and dirt at his window. Luckily that wakes him up and I hear a zombie type moan.

I feel like a douche for waking him up, but shit, when you need to get in you need to get in. Once in I feel like an even bigger bag of douchiness supreme as he mentions that the key that opens the top lock unlocks the second one as well…hmmm…glad I saw that.

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LA rounded out my traveling parts of my entire trip. Being able to catch up with great friends such as Grandpa Beard and seeing that stunner of a brunette L it was a pretty good going out with the proverbial bang…now…one day in Sin City.

Ending New Zealand with a…smell?

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , on June 7, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

So since this is like almost two weeks old when I’m FINALLY getting around to filling in my faithful readers on the last of New Zealand does that mean I’ve been procrastinating…even if for one week there was no internet connection? I’m curious. Mostly because I don’t know the specific definition of procrastinating, other than putting things off. Hmmmm, I wonder what wiki has to say on it:

“Procrastination is a behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. [1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. For a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.[2]”

Uh…anyone get that? Yeah me neither…please Billy, no jibberish at the table tonight.

Righto, this is my last of the lucious land of New Zealand.

Now people had explained to me that a town I was to visit…kinda smelled. Well actually, the day I arrived, it wasn’t that bad. I was slightly disappointing. Still, with a name of Rotorua, you don’t raise the bar just yet. Luckily I was going to get my fair share of stink in the following couple of days.

She's gonna blooooow

She's gonna blooooow

Most people would have no idea what this town is all about, so here, being the kind and considerate guy that I am, I’ll fill ya in. This town is located directly on active Volcanic grounds. Geysers are popping up all over the place more than a teenagers acne. Hot pools and boiling sulfur waters are bound to be spotted just by walking a few minutes in any direction, but to see the good stuff. You need to drive…and pay.

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So taking the *shudder* dreaded tour, I rock up to a place covered with hot pools, bubbling shit ponds and lots of stinky ass gasses. *In hales deeply* Ahhhhhhhh fart smelling air. Aside from the smells, this place was very pictury.

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Tons of interestingly coloured pools blanketed the surrounding area, smoke rising all around and there was even an cavern that housed tiny trolls and people too ugly to live in the town…oh wait, that was…uh…nothing. Anyway, this place was extremely picturesque and something the likes which I had never seen…or smelled. Therefore, even though I do hate tours and think that they charge a hell of a lot for very little, this shin dig wasn’t too shabby.

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As for the town its self. Not much to do, but you can walk for hours on end, exploring all these smaller geysers that surround the town. Also there’s some interesting hiking trails and if you’re into horses, well you can ride those bitches too.

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My one interesting run in during my time in Rotorua was after I used the toilet. Ok its not starting out great, but just hear me out. So the hostel I was staying at was a pretty large dump. Cheapest one in the ol Rot, but cheap because it cut many corners. One of these was not putting soap in the toilet’s. Thing is, they kept dish soap in the kitchen…soooo after doing what you do in the toilet, I walked into the kitchen and used the dish soap to wash my hands.

As I’m doing this, some old guy who’s working away at his dinner says something to me. I don’t hear what he says, so I ask him to repeat. Again I don’t understand, so I look at him and give him the universal sign for What The Fuck are you saying. He speaks up this time and gives me this one.

Oldie: You just use the pisser?
Me: *slightly chuckling* Yup
Oldie: That’s fucking disgusting, people eat in here
Me: *silence*
Oldie: *continuing* Probably had ur hand all over your dick and now ur getting ur dick hands all over places where people eat, that’s what the fucking basins out side are for
Me: *calmly but sharply*Well when they put soap out there, let me know. *give him a nod of the head and walk away*
Oldie: *whispers under breath* Jackass

Ahhh the joys of people you get to meet along the way, specially when they’re some frustrated old coot who probably hasn’t been laid in awhile

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…buuut I digress. Let the pictures show how neat Rotorua and the surrounding area is, also for LOR nerds, the location they used to film Mordor…very close by.

Unfortunately, I know how much you guys wanted to smell what Rotorua was like, but for some reason, my computer doesn’t seem to want to take smell samples, soooo I’m going to have to ask you guys to use your imagination again *hears groans* HEY!…Imagination is an awesome tool when used appropriately…and when used…inappropriately…well…he he…that’s when the magic happens. Alright…imaginations ready…okay picture the smells of sulfur mixed with a burnt mexican chili buritoe from Taco Bell and the farts you get after eating one too many egg salad sandwiches. Yup that’d about win it right there.

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With my last few days in New Zealand, I made my way to the big city of Auckland. Weather was finally starting to sort its shit out and the vast array of hotties that graced my eyes were very promising. Being New Zealand’s largest city with a million and a half people, its layout is hassle free and getting around, peace of cake. Again, its only a million and a half people, so there’s a few crowds but nothing much.

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The best part of the stay in Auckland…the dorm room. 6 beds, 4 chicks, me and some Israeli dude. The low down on the chicks were as follows…three germans and one Chek chick, three blondes one brunette. Liking my odds. The one thing I hate though when ur travelling, is when you come across a say 3 or more people who are from the same country, but don’t ever bother speaking english. Their in this little clicky non english speaking group and I rock in, say something and they all kind of stare at me then continue talking in their language. Pfff, what is that shit. Anyway, if you don’t see where I’m going with this, that’s what exactly happened. I rock into the room, three of these beauty german chicks are chatting away I go “yo whad up guys”, they stop talking, look at me, I look at them…then they continue speaking German…RIGHTO.

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All in all, Auckland is a cool New Zealand city, but still a big city non the less. Kinda reminded me a little of Calgary and Brisbane, but with a chilly twist.

Now, time to get out of the cold and into the heat…FIIIIIIIIIIIIIJIIIIIII.

A Town with a Queen in it

Posted in Land of Hobbits with tags , , , , , , , on May 18, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

A beautiful little town in the deep south of New Zealand. Normally whenever some one thinks of the deep south it usually brings up pictures of toothless wonders and beer bellies, covered by a thin layer of white fabric that’s possibly stained with mustard…or vomit. Luckily we won’t have any of that…well I do like mustard. Here is Queenstown…

Guess my drunkness has finally taken another swipe at me. Today as I write this, I’m actually still in this beautiful little town. Unfortunately…I shouldn’t be. The reason being…I MISSED MY FUCKING BUS.

Yes had a…ahem…”small night out”, if you know what I mean and therefore slept through my 6am wake up call. Resulting in…oh…I don’t know…MISSING MY FUCKING BUS. Oh well, I’m not too fazed, I just spent another 40 dollars so I don’t miss all my following up buses. Yeah 40 bucks…arghhhhhh.

Anyway…*straightens self up, flatens out shirt…adjusts tie*

Alright, lets get to the story.

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If you do any traveling on the complete opposite side of the world(well, where I come from anyway) you’ll hear one place that you need to visit. QUEENSTOWN.

Why is this place a MUST on someone’s to do list. Well…ha ha…glad you asked. Here’s a little run down.

Mountains towering on ever corner of the land. Crisp air that basically tastes like…well air…geez. This small town is situated on a lake, has numerous ski hills, a stunning opening into the great land of NZ and is the heart of partying. If Hollywood and booze had a kid…this would be that illegitamite child.

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Even though this is basically paradise on Acid I took a small trip out to explore the land a bit more. The south of New Zealand is pretty incredible. Full of sheep and big jagged rocks pointing out of the earth. Also I found out that alot of Lord of the Rings was filmed around here. Pretty cool eh (all the nerds in the back start cheering) Hey…you back there, put your swords down and simmer. Alright, where was I…ahhh yes, the landscape on this south Island is like that of home.

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Mountains, lakes, lush greenery countryside. It’s more like a hybrid of Alberta and B.C, if you can kind of picture that. Also I found out that NZ has no predators. No wolves, bears, abominable snowmen, you know…just safe stuff. No wonder their national icon is the kiwi bird. (slight snicker)

Anyway, you get the idea. New Zealands fucking beautiful…Get involved and get some.

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

It's almost like the sweet bukaki

Aside from sexploring NZ with my feet, I was also exploring it with something else….wanna take a guess?….no not that you sicko’s…SKATES…fuck I’d think you’d be sex addicts or something…wow, just get your heads out of the gutter.*shaking head*

Anyway, yes skates. I found an arena nearby and started playing some hockey. It was pretty good getting back out there having a glorious time of shooting the ol rubber around. Buuut that could only last for a couple days until I needed to get onto something else.

Aaaaaaand that’s why this place has sooooo many bars.

*don’t have a picture, so just think of tons of bars in a row*

Rocking up to the swarm of bars like they were soup kitchens I realize there’s something special going on tonight. I start chatting with the group from the hostel and they tell me…yes…there is something special…it’s something those who have little time call…SPEED DATING.

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Yes my friends gather round. The god of golden gab is given two mintues…twenty possible chicks and no limits…hmmm…what could possibly happen. *hallelujah begins playing in the distance*

It took me a few chicks to warm up to the game, but then I realized something…I’m taking this waaaay to fucking serious. Ha ha haaaaaa…I don’t take anything really seriously. So the next chick I rocked up to I decided I wasn’t going to let her speak. I was going to do all the chatting for two minutes without a possible break for her. I talked about sand, the sun, trees and even pissing in all the oceans in the world(Which I have done…just to note) Her face went from confused, to shocked, to annoyed and finally impressed. When that bell rang, she finally spoke. She told me I amazed her…ahhh yes dear…I do have that effect…*whispering* it’s my cross to bear

Then after feeling like the lord of speach I came across a chick who left me absolutely speechless. It went like this

*sitting down*
Her: Show me your dick
Me: *look of pure amazement on my face*
*finish sitting down*
*process what she just said*
Me: Just let me get comfortable *slight smirk*
Her: Well I’m waiting
Me: Hmmm…how bout I see your tits first
Her: In front of everyone?
Me: Hahaha…well we could go behind the dumpster
Her: *grabs my hands, puts both hands in her shirt, up against her snuggle puppies*
Me: wow you have really tiny nipples
Me: (well shit…what else was I gonna do?)
*take hands out of her shirt*
Her: Soooo…*looking at me expectantly*
Me: sorry, you only get the balls
*balls out…bell rings*

Yeah….so that was basically speed dating at its finest. I did end up pissing off two Canadian chicks…hahaha…all I said was: I have the same camera…do you shoot porn with yours too? Geeez some chicks have no sense of humour.

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A new change in scenery was a must and after holding court for awhile it was time to mingle. Chatting with a guy I’d met during hockey, this tiny little brunette chick catches my eye. It was funny, after she caught my eye, we locked and like a tractor beam I just rock right over…whilst still holding eye contact. Thinking back, how the fuck did I not run into anything? Anyway, it was probably like that movie shit where everything slows around you and you get like the cheesy music playing, cus damn…it was smooth.

This chick would end up being the cherish into the night as we immediately had the bubble of love. I wish I could go on and on about how smooth it went from there….buuuuuut, you know me…nothing’s smooth in my world.

paradise should atleast be smooth

paradise should atleast be smooth

Still the extration from the club was as smooth as any, even if it was a warm minus 5 and her wearing a skimpy little skirt. From here on out it goes downhill…literally. Since my hostel is a good 7 minute walk, I decide for the next best bet…hers. Unfortunately it wasn’t to my knowledge that a doorman would be present.

“You’re a doorman…a fucking doorman…doorman….DOORMAN…*whispers*doorman”

Aaaaaanyway, I tried convincing the doorman that…well shit…I betcha he’s been in the same position before, aaaaand I start getting close to something when……………..In swoops cockblocker from hell. (she’s some chick I met at another time)

She rocks in there saying how silly I am for trying to get in when I’m staying at the same hostel as her. She’s now lazy eyed pissed and telling these outlandish stories about me. The chick I’m with turns to me and asks me if I know her. I turn around and say…”Noooope, just some crazy drunk. Never seen her in my entire life. Begone you little drunky”

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Luckily little drunky takes the hint and scampers off. Still, I’m in no better a situation, time to think fast…ummmmmmm….ding, times up. I pull the chick off to find a new place. Her cries of “where are we gooooing” are starting to wear me thin. “Wonderland adventure times” I reply and soon enough…back alley adventure times looks more promising. Yet, I mentioned that its pretty warm out right? Like a good minus five, soooo yeah dumpster rumpster isn’t gonna happen. I blank, no ideas of glory are running through my head. I’m literally lost in blackness. It was only a matter of time before…”I’m cooold, and tired. I’m just gonna go” Can’t argue with that logic. I just dismiss her with a gentle makeout and slight boob grab…yeah me…NAAAAT.

I decide it would probably be best to walk the rest of the way home with no pants on…you know, get the whole feel of what blue balls is really like. I guess it couldn’t be any worse….then it starts to rain…hey atleast I can use my pants as a covering of some sort 😛

Next up…9 hour black outs, more turrential rain…and wait…whats this…another german hottie…hmmm

Melbourne At its Finest

Posted in The land down under with tags , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

From arriving to a place in the middle of no where called *shiver* Avalon airport, the real shiver of bitter coldness death awaiting in the heart of Melbourne to some un-real debauchary…my Melbourne experience was something of true genius.

This tale of one man began in the midst of nothing. A place some call Avalon airport and to myself I call…the death trap of Hitlers Anus. To explain why, let me just say I thought I was flying into Melbourne…not 64km away. Therefore an hour later I arrived in the “real” city. Just to note…this 64km away will have a play, at a later stage(for all you fore shadowers out there)

Anyway, Melbourne is a great city. It’s all about getting lost in the cities bowels. You have these small lanes sprayed all through the city, unique suburbs with amazing food and the stadium that they play the Australian open. Geez what more could you ask for. Oh and ya…Melbourne has some of Australia’s best nightlife…that is…if you can find it.

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Still every night you can find something fun to do. Weather it be watching a live show or listening to live music, there’s something for everyone’s fancy.

One of the coolest things I saw in the city was this weeee little lane called…ACDC lane. Yes…named after the true demons of rock and an Australian icon. This majestical band has its very own teensy weensy street. This place is spectacular with cool graffitti, tons of up-comming gig posters and a strong smell of urine. Oh wait, that last one was a con…so…uh…just go ahead and press erase in your brain.

………………………

alright…we good?

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Sweet, from then on I dodged the Swine flu by wearing an oversized Mexican hat and sneezing on everyone I came neer. Actually, it went more like this.

I found an enormous Mexican hat off the street…it read TACO BILL on the front. Took a smell to make sure there was no sent of urine, then shrugged my shoulders, slapped that puppy on my dome and commenced what was to be a night of true idiocracy.

First stop…TOOOOOOOO THE BARRRRRRRRRRR *read like leading a charging army*

From here on out there’s a few black patches, but I remember meeting tons of Canadians in a bar. Getting numerous free drinks because of my hat…oh…talking hockey…hell yes and then making it back to the hostel where I began drafting people in on our pub crawl.

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The draft included this. Me, my friend Mr. Tea, another friend, her friends and on the way down, I picked up two hot German chicks to come along. (Yeah no idea how that happened)

This is when the night takes a turn for the worst. At this time, I’m still rocking the Mexican hat with a burrito type authority. The bar has some of those “bitchy” type chicks. Everyone knows what I’m talking about so just fucking nod your head. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…then babe, sorry to break it to you, but you’re one of those “BITCHY” types. N if this is a guy that doesn’t know…then fuck man…take off your fucking head set. Turn off your stupid World of Warcraft. Get out of your moms fucking basement and talk to some real people you slimy little gollum role playing…uh…yeah…ran out of descriptives….(I just looked to my left…n..there’s a guy growling right next to me…)

Righto, back to the story.

These Major B’s or MB’s for short(that’s the bitches new name) start harrassing me to wear my hat. Of course, if I find out you are part of the Major B club, then NO you will not wear my hat. These MB’s are not pleased, especially since I’m not grovelling at their feet and thus am distracted by a much more attractive blonde German girl.

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Evenutally they attempt hat swipe numero un(number one just incase you didn’t speak french) they failed. Ha HA. I begin to dance on the empty dancefloor and enjoy myself emensely. I begin talking to cute brunette German girl(realize she very boring). MB’s attempt hat swipe numero deux(still french) This time they succeed and run off with the hat cackling like hiddeous witches of the middle ages.

Hmmm, no hat. That must mean…DRUNKEN ADVENTURE TIME(like the booming movie voice guy)

Don’t remember how, but I end up in an appartment building complex. Well, now the only rational thing to do is…. TAKE THE EVLEVATOR TO THE ELEVENTH FLOOR…So yes…that’s what I do.

You may be wondering what, is on the eleventh floor. Well my joyful friends…sorry to dissapoint…but not much. Just sheets, and cleaning equipment and…SCOOBY DOOOOOOOO.

That’s right, I found one of those huge scooby doo dolls that you can win at the fair. So I grab that, bring it down to the bar and decide we should do sexy time with the German girls and scooby doo.

Soon afterwards, the sexy time with scooby doo doesn’t work…oh shit…guess what just popped into my head? No not your mom…a name for a porno. Check it…Sexy Times with Scooby Doo…hahaha think of the possibilities.

Basically, the rest of the night is somewhat of a blur, except almost getting into a huge brawl…buuuut as you all should know…I’m a lover…not a fighter 😉

Next morning…I wake up…cuddling scooby doo…wtf

hahaha…atleast I got some…right…riiiiight…anyone…*looking around…crickets sound*…damn

Snap back to reality.

There was this really unique girl that I met at a camp back home in Canada, numerous months back. I found out she lived near Melbourne, was cute…and blonde…so the only logical answer…I just needed to visit her. So I packed up all my things…including the scooby doo doll and made my way to the airport.

Now on the way to the train station I had to walk down central city Melbourne…hahaha…you should have seen all the crazy looks I was getting rocking down to the station, carying a scooby doo. I was just blowing peoples realities left and right…and was loving it. Surprisingly I was getting eye fucked by hotties too…that saying…more than usual…hmm…it’s a mystery that this flambouyantness actually works.*

Buuut with all great power comes great responsibility…in regular peoples terms, I had tons of little pukes running up to me trying to pet scooby. Unfortunately for them, the doll had tons of penises drawn on him…sooo ya, I kept rolling scooby on his back so none of the kids or the mommies would see.

See, I’m not a terrible person. Think what would have happened if I let them hold it. Here kids take a look at scooby…and all his penises…yeaaaaaah. Now go ask mommy how you play hide the sausage…that’s just fucking wrong. You people are sick.

Eventually I arrive in the small city of Geelong, meet up with this unique blonde girl and commence the next few days of down to earthness.

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She was giving me the Great Ocean road experience, so, as I mentioned prior, being the great guy that I am I thought it would be more then accomadating if I gave her my Great Cocking…er…I mean COOKING experience. Hahaha…I just love how you can put great infront of anything and it just makes it sound waaay better. Think of it, the “GREAT OCEAN ROAD” you’re thinking something spectacualr eh? or even the GREAT EVENING OF SENSUAL AWARENESS…woah…that’s intense.

Anyway, the Great Ocean Road or GOR is definitely something else. You’re driving right close to the oceans edge, get to view small towns, inlets of beaches and more candy for the eyes that you could ever imagine. It’s something I would do numerous times a year if I lived over that way. Driving a convertable down the swoops and bends of the road, letting the wind lightly and smoothly slap you in the face. Feeling the salty breeze at your lips like a morning after eating out a ho….horse radish sandwich.

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Yeeeeeeeah

During the drive not only did I get to see some of the worlds best surf, but I saw my first Kuala. YESSSSSSSSS…I’ve been in Oz for 5 months and hadn’t seen a kuala up until then. Three of them actually, all chilling out in the tree’s. It was awesome, but I didn’t want to get to close because the rumour is…*in a whisper*they have Chlamidia. Don’t believe me…google that shit up.

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Ya all in all, I loved the GOR. Most people would spend hundreds of dollars maskerading around the towns and see half the shit I did. Oh also the 12 apposchles…or…actually nine, were pretty sick as well. (the reason there’s only nine is most of them are getting destroyed) Other highlights…fighting off all the Japanese tourists and getting to spend some time with that cute little blondie.

Even with how much fun I had and all that she did for me, there was something unusual that seemed to happen from time to time. Almost made me feel like I could be infringing…buut I don’t take this kind of shit to seriously, so you check it out and see what you think…

*after passing tons of surfers*
Her: Awww if I wasn’t driving you today I could be surfing
Me: *huh*

Her: I could’ve got two hundred dollars this weekend if I worked, but that’s ok, I’m just going to drive you down the great ocean road
Me: yeeeeah

Her: Oh looks like were going to be home pretty late, guess I’m not going to see (some friend) today. I haven’t seen her since I’ve gotten back.
Me: *looking out the window*

Now with vibes like that…yours truly couldn’t get much of a read on this girl. Stillllllll, it was great spending time with her. Seeing the great ocean road was an enormous opportunity, especially from someone who knows the area and I couldn’t have asked for anything else. I owe it all to her and thank her greatly.

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On returning to the city of Melbourne I needed to get my shit going…so again I met up with friend through travels and had a kick ass time rocking out in Chapel Street. Here were some great clubs and hot women everywhere. The last club we visited was one of the few places in Oz where I saw more chicks then guys…aw yeah.

With drinks 2 for 1 and a good size dancefloor, it didn’t take long for me to bust out some SERIOUS dance moves. Unfortunately no body knew what the Melbourne Shuffle was. Either that, or I was doing such a terrible rendition that they just wanted nothing to do with me…I’ll take the latter.

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Soon enough, my time in Melbourne drew to a close. It was the night before I had to leave and taking it easy when…beep…beep…beep. (that’s a text message) I pick up my phone and realize…oh…my flight tomorrow is cancelled. Hmmm. The best part about it was…it was MIDNIGHT. Good fucking thing I wasn’t in bed, or even that I could recieve texts.

Luckily travelling has taught me not to get too bent out of shape when things don’t go your way, therefore I calmly called them back…waited on the phone for an hour and a half, then re-scheduled it until 7pm the next day…easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Since I had so much time during the day, I was able make it to the bus station to catch the bus two hours before my flight was due to leave.(just like I asked when I arrived) Funny thing…the bus had already left…five minutes before. And here is why I now hate Avalon.

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Because it’s so far out in the middle of hell, there’s only one bus that makes the trip every hour or so, where as to the “main” airport one leaves every 10 min. A taxi ride costs $100 and the train…well it doesn’t go all the way there.

Nice life Avalon

I decide it would be best to take the train as close as possible and then grab a taxi from there. Still, I’m not too stressed. I’ve got plenty of time and…oh shit…the trains delayed. I look at my watch…yup slowly ticking away.

It was a race against the clock. The train speeding to the small station, finding out I don’t have a number for a taxi, luckily getting a number to a taxi. Waiting at the train station for the taxi to arrive, getting a taxi driver that doesn’t know where to go. Finally finding the right direction, to where I finally arrive aaaaaaaaaaaand…*Attention all Jetstar JQwhateverthefuck passengers…your flight has been delayed 45 minutes…thanks for your co-operation*

Yup looks like I won’t be meeting my friends when I thought.

And that everyone…was Melbourne.

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Again I’d like to thank all those who helped make my stay in Melbourne just that much more enjoyable. You all know who you are, buuuut it just makes it that much cooler seeing your name in the internet. So thanks Mike, Eben, Nick, Jamie aaaand Adele. Oh and Jill, yeah…not much to say there 😛

Now my gallant friends…off to the land of hobits, rings, enormous moutains and…I’m beached as bru

The Sydney Connundrum a Wrap

Posted in The land down under with tags , , , , , on May 3, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Well shit me…why is the internet so slow in Australia? It’s fucked cus…well for one its a “Westernized” country and two…well…fucking get with it. Anyway, I’ve now found some fast internet and I’m pluggin this shit away faster than aids taking over your amune system.

So lets begin…

Whenever you’re about to leave one place it always happens where you try and cram as much fucking stuff into that week as humanly possible…this week was no different. I had first passed the weekend by attending a free music concert thing a ma jig called Surrey Hills Festival. Anytime somethings free in this age of coperate America bullshit its soooooo much better. This was the same. Tons of music…great food and numerous hotties running around that my attention could bounce from one thing to the next and keep me entertained for hours. I was happy.

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I also ate this fucking delicious meal of Jamaican chicken called…wait for it…JERK chicken. Hahaha perfect, just my type of chicken. Now everyone knows that Bacon and Eggs are fucking delicious…but shazam…this started raping my tastebuds like something out of a skandonavian porn. To keep this short…the festival was pretty kickass and well worth the amount we paid…which was NOTHING…YESSSSSSS.

Finally, I met up with a guy I traveled Koh Tao and Koh Phangan with. He was off living in Manly and thought it would be good stuff to catch up. And yes it was…that was until we finished off a bottle of cheap Vodka. Now as I mentioned in the last post…I’m pretty confident in my drinking abilities…unfortunately…I guess I wasn’t what I thought I was. Boy oh Boy, the rush of drunkiness hit me like a fat chick giving you a hug…SLAPWHAMPAH. I was playing pool and all of a sudden I couldn’t see straight…hmm…time to go put water in my face.

I pass out in the bathroom…in walks the bouncer…

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B: Oi…what’re you doing?
Me:*startled and wakes up* Ahem…uh…I was just…uh…doing my hair*look in the mirror and starts patting hair*
B: *looking at me like he doesn’t believe me*
Me: Oooops gotta go grab my pizza…bye bye

I walk out of the bathroom, the bouncer follows and watches as I fall around the place like a kid just learning to walk…looks like I’m gyaaane.
So he kicks me out, but fuck that shit I’m not leaving from this party, so I sneak back in through another way and re-commence the party with my buddy. Bout twenty minutes later, bouncer see’s me, I stupidly wave at him…and once again, I’m out on the street, this time for good.

Ahhh shit. Now I have to take the ferry back to the city and catch a train home. I don’t remember the ferry ride, but I do remember waiting for the train and a weird feeling started coming over me. I haven’t felt this feeling for like…two years…oh shit…here it comes….BRLARGHHHHHHAGHAGHAG. A jet stream of puke shoots out of my mouth faster than (actually I’m not gonna go there) Luckily it’s off to the side of the train track’s so no one notices…except one lady. Who’s staring at me with a look of discust mixed with horror. I look at her…smile and say…”ya just burped”.Then walk away like nothing happened. WIN BOBBY VANILLA

Now it’s time to get serious on the sightseeing. Me and this cutie that I met a couple days before decided it was a perfect day to explore the mythical land called THE BLUE MOUNTAINS. Unfortunately the mountains aren’t literally blue, but it leaves alot for the imagination.

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This vast land of eppic proportions is very astounding. It’s basically Australia’s version of the Grand Canyon except with hords of trees, eerily flowing fog and these three mountain tips called…the three sisters. Why they called it that I have no fucking clue, cus I would’ve named it something awesome like…The three Rock Gods from Testosterone land, or…FUCK YOU THREE TIMES or because we must think of the kids…three times the charm. Anyway it’s named that for whatever reason and its actually pretty fucking sweet.

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Breathtaking views blanket the panoramic sky as birds and small monkeys enjoy the curtain of trees below your very feet. Magical in all aspects, a deffinite must on any trip. Just DON’T TAKE THE TOURS. Take the train, costs bout $17 and you can walk everywhere very easily. Don’t be duped by the MAN.

Lastly I wrapped up Sydney with a BANG. Partying with a crew of ladykillers, watching a friend flip out and punch the door of a cab as it drove by and even bending over a cutie inside a McDonalds. Still, the last night when I pulled a 29 year old Russian, who was also an English Proffessor at some big ass University in Holland…well ya that pretty much takes the cake. Especially since I needed to wake up early to catch my flight to Melbourne…mmm, I love no sleep.

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Finally, I just want to thank all those of you who showed me around and gave me such a great time in Sydney. You know who you are…so I don’t need to mention you…unless of course you want me to…which I know you do. So Rosemary, Joelle, Jamie, Vampire Girl and anyone else I forgot. Thanks and Keep on rocking in the Corperate America World

Coffs is Drowning

Posted in The land down under with tags , , on April 5, 2009 by bobbyvanilla

Everyone’s probably heard this little rhyme diggly…”It’s raining it’s pouring the old man is snoring. He bumped his head on his bed and he won’t wake up in the morning”

Right…you’ve all heard that before…well then answer me this. Who the fuck is the old man?

Coffs Harbour. People have asked me, why the fuck are you going there? Well, I’m not really sure, but I heard there were awesome beaches and great surf. Mostly a bonus in anyones books.

As for all the awesomeness…uh…ya. Didn’t happen. The only awesomeness I received was…RAIN…FLOODS…and…MORE RAIN.

Funnily enough, I was able to make it down to the harbour…once, but after that one time, it was completely and utterly impassable.

isn't it beautiful

isn't it beautiful

After it was raining for a good three hours, it finally stopped. I thought, great, I’ll be able to make it over to McDonalds, use their free wireless internet and be able to give all the gracious bobby vanilla fans their weekly shot of my life.

So I began treking through the damp and wet town of Coffs to the only McDonalds. Unfortunately, the rain gods were only teasing me, because once I was too far away from anything, the heaven’s opened and unleashed a fury of little droplets that attacked every inch of my body.

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In real terms that means…I got fucking drenched.

Finally, I squeezed myself into McDonalds, got out of the horrific rain storm from hell and plopped myself into a booth.

hmmm…now I need to find myself a plug in. I look around and realize they are all taken up by a european style outlet plug in thingy. Allllright. I go over and ask if I can plug into one of the plug ins. They look at me and start talking to eachother in French basically calling me a douchebag idiot.

Well….yes I am, but stilll…Fuck you. Guess they didn’t know I spoke French, but they sure found out when I started walking away and turned back. I dropped this beauty.

(in french) “No wonder, you’re some of the most hated in the world”

Side note: I think they took that personally as when they left they all flipped me off. Woooo scary.*waving hands around acting scared*

Anyway, turns out…free wifi doesn’t work. Great, just my fucking luck. Therefore I decide it’d be best to go watch a fucking movie.

I jet across the hellish stormy rain into the theater, get there just in time to watch Duplicity and feel pretty good.

Best part. They stop the movie and this lady waltzes in and says. “Um, ya so our entire parking lot is flooded and your cars might all be in water. If you can…we suggest you move them”

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People rush out…I begin to laugh. Hahahaha that’s why you walk…bitches.

After the movie that’s just what I did. Pissing down like the morning after a huuge drinking bingefest, I begin rocking out to the music on my Ipod.

Finally I arrive back at the hostel, thinking I’m going to be nice and safe from all this rain…boy was I wrong.

It just kept coming down….drop after drop after drop. For three hours we gained 450 mm of rain. Here’s the breakdown.

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Playing cards in the kitchen I watched as the pool outside overflowed.

The water rose to the edge of the doors.

The water starting to spill into the kitchen

The staff placed blankets and other shit to stop the water spilling in.

The water started spilling in sooo fast that it pushed away the measly blankets.

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The water is getting up to my feet.

The water is now past my ankles…brrr…its fucking cold.

Quickly the entire first floor was flooded with water.

The water was up to three quarters of your leg. People’s flip flops were floating down the hallway and I was offering free topless swimming lessons down the hallway….Unfortunately no takers.

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I just loved the people freaking out, losing their minds saying things like, “I did not see this happing”, “How could I’ve known this” “why did I come here”, blah blah, fuckity blah.

Well guess what, Ya I saw this happening, I knew it was gonna be like this, and that’s why I came. Geeez…just shut the fuck up and enjoy it. (Oh I guess it also helped that I was on the second floor)

Still how could you not just laugh at this entire experience. It was priceless. I’ve never actually been in a flood so I loved it.

Well, I also ate my last happy cookie and that made the night all that much better 😀

Unfortunately, after the flooding all but dried, it did smell quite…fishy Also, everyone, but six moved away therefore, not too much to do, but drink and watch movies.

And that my friends…is Coffs Harbour…through my beautiful experience. You know, I somewhat wish it was sunny, but fuck, how many people can say they were in a hostel in Coffs Harbour where it flooded?

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Ya well I guess a few people can put up their hands.